Page 4 of Tiers of Joy

I sit here sobbing and holding my chest. I feel like someone has come and ripped my heart apart.

I watch as the men came to take Jay away. I want to stop them, to scream at them for taking him away. Sally comes back with the shopping. Her face pales and she drops the bags of shopping and runs straight to me, tears running down her face.

“Oh god Esme, why didn’t you call me?” She sobs, hugging me tight.

I don’t say anything. My eyes are fixed on Jay’s body as it’s placed in the back of the black ambulance.

As the ambulance pulls off I crumble, unable to hold myself up any longer. My body wracks with tears at the pain, the loss. It’s just too much. I've lost my world, my soul mate. Life is nothing without him in it.

The days that followed Sally stayed with me, refusing to leave my side. I just stayed in bed, hugging Jay’s pillow and wearing his football shirt. I refused to eat, I refused to leave the bed. I was staying there with him. I could still smell him.

Every time I woke, I woke crying, the memory hitting me that I’d lost him.

There’s a knock at the bedroom door and in walks in Jay’s father.

I don’t say anything, I just look at him. He gives me a brief smile and perches himself on the edge of the bed.

“You know, Jay always used to use humour to lighten the darker times. I wish I could do that for you now.” He sighs. “I know I failed as a father, I know I made him unhappy. You were the only thing in his life that brought him happiness. I know you may not see it this way, but I thought what I was doing was the best for him. I know I was wrong. I was too damn stubborn to believe it.” He looks at me. I don’t say anything, I just stare blankly.

“I'm sorry Esme. I'm sorry; I should have listened to my son. Now, well, now it’s too late. I should’ve never gone on that business trip. I should’ve never left him. I will forever live with that guilt. I owe you a lifetime of gratitude for making my son’s life, one full of love and happiness.” He pats my hand and then stands to leave.

“Frank.” I call out. He stops and turns to face me.

“He never hated you, despite it all. You were his father, he loved you.” I state.

He nods.

“Thank you Esme. However true that may be, you were his world, and he would never want to see you suffering like this.” He states before walking out and closing the door behind him.

I stayed in bed until the day of the funeral. I left the arrangements to his parents.

Sally hangs my black dress on the wardrobe door for me. I stand in the shower, the tears silently falling. I wash with Jay’s bodywash and shampoo, needing him, missing him. I stand in the bathroom wrapped in a towel, looking in the bathroom cabinet and seeing his aftershave. I grab it and smell it. I close my eyes and let out a sob.

“Jay.” I whisper.

I walk into the bedroom. Sally is waiting for me. She helps me get dressed and does my hair for me. I just sit numbly, staring out of the window.

“There, all done. Here, drink this. You're going to need it today.” She hands me a glass of scotch.

She has one too.

“To Jay,” She mumbles before downing the scotch.

I down it too, the liquid burning my throat. I cough.

We both look out of the window and see the hearse pull up. Sally takes a deep breath.

“You ready?” She asks.

I don’t say anything. I stand and walk downstairs and out of the front door. Sally locks up behind me.

White roses cover his coffin. A flowered reef saying son lays alongside it. I rest my forehead and press my palm against the glass.

“Forever and always Jay.” I whisper.

Sally places her arms around me and guides me to the car.

“Come on sweetie.” She soothes.

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