Page 174 of Take My Hand

“I’m not sure… shit, I think we’re talking about something different, Will.”

Then it hit me. He didn’t sound hollow or distant, he sounded broken, grief stricken, and my heart started thumping.

“Mike, what’s happened? What’s going on?”

There was silence on the other end of the line. At least I thought there was and then I heard a barely audible high-pitched squeal of agony. Gripping the phone tight, I sank onto the armchair and glanced over at Maya who was looking at me quizzically.

“Mike, tell me what’s wrong? What’s happened? Is Ana okay? Is she in some kind of trouble?”

There was a noise like he’d dropped the phone, and then I heard faint crying.

“Mike?”

Silence stretched out for what felt like ages until I heard a long drawn in breath. “It’s Theo, Mr Newman, Ana’s brother.”

My stomach bottomed out as goose bumps broke out over my skin like I’d been doused in cold water. “Theo, what’s happened?”

“She’s dead, Mr Newman. My sister is dead.”

“No.” Maddy shook her head and stared at me with wild eyes. “You’ve got it wrong. She’s not dead.”

Maya and I were sat either side of her, Maya holding her hand while I had mine gently cupping her cheek. We’d just told her one of the worst things you could tell any kid: her best friend had died after taking a short cut across the railway track to get home. The times I’d drummed into Maddy not to do that, no matter how late she was. Everyone had taken the shortcut at some point, and we were lucky that there had been only one other fatality in fifty years. It was a recognised crossing point, but you still had to have your wits about you—your ears and eyes had to be sharp. It was not a safe place if either of those senses were impaired.

“I’m so sorry.” My hand smoothed down her hair and then moved to rub small circles on her back. I offered my other hand to her. “Take my hand, sweetheart, please.”

Taking it, Maddy’s gaze lifted and met mine. “Why was she going that way? She knows not to Dad. We always saynevergo that way, no matter how late you are,nevercut across the railway line. We?—”

Her words were coming out quick and fast, and I was afraid she was going to hyperventilate. Her shoulders and chest were rising and falling. Painful. Ragged.

“Maddy, sweetheart, please just calm down. Take a deep breath and?—”

“We always say, never go across the railway line. You’ve always told me.” Maddy’s grip tightened, and I saw Maya wince. I reached over and gently loosened her hand so Maya could freehers, but she didn’t. She kept hold and hugged it to her chest. “I wanted to go with her. She was so mad, Dad. She was so nasty, and she left, and I told Zak we should go after her, but he said she’d be fine.” She let out a sob. “But she wasn’t. She went across the line and…” She turned to me. “What happened, Dad, did it…”

Her words trailed off into more sobs as she threw herself at me. Wrapping her arms around my chest, she clung on tight, her whole body shaking with grief. Sadness engulfed me, because apart from holding her, there was nothing that I could do to soothe her. I couldn’t take the pain in her heart away. I wouldn’t be able to stop the guilt she was bound to feel, or the sorrow that would always be there whenever she thought of her last year at school. And I would never, ever, salve that deep grief the mere mention of Ana’s name would bring for the rest of her life.

As I held Maddy, Maya placed a warm comforting hand on my knee and gave it a gentle squeeze to gain my attention.

“I’ll leave you both to it,” she said

“Babe, it’s fine.”

Maddy then gave another heaving sob and gripped my jumper tighter. “She can’t be dead, Dad, she can’t be.”

Maya chewed on her bottom lip, and her eyes filled with tears as she sat on the edge of the sofa. She looked like she didn’t know what to do, or what her role was, but as far as I was concerned, she was exactly where I wanted her to be. Where I needed her to be. I understood her need to be able to do more, though. That had been exactly how I felt when I first moved in with Miriam and she was Maddy’s primary carer until I got the hang of things. I’d hover around feeling useless and looking a lot like Maya did at that moment.

“Could you call Zak?” I asked her. I fished my phone from my jeans pocket. “I took his number when they went to London. Ask him if he can come round.”

Maya nodded and as her bottom lip trembled, she gently cupped my face. “Of course I will.”

It hurt to think that maybe Maddy needed him, but this wasn’t about me and my heart. It was about my daughter and what she needed, and I believed that Zak was it.

Stroking a hand down her hair, I gently rocked her and made soothing noises that I knew wouldn’t help one little bit, because this was the worst thing she’d ever been through. When Mrs P died, she’d been upset because she was like a grandmother to her, but this was another level. Ana had been her best friend since they were little girls, and no one expected to lose their best friend at just seventeen.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. So, so sorry.”

“We argued Dad,” Maddy gasped out. “We argued and she went home on her own. I knew I should have gone home with her. Zak and Liam went…”

“Mads, no one was to know what would happen. It was a horrible, horrible accident.”

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