Page 65 of The Final Beat

Not sure what else to say, I simply nodded, knowing I’d well and truly messed up.

CHAPTER 28

DESTINY

My chest felt tight as I tried hard to breathe. Desperately dragging in air as I sobbed. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. Mick, the rigger, hadn’t upset me with his stupid words. I knew exactly what the crew thought of me, and it was not that I was a shit boss or a cunt. They knew I was hard, but I was fair. If I bollocked them it was for good reason.

With my heart racing and my hands trembling, I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. Gripping the side of the sink, I glared at myself in the mirror. I hated not being in control and since Vinny I’d rarely been without it. Sometimes in bed with Joey, I lost it, handing it over to him, but that was all about my pleasure. My emotions, though, were always on a level. Except now.

When Joey threw that first punch, it was like a seal had been broken. It was like he’d punched a hole in my control, too. I’d seen punch-ups, many of them, on tour, but something about Joey being violent was too much. I couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t let anyone see me fall apart. I couldn’t look at Joey and see the blood on his shirt or think about him punching and creating pain.

The wracking sobs were slowly subsiding, but my pulse was still thudding fast and hard. Placing my hand on my heart I started to panic, thinking it was going to burst out of my chest. Going back into the main area of my room, I wished I could light up a cigarette, instead I went to the mini bar and pulled out a miniature of rum. I practically ripped the top off and then swigged it back, leaning back against the wall as the warmth of it flooded into my blood and started to bring some calm. That was until there was a knock at my door.

I held my breath, hoping that whoever it was would go away. I didn’t think it was Joey because I was sure his knock would have been much louder and much harder. When they knocked again, a small voice called my name, and I breathed a sigh of relief. It was Amber.

Pushing off the wall I went over to the door and pulled it open. The sympathy on her face caused fresh tears to well in my eyes and I hated it.

“At least you’re not Joey.” I stood to one side, letting her in.

“Are you okay?” One hand rested on her pregnant belly, while the other one reached out to me. “I know it’s not what that crew guy said.”

The tears that were welling started to crawl slowly down my face, so I swiped them away and drew in a breath.

“I hate crying,” I replied. “I never cry.”

“It’s understandable.”

Amber took a tentative step towards me, and when she opened her arms, it was too much. Her kindness and sympathy broke me.

“It brought it all back, Amber.” She engulfed me in a hug as, totally against my nature, I hugged her back, getting as close as I could and sobbed against her chest. “When he threw that punch, all I could see was Vinny’s fist flying towards me. It’s stupid I know, but it was like I was back there.”

Amber made some soothing noises and led me to my bed. She pulled us both down and perched us on the edge of it, wrapping an arm around my shaking shoulder.

“He wanted to come up, but I told him to leave it for a while.”

I stiffened. “I know he won’t hurt me but…”

“I know, love, I know.” She drew in a breath. “Ronnie is the kindest soul and loves me to distraction, and is so gentle, yet if he even raises a hand to swat a fly it makes my blood run cold. And I…” she paused and sighed, “I was only hit once. So, God only knows how you must feel.”

I closed my eyes but when all I could see was Vinny’s sneering face, I flashed them open. Why the hell had this come back to me now? Why was I falling apart over one punch that wasn’t even aimed at me?

“This doesn’t make sense,” I whispered, pulling away from Amber. “It’s been years.”

Amber’s eyes softened as she took my hand in hers. “My counsellor told me that we’re all like a glass of water and everything that happens to us tops us up with more liquid. Then it could be just stubbing your toe that is the liquid that tips you over the edge.”

“Makes sense, I suppose.” Licking my lips, I contemplated how much I should tell Amber. She had become a friend since we bonded over our domestic violence experiences. Not a great reason to bond but it was something we could understand about each other. “I think,” I said, tentatively, “it’s what’s been going on between me and Joey that’s brought it all back.”

“You and Joey?”

She frowned and I laughed.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t suspected.”

“I know you had athinga few years back.” Her hand went to the heart on her necklace, and she ran it along the chain, watching me carefully. “Are you saying there is somethinghappening now?” Her mouth dropped open as if something else had occurred to her. “He hasn’t hit you, has he?”

“Fucking hell no.” I couldn’t help but smile. Apart from a nice arse slap during sex, Joey would never raise a finger to me. “He wouldn’t. He’s a prick at times but he’s no woman beater. Besides, I’d have him in a choke hold quicker than it took for him to lift his hand to me.”

Amber put a hand to her chest and let out a breath of relief. “Thank god for that. I didn’t want to have to try and punch him, and Ronnie would hate having to do it.”

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