Page 49 of The First Chord

“Yes, I do. You know I do.” I sighed heavily and tried to pull away from him but was locked in tighter. “Ronnie!”

“He’s a twat and I’m not scared of him or what he thinks he can do.” He sounded determined in his truth, but I couldn’t risk it.

“No, Ronnie. People may not listen to him, but you still don’t need all of this. You’ve all been through so much already the last couple of years.”

“We’re big boys,” he said with a chuckle. “I think we can handle Jimmy and anything he tries to do.”

“I know you can, but you shouldn’t have to.” It hurt to pull away, but I needed to before I did or said something stupid. “I’ll go on the tour but please promise me that I don’t have to ever be alone with him.” I saw the horror on Ronnie’s face and shook my head. “I’m not scared of him. I was, but now I think he’s pathetic. I just don’t want to have to listen to his horrible words and thoughts about me.”

Ronnie was silent for a moment but then nodded. “Okay. I’ll make sure, don’t worry. I’ll speak to Concepta and Ali later.”

“Thank you.” Staring up at him, I knew that if I moved an inch our mouths would touch. That I could lose myself in a kiss that would probably take my breath away. Instead, I pulled out of his arms and patted his chest. “I think that’s enough misery for one day, don’t you?”

Moving away from him made my stomach and chest feel empty, but I had to before I ruined everything.

“How about we go out?” Ronnie suggested as I started to clear the table.

I turned to him and frowned. “You don’t have to. I’ll be fine.”

“I know but I have to go somewhere and thought you might like to come.”

Looking down at my old jeans with the knees out and the black vest top that I knew had a hole in it somewhere, I shrugged. “Should I get changed?”

Ronnie shook his head. “Fine as you are.” He cleared his throat. “Beautiful as usual.”

Butterflies swooped in my stomach. “Okay. Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready.”

Ronnie winked and nodded. “See you in five. I’ll go and clean my teeth.”

As he left I slapped a hand to my chest. I’d been up close with him with morning breath.

CHAPTER23

RONNIE

When someone I loved got hurt I felt it deep inside my chest. My heart physically ached. When someone I loved died,everythingached, even my bones. All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball until the pain eased away. When we lost Cassie and Bobby, when Beau lost his whole reason for being, thousands of daggers stabbing into my skin couldn’t have hurt any more than that did. Auntie Mo said it was because I was what some people called an empath. Personally, I thought it was because I was a dick who sometimes needed to grow a pair of balls.

Watching my mum slowly waste away after my dad died almost killed me, too. I could barely eat for the worry that I didn’t need at eleven years of age. There was a constant niggle in my guts and a huge lump in my throat as I guarded her every move. I did everything that a good kid would do. I would clear the dishes away, go to bed on time, make sure all my homework was completed, I even did housework for her. All of it in the hope that if I was perfect, she’d start to feel better, we wouldbothstart to feel better. Then she died and the pain went away, but anger replaced it and had been there ever since. To everyone, I was amiable Ronnie, the stupid one who everyone laughed at because he was like a big kid. They had no idea how fucking hard it was being me at times.

“This is it.” I turned to Amber and pointed towards the white marble headstone. “This is where my mum and dad are.”

Silently I read the gold lettering and wondered if there would ever be a day when grief wasn’t the first emotion I felt when I thought about them.

John & Diane Dwyer

Beloved husband & wife and parents of Ronnie

United in life, Reunited in Death

1972 - 2008

They weren’t the words I’d have put on there. Not about my mum anyway. I would have preferred United in life, and she was too selfish to stay behind and look after her own kid. It didn’t quite scan, though and at the time, at a quid a letter, Auntie Mo couldn’t afford it. I’d offered to buy a new one since I’d made a ton of money, but she’d refused.

“They were born and died the same year?” Amber whispered as she moved up beside me. “That’s so tragically romantic.”

“Yeah, well I don’t know about that. Dad died in a work accident and Mum three months later,” I said, a massive dose of nonchalance thrown in. I wasn’t as indifferent as I was making out. Totally the opposite, but it wasn’t something that Amber needed to worry about.

I heard a tiny gasp as Amber’s body stiffened next to mine. “Oh my god, Ronnie, I’m so sorry.”

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