Page 38 of Shattered

Ew I don’t It tasted like poo.

maybe I had to much candy.

I dont fink so candy is good for you they woldnt make you sick.

really

yeah nerd ropes have beries and grape and strawberys in dem.

my teeth hurt.

prob cos u havnt had enuf candy

I run my hand over my mouth, attempting to muffle my laughter and prevent Bex from waking up. I talked about some shit when I was younger. I glance at the end of the book and see that the page is turned down like a dog’s ear. When I shine the UV light, the text becomes difficult to read at first. The writing is scattered and chaotic. Writing blindly can be challenging, which is why this sometimes happens.

Writing fragments are cluttered across the entire page.

I’m going to get better, Bray. I promise.

Please don’t let go.

Please don’t close the door on me.

Please come back. I’m sorry.

I need you.

BB for life.

My best bro.

Fuck poison.

Fuck Bexley.

Tears well up in my eyes as I read further. Witnessing him write messages to himself filled with self-hatred and thoughts of death. Messages saying if he was dead, I would be able to get on with my life. A tear slips out when I abruptly close the book, startling Bexley. With a bang, the empty vodka bottle slips from his grasp and crashes to the floor, his bloodshot eyes fixated first on me and then on the book.

“Bray.” His voice sounding gritty, causing yet another tear to escape. Bexley follows my tears and frowns. I rise from the bed and position myself next to him, sitting down beside him. I cup his face with my hands and bring our heads together.

“If you believe that your death would improve my life, you are mistaken,” I grit out. “If you’re gone, there’s nothing left of me. Do you grasp what I’m saying? If you die, you may as well take me with you.” As he nods, a tear rolls down his face.

“I’m sorry, Bray,” he manages through choked words.

“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

“You were right, though. I am fucking up your life.”

“Without you, Bex, my life would be a complete mess.” I close my eyes. The image of not having Bexley in my life feels void. My life wouldn’t be worth living anymore. “You cared for me growing up. You were my mom and dad in one. You gave me food, you ensured my safety, you showed me unconditional love. I will never abandon you. We will beat this.”

“Bray,” he sobs, “I just want to live.” I embrace him tightly as he sobs against my chest, his shoulders quivering. “I want to live for us. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to see life the way I used to. I want to see how beautiful life is. How do I make it stop?”

With tears leaving my eyes, my body trembles as his cries become louder. Tears stream down our faces as I tightly hold on to Bexley, my hands trembling. I lie down, pressing Bexley close as he wraps his arm around my waist. Our large frames barelyfit on the small bed, but I embrace him until his crying-induced exhaustion gradually sends him to sleep. I weep silently, tears soaking the pillow beneath me. Despite my muscles aching, I can’t bring myself to let go of Bexley. I need to hold on to him a little longer.

The wordsI just want to livekeep echoing in my head.

I can’t lose him, and it’s as if he’s slowly slipping from my grasp. I need to do something now before it’s too late and I lose him for good.

Because if I did, I don’t think I would come out on the other end.

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