Page 17 of Make Me Feel Again

“I did good, didn’t I?” I smile at the one of him leaning against a bar at someone’s birthday.

“He did just as good.” Toni nudges my side. I smile down, flicking through the pictures. One after the other guts me each time, but I need to see him.

“I can’t believe he’s dead, Ton,” I whisper, and a tear slides down my cheek. She lays her head on top of mine as we stare at a picture of Jace and me smiling into a kiss.

“Have the police said anything?” she whispers.

I shake my head. “No. They are still looking for him.”

“You haven’t spoken about what happened? You know you shouldn’t hold that in. I’m here to listen.”

I take a deep breath. “I know, I just don’t want to relive it all. I told the police everything and now I’m trying to put it to the back of my mind.” I pause, wondering whether I should say something but then internally beat myself for ever thinking I should hold something back from her.

“He did say something that keeps playing in my head.”

“Mm, go on,” she whispers.

I continue flipping through the pages. “He said it’s so much deeper than I could possibly think.” I haven’t stopped thinking about it. What could he mean?

“What is?” Toni questions, lifting her head to look at me.

“I don’t know, that’s the thing. Something doesn’t feel right.”

“Leave it to the police, baby. They will get him, you know that, don’t you?” I nod. I’m sure they will, but what if they don’t, what happens then? I have to live my life looking over my shoulder everywhere I go? Toni brushes through my hair with her fingers and grips my face.

“What am I going to do with you, my Rylee.”

I smile. “Tell me about it. I ask myself this every day in the mirror.” We laugh and then fall silent. What am I going to do, though?

Toni lets go of my face, sitting up a little straighter. “Are you going to tell me about what happened between you and Daddy, then.”

I squint at her. I don’t think she will ever stop calling him that. I roll my head back, groaning. “Where to even start.”

“Ow, that hurt.” I rub at the spot she just smacked me.

“Stop deflecting just spill, verbal diarrhea me.” Her word choice is worrying sometimes, but I do just that, I explain everything from when Cash turned up to my place drunk, to the night at the bar, and then to last night. I explain through tears everything I have been feeling: the confusion, the guilt. By the time I have finished, I’m sobbing into her chest.

“The guilt is eating me up, Ton. It’s been nearly four months since losing Jace, four fucking months,” I cry out. “How can I have feelings for his dad, and the worst part about it, I don’t feel any guilt when I’m with Cash. It’s like he takes all the pain away, but then as soon as he’s not around, it hits me like a ten-ton truck.”

“Okay, baby. Let it out,” Toni whispers, holding me tight and stroking the back of my head.

“I don’t want you to just agree with me, but please tell me how sick and wrong this is. Don’t sugarcoat shit.” She pulls me away from her chest.

“First, I am your best fucking friend, okay. I will never sugarcoat shit for you, if I think you’re wrong, I will call you out quicker than you can blink.” Her shoulder rises as she leans in closer, keeping strong eye contact with me until I nod in understanding.

“And second.” She sighs, her shoulder drops, and her face softens. “I will also tell you when you’re right and . . . What you’re feeling, there isn’t anything wrong with it, but I do think you need some time.”

“What do you mean some time?” I wipe at my tears.

“Some time to yourself, time away from Cash. This guilt won’t go away until you have accepted it yourself. I also think.” She grabs my hands, lacing her fingers through mine and frowning down at her hands.

“Go on.” I urge, wondering what she’s going to say.

“You know you will always love Jace, right?” Her eyes flicker between mine.

I nod. “Of course.”

She smiles. “Then one day you will have to accept that you can love him forever but also let him go.”

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