Page 14 of Make Me Feel Again

“Jace was lucky to have you as a dad. Never forget that.” The words make me sad and happy all at once. I give her a tight-lipped smile to keep my emotions in check. I was a good dad, but if he ever found out why I was the way I was toward her, I would have been the worst dad to walk this earth.

Chapter fourteen

Rylee

HearingeverythingthatJamesdid to Casey sent me into a downward spiral. Nothing gets worse than killing Jace, but to then hear that, felt like my heart was being cut open again. I couldn’t take it. Knowing he had made that poor girl do all those things. All those times he was following me around. I feel like my memories have been stolen for all the times I bumped into him when I was out, and silly naive Rylee put it down to being a coincidence.

I wait in the bedroom, holding my pj’s and towel in my hand. My body feels like a deadweight, but I know this bath will be what I need. I drag myself toward the bathroom, and Cash is nowhere in sight, but a sweet aroma fills my nose, and I gasp when I see the tub.

A few candles are dotted around, and a large glass of wine sits at the end. The bubbles nearly overflow. The thought of Cash doing this for me causes something in my stomach to stir and my heart to beat a little faster. I can’t keep ignoring this feeling, but it’s all so wrong, and with everything happening, this might be the worst time to speak to him about it.

I step into the bath, the water is the perfect temperature. I ease myself down and let out a long sigh as I lie back. That’s the thing with baths, they can either take it all away or bring it all to the surface. Right now, I feel content but sad. Like I could lie here blissfully but still cry. What is wrong with me? I close my eyes, and let the bubbles consume me, pretending the water removes every weight holding me down in life. If only it was that simple.

Out of nowhere, a wave of sadness crashes into me. I didn’t think I could cry any more, but it floods out of me. I cry for everything in my life: for Jace, for the life he can’t have back, I cry for us, for our future we will never have. I cry for his family that will never get to see his lightness again, for Casey who had to endure all of James’s torturous games, and then I cry for myself. I lost the love of my life and now I sit here in his dad’s house, in this messed-up situation, knowing these feelings are not going to go away. Then I have to admit I have feelings for Cash Stiles and my life is so fucked up, I don’t know if it’s ever going to get better.

My breath lodges in my throat as the sobs come too fast for me to let them out. I don’t hear Cash approach, but when the arms that I have been craving wrap around me, it’s like all the pain seeps out.

“Shh, Rylee. I’m here. Let it out.”

I grip Cash’s arms. My head rests on his chest as he leans over the bath rocking me until the cries get softer.

“How do you do it, Cash.” I don’t know what I’m asking: deal with his son’s death, deal with the fact his son has been murdered, deal with the fact he’s kissed me.

“Deal with what?” he whispers.

“Life. This shit card life has dealt you.”

“Lie back, Rylee.” I don’t even think, I just do what he says. He eases me down into the water, and my trust in him takes over, and my mind doesn’t even need to work. I allow him to lead my body and mind. I keep my eyes closed as he runs his finger through my hair in the water, and then he pulls me back up, bringing my knees to my chest. Wrapping my arms around my legs, I lean my head on them. A bottle cap pops open and then his fingers are massaging my scalp. The simple act has me choking on another sob. He’s taking care of me when I need it most.

“Life can be real shit, Ry.” he says, still massaging my scalp. “I learned that when I lost my parents within the same week.” Jace told me about his gran dying of cancer and his grandad having a heart attack five days later. He was only seven, so he didn’t remember them well enough, but he had pictures of them. Bridge always spoke about them and what incredible parents they were and how they worshipped the ground Jace walked on.

“I didn’t know what life was without them, Ry. They had always been there. Always helped me, guided me. Losing them was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, especially having a little sister who was more heartbroken than I’d seen anyone. She lost both of her best friends within five days of each other. It was tough.”

He presses on my shoulder, pushing me backward. He uses both hands to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. I open my eyes and gaze over Cash’s face as he concentrates on what he’s doing. He lifts me back up to sitting, then runs the conditioner through my hair.

“The one thing I remember was crying for weeks, feeling as if my whole life had stopped. Everything goes dark, but when you look around, the world is still spinning and doesn’t stop to grieve with you. People get on with their lives while you’re stuck in your head not knowing how to get on with yours. You’re expected to just build up your walls and fall back into routine. Your clients don’t wait around for you to build yourself back up, you still have to pay bills. You still have to go shopping and live life. Nothing stops for you.

“Then there was Jace. Being a single dad didn’t just stop at that moment. I still had to bathe him, feed him, put him to bed. I had to build up my walls, even if they were jagged and broken, and get on with life, just like everyone else. It’s not that easy for some people. This is the shit side of life, and this isn’t going to be the last time my walls fall and crumble. This won’t be the last time I crash and burn, but I’d done it once so I knew I could do it again. I think having Jace helped. It was a distraction. I couldn’t just give up, because I had him, and what a distraction he was.” He chuckles.

I smile through more tears as Cash slides me back down to rinse the conditioner out of my hair. This should be awkward, but it’s actually the most at ease I’ve felt in a long time. I close my eyes, relaxing at the feel of his fingers running through my hair, and hoping all my troubles wash away with his actions.

Cash pulls me gently back up, and I feel the moment slipping through my fingers. I don’t ever want to lose this moment, but Cash doesn’t stop. He soaps up a loofah and scrubs my back. I smile to myself while resting my face on my knees again.

“I would wake up every morning with Jace lying next to me, cuddling me, it was like he knew I needed him. I woke up every day with a smile because of him. He took the pain away and brought back the light in my darkness. I knew then I had to pick myself up, not just for me, but for him and my family. I had to accept the harsh reality that is life and had to accept my parents were no longer here and were just a memory. I had to say goodbye to that part of my life because it was no more. That doesn’t mean I don’t still think of them, every day I think of them, but I couldn’t wallow in self-pity anymore, I couldn’t drag through life. I had to remember the good times, hold onto the amazing memories they gave me, and say goodbye.

“Is that what you have done with Jace?” I’m not judging him in the slightest, what he says makes sense because that is what I’ve been doing for the past few months—dragging myself through life. I just want to know if it feels different with Jace.

“It’s different. The love you have for your children is a love you will only ever have once. It’s a different kind of love, a unique love, but it’s also the strongest of them all.” He goes silent for a minute.

“It cut deeper than anything I’ve felt before. The shock lasted a while before the grieving kicked in, but this time, I didn’t have Jace there to distract me, so I turned to drinking. Alcohol was my best friend. I grieved into every bottle I opened and with every sip I took, but every morning, that anxious and panicked feeling was there when I opened my eyes. The pain I had nursed the day before would be back again, and drinking was the only thing that took the pain away, even if it was temporary. It would until I saw a picture of him or had a memory of him.” He pauses, long finished rubbing my back and arms. He doesn’t touch me anywhere else, just stays resting on his knees, arms leaned over the rim of the bath. We sit there in comfortable silence.

“The night before I ended up at your apartment, I had a dream.” I think back to the dreams I used to have of Jace every night through my grieving. They were painful, but I felt so close to him in those moments.

“It was just us at a bar after a long day at work, like we always used to do. Talking about work, laughing, joking. Then he just stared at me and stopped talking. Then he started disappearing. First it was his hand and then one arm. I was frantic, not knowing what to do, and the more I touched him, the faster he faded. His last words—” Cash clears his throat as he looks down to the floor. “He said please look after her.” My breath hitches. He means me. “Then he was gone.” Cash take a deep breath before continuing.

“I don’t believe in the afterlife, and I know it was just a dream and concoction of my own thoughts, but when I woke up that morning, I felt a pull to you, Ry. I tried drinking it away, hence why I ended up at your place that night. I wanted to sit in Jace’s office, and in my drunken state, I thought he might show me a message to confirm my dream, but he didn’t. I then realized it was just my own selfishness wanting to be near you.” He whispers the last part. My heart beats out of my chest with that small confession. He stands, drying his hands on the towel. I keep my head rested on my lap, watching him as he walks toward the door.

“You want to know how I do it, Ry? How I get through losing my son.” He stops at the door and turns toward me, keeping his eyes on my face.

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