Page 63 of Make Me Feel Again

“Things have happened, and I can’t say you would be happy with them entirely. Maybe I have been telling myself if you could see us now, you would accept it. But who would accept their girlfriend moving on to their dad?” I laugh, trying not to cry. “I know it’s not right, Jace. I know what some people say behind my back, and I have accepted it. People speak, lies are told. I know in time I will soon let it go over my head, but it still hurts hearing it.”

I think back to the whispers in the coffee shop the other day when I was with Cash. I overheard a girl say I must have been sleeping with Cash for years behind Jace’s back. Normally, I would confront anyone saying something behind my back, but I broke down. I ran out of the shop, collapsing to the ground, crying. Cash came out after me and held me until I stopped. He was furious when he heard what had been said, but that night, Bridge came over and explained that as horrible as it is, people who don’t know us won’t understand, and they don’t see the love Cash and I have for each other and how much we have helped one another, and she’s right. But it still hurts.

“I don’t really know why I feel the need to say this, maybe so I’m saying this out loud? I don’t know, Jace. All I know is I need you to know, nothing ever happened when we were together, and I never looked at your dad in any way at all.” I keep my eyes on the sun, hoping it won’t disappear. It doesn’t, it stays shining down on me warming my face. “But you do have to know one thing. I love Cash. I have fallen hopelessly and utterly in love with him, and I can’t picture my life without him.” I close my eyes, picturing Cash lying in the hospital bed. “I honestly thought my life was over when I thought he was dead. There is no way I could go through losing someone I love again, and nearly losing Cash, made me feel realize that.” I lay back on the sand, even if the coldness bites my skin.

“When I met you, it was like a fairytale, my very own story and every year of our life was a new chapter and I never imagined starting a new one without you. Now I’m starting a new chapter with someone new, but I can promise you, I will reread our chapters, Jace. My story began with you, and although you may have physically left me, you will always live on, your kindness, your love, the mark you left on each of us will never die. We will never stop speaking of you. We will never forget you. Your memory will live on through the rest of our chapters. I will always and forever love you in here.” I raise my hand and rub over my heart.

I continue to lie on my side, watching the clouds move at a fast pace, my skin slowly going numb from the bitter cold. Then a dark shadow casts over me, but it doesn’t make me cold. It makes me warm. Cash stares down at me.

“Cash.” I smile. Bridge and Boh appear from behind him. I stand up quickly and am taken back. Toni appears, Rachel appears. Jace’s friends and coworkers. Everyone that was at his funeral stands on the beach, all holding a tulip in their hand.

“We wanted to all be together today,” Cash whispers, pulling me to his side. I haven’t been affectionate with Cash all that much in front of people yet, but it doesn’t bother me, and I know Cash doesn’t care, if people love us, they will accept it.

“We do this together, Rylee.” Cash places a soft kiss on my forehead, and I nod.

“Together.” I smile up at him. He passes me a tulip, and I peep around his broad frame, everyone holding on to each other, standing on the shoreline, staring out to sea. Toni catches my eye.

She mouths,I love youbefore blowing me a kiss. I catch it and place it in my pocket as a single tear falls down her cheek. Her hand disappears in her pocket, and then she pulls it out and places it against her cheek.

I love you too.My lips mime to her. We all huddle together and stare out to sea. Bridge has a few tulips in her hand, and I ask her for another one, and she smiles and passes me one. I walk toward the water and place one in the water.

“Rest in eternal peace, Casey.” The tulip floats out, the waves taking it under as it slowly disappears. From the corner of my eye, I see everyone standing either side of me, and I peek up at Cash standing by my side, his hand sinks into mine.

“Together,” we say as we bend down and place our tulips in the water, everyone follows, placing their own different colored tulips in the water. “Swim free, Jace.” Me and Cash say together.

We all watch as they float in the waves, and then the sun shines brighter, causing me to laugh, but my heart beams when everyone at the same time says, “Hi Jace.”

Epilogue

Rylee - Seven years later

“Thor,don’truntoofar,” I shout as he plays on the beach. His little legs going too fast, and I see him going over before it even happens.

He lands flat on his face, and Cash next to me lets out a little chuckle. I swing my gaze so fast to him.

“Why are you laughing?” I screech, standing to get to Thor.

“Rylee. He’s a boy. Let him be a boy.”

I approach Thor and bend down, his face still flat in the sand.

“Baby, are you okay?” I turn him over, and his whole face, including his mile-long eyelashes I am constantly jealous of are covered in sand. I swipe off the sand, and his big blue eyes shine back at me before a smile appears on his face as he looks over my shoulder at Cash and laughs.

“Silly me,” he says and pushes me off him. I stand up, and he takes off again. A warm hand slides around my waist as Cash places a kiss on my head.

“Why doesn’t he need me anymore, Cash?” I say, frowning. “I don’t want him to grow up.” He’s already too boyish, he won’t need me at all soon. Cash chuckles and pulls me in for a hug, coming as close as he can, but my huge bump makes that slightly harder.

“I think in his own way, he’s trying to be independent. He knows his little sister will be here soon, and he wants to be the best big brother to her and help you with her. Look how much he fusses over you when she is causing you discomfort.” I smile, thinking back to last week when my ankles were swollen and I was struggling to stand on my feet for too long. My heart melted into mush on the floor when his little hand took mine in his and led me over to the sofa where he asked me to sit down and then picked up my legs one by one and placed them on the table with a cushion under them. He then told me, Daddy and he were cooking his little sister and me dinner that night. Which they did, and it was so special, even if it was nuggets and chips. Thor said it was his specialty.

Cash rubbing on my belly brings me out of my thoughts. “This little one is going to make me grayer than I already am.” I smile up at him, running my fingers through his brown and slightly gray beard.

“I hope so,” I whisper into his lips, a smirk forming on my face. Cash has aged like fine wine. He only gets hotter the older he gets. His wrinkles have become more defined around his eyes, and every time he smiles, my heart skips a beat. His hair is still brown but the gray specs shine through when the sun hits them and is a lot more prominent on his face. He still keeps up with the gym, so his body has never faulted. He still has the abs, but if I’m honest, I don’t care. I’m so in love with him, my friends are still adamant it is sickening. I still gush about him seven years later, and even when he walks into a room, I get the same butterflies and still get nervous around him.

Cash looks down at me, raising one eyebrow. “You like me gray, Mrs. Stiles?” He smirks before following up with “I didn’t know you had a daddy kink, interesting.” I slap him on the arm, before pulling away and walking toward Thor, who is still barreling his way down the beach. I still get butterflies when he calls me Mrs. Stiles.

He took me back to the cabin in Whitefish for my birthday and proposed on the balcony. He had someone go out there and decorate it all in pretty fairy lights. It was perfect. A day I will never forget, because it was also the day I told him I was eight weeks pregnant. I had taken my pill religiously, but it felt like fate that it happened. He cried into my belly and kept kissing it all night. We then made love until the light was shining through. It was one of the best days of my life, and I’ll never forget it. That and our perfect wedding, which Bridget and Ton organized to perfection.

Cash and I walk hand in hand, and Thor has stopped and is staring out to sea. I look out to see what he is looking at. The dark clouds that were there, are now disappearing as the sun breaks through. It’s eight years ago today we lost one of the most amazing people in our lives. We still always talk about Jace, we want Thor to know about his big brother and how special he was. We have pictures of him around the house so he can know what he looked like. Cash always tells Thor stories about him when he was a kid, and the more I hear about Jace as a little boy, the more I see Thor in him. He always says how much Thor is like Jace in personality and looks. Thor and Cash have the most amazing father-son bond I have ever seen. I think Cash feels like this is his second chance at being a dad, not that he wasn’t a great dad to Jace because he was, but he just always wants to be with Thor.

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