Page 2 of Make Me Feel Again

He stares at me with a blank expression for what feels like an eternity and then speaks. “You want to know everything?” he asks, raising his eyebrow.

I nod because I don’t think I can speak without breaking down. He crouches again.

“I don’t think you can handle the truth, Rylee. I can promise you, it’s so much deeper than you could possibly imagine.” He smiles, then stands, spins on his heel, and walks back toward the door.

“Wait. James. Don’t leave me on my own. What are you going to do?” The words leave my mouth before I can even think. Panic is taking over my body. I can’t sit here without knowing what or why. He doesn’t even bother turning around to look at me.

“Make sure you eat the food I left you; you have lost a lot of weight recently. I miss those curves,” he deadpans, before walking out the wooden door and closing it behind him.

The locks click in place, then I lean to the side and liquid burns my throat and nose as I finally retch.I miss those curves.I cover my mouth, trying to hold back the sobs wanting to escape. There’s no way I’m getting out of here, and I have no idea what James will do. By the things he was saying, and the way he was looking at me, whatever he does, it will happen whether I want it to or not.

Chapter two

Cash

Ipacethelengthof my house, tugging my hair till pain sears my scalp. When I got a call from James’s ex-girlfriend, Casey, an hour ago, my heart sank. I always knew something wasn’t right with James, and after what Jace and I saw on his phone a year ago, my thoughts were confirmed.

Rylee is a stunning girl, and Jace knew everyone knew that, but he had the attitude of they can look all they want, but she’s mine. He was a lot calmer than I ever could have been. Yes, I was a hypocrite, and I still am, but back then, I only ever admired Rylee’s looks and personality. I bet that slimy prick James admired a lot more. When James was flicking through pictures on his phone to show Jace and me his holiday pictures, he accidentally scrolled too far and a picture of Rylee came up. Anger simmered through my veins. I have never struggled so much to hold back anger like I did that day.

If Jace hadn’t done something about it, I would have. Jace’s eyes narrowed, and his face got red before he snatched the phone out of James’s hand. I grasped James so he couldn’t grab it back. With the fury flowing through me in that moment, I could have crushed his worthless bones with my bare hands. Anger filled Jace as he flicked through the pictures. I only saw the one, but Jace said there were at least twenty of Rylee, all pictures he had saved from her Facebook. I wanted to rip his fucking head off. Jace was a calm man, but he could hold his own. I knew that from the little scraps he got into at school, and he always came out on top, but he was a lover, not a fighter. Rylee brought the loving side out in him more, but when he saw pictures of her on one of his closest friend’s phone, he lost it.

One minute, Jace was staring down at the phone, trembling in anger; the next, I was pushed out of the way and Jace was on top of James, raining blow after blow down on him. I was happy to sit back and let it play out. The slimy prick needed a beating, but Rowan pulled Jace off while some staff from the bar helped James up off the floor. Jace had a few firm words to say before we left and was raging on the way home.

The thing is, James didn’t even try to plead his innocence or make any excuses. He just looked angry that Jace had reacted the way he did, and never showed any mercy, as if he had the right to have those pictures of Rylee. I told Jace then he needed to kick that prick to the curb and keep him far away from her. I had no doubt in my mind that he would try and take Rylee from him. The thought sends me spiraling even more.

The heartbreaking truth of the matter is, Jace isn’t here anymore to stop him, but is what I’m doing any better? No, it isn’t. As much as I said I wasn’t sorry the other night, it’s plagued my mind since being at home alone more than I ever thought it would. I can’t stop thinking how sick and wrong it is of me to do what I’m doing. I’ve told myself it’s the grief. We gravitated toward each other because of Jace—the one person we loved more than life itself—but I know for me that’s not the reason. I just have to say that to stop hating myself more than I already do. All I want is for Rylee to be safe, and I know Jace would want me to do everything I can to make that happen.

I send Rylee a text to know she is safe, and I also need to explain to her why Jace stopped talking to James and why I told her to stay away from him.

Me:It’s urgent, I really need to speak to you. Pick up your phone.

I know deep down why she isn’t answering, it’s the guilt of what happened the other night. The guilt is eating away at me. I have barely slept since, not that I sleep much these days. My dreams have turned into play-by-play memories of Jace growing up. When I open my eyes and I am back to reality, the pain hits harder each time. So I try and keep busy with work, or just drink myself into oblivion to the point my brain is too fucked up to dream. It usually works.

My phone shows she has read the message. After this, I will go back to the way things were and keep my distance. Well, try, but I need to explain everything first. I try ringing her again, but this time, it goes straight to voicemail. I get she doesn’t want to talk, but there’s no way I can leave this after what I've found out today. I grab my coat and keys and head out to the car. As much as I don’t want to step foot back in that apartment, I need to see her.

“Rylee,” I shout through the door. I've been banging on the door and she hasn’t answered. Maybe she is out with Toni or Rachel. I rub the outline of the key in my pocket, not wanting to cross that line but the bad feeling in my gut hasn’t left me since that call. I pull the key out of my pocket, flip it between my fingers and glance back up at the door. I pound on the door one more time before opening it, then shout Rylee’s name again, but it’s deadly silent.

The horrible feeling in my stomach intensifies from being back in this apartment. “Stop thinking, Cash, just look for Rylee.” I step into the apartment some more. “Rylee!” Her keys aren’t hanging on the hook. She’s clearly out, but this isn’t something that can wait. I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Toni’s number.

“What do you want?”

“It’s Cash.”

“Yeah, I’m aware. Like I said, what do you want?” Toni is a character, but she’s not rude, so I’m not sure why—

“You have some nerve ringing me, Cash. You best believe if you were standing in front of me, your cheek would be stinging from the hardest slap you have ever received in your life.” Then it dawns on me, either she heard what happened at the bar or Rylee told her what happened in the apartment and they’re both disgusted with me right now.

“Look—”

“No, you look, Mr. My Rylee is a good girl. She certainly does not need you calling her out in front of people and talking down to her like she is a piece of shit on the bottom of your shoe. She isn’t one of these flavors of the week you parade around. She respects herself and would certainly not go with the likes of creepy as fuck James. Especially after everything that has happened.” Her voice dims down on the last bit.

I sit in silence because I know what I did at the bar was disgusting, and she is right. I acted like Rylee is one of these girls who jumps from person to person when she is not even in the same galaxy as those women.

“Cash.” Her voice is low and calm. “I know you’re hurting; I can’t even imagine what you and your family are going through right now. We all lost a huge part of our lives, and things will never be the same, but please, I beg you, give Rylee a break. You have always acted a certain way with her, but this is not the right way. Go back to being your moody-broody self toward her, but please, don't be nasty to her. She's fighting this uphill battle alongside you, and I don’t know how much more she can take.” She sighs.

She’s right, everything she said is right, and I have nothing to say back to her. “We all miss him.” Her voice cracks as sniffles come through the phone. My jaw clenches as I try and hold back my emotions. Now is not the time to break down. I can’t.

“Toni, everything you have said is true. Rylee knows I’m sorry for what happened the other night. There is no excuse for it, I was a complete prick and I own that.” She sniffles and chuckles.

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