She takes a sip of her coffee and watches me over the rim. “What do you want to talk about first?”
“Everything.” She is the only person I’ve ever struggled to talk to when I have a mountain load of things on my mind. This is different, though. Different from everything we’ve ever spoken about.
I drag in a deep breath and decide to start with the most important thing. The beginning. The night things changed. “I shouldn’t have rejected you.”
“Which time?”
“The first time. The time that counts the most.”
“Why did you? I was eighteen.”
“I know.”
“Was it Josh?” Harper searches my eyes. I’m not surprised she guessed he had something to do with my decision. “Did he say something to you?”
“Yes. He did. The year before he warned me to stay away from you. He caught me watching you.”
Her eyes widen and a soft rose color spreads across her cheeks. “Okay I was seventeen then, but telling you to stay away from me soundswayharsh. Nick was ten years older than me. Josh seemed fine with that. He never even mentioned it, so it can’t be our age difference—which is hardly anything anyway.”
“He has his reservations about me.” I sit straighter and level her a hard stare.
“But he knows you more than anyone.”
“I guess that’s why.”
She thinks for a moment and the curiosity in her eyes intensifies. “What gave him those reservations?”
“High school.” I swallow hard. I haven’t spoken about Natalia in years. It always gets me when I do, but I will myself to keep going. “He doesn’t want me to hurt you, the way I hurt an ex of mine who ended up killing herself.”
Harper’s skin pales and her hands go so limp I fear she may drop the cup. She sets it back on the table but her hands are shaking.
“What happened, Asher?”
“Her name was Natalia. We dated for nearly a year. I broke up with her in senior year when we grew apart. I was already bound by my marriage contract so I knew I couldn’t have a future with her anyway. Knowing that, my biggest mistake was getting involved with her in the first place.” I pause for a beat as my mind goes back to that difficult time. “I guess I wasn’t really thinking about that at seventeen. She took our break up harder than I expected and turned to hardcore drugs. It ruined her life.She killed herself months later when she saw me with someone else.”
Harper’s hands fly up to her cheeks. “Oh, Asher. Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”
“I blamed myself.” Guilt stirs deep in my soul like a tumultuous maelstrom waiting to swallow everything that goes near it.
“But that wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe not technically, but I still blamed myself.” I press my palms to the table, allowing my fingertips to touch the hot coffee cup. “People like Josh blamed me too.”
Harper shakes her head and stares at me with sad, worried eyes. “That’s incredibly unfair. I’m shocked that Josh would do that.”
“Josh thinks of me as a playboy who has no regard for anyone’s feelings. That’s why he blamed me and the reason he wouldn’t want me to get involved with you. That night I rejected you I didn’t want to hurt you. But I ended up hurting you anyway.”
She presses her lips together and frowns. “The accident wasn’t your fault, Asher. It’s was something uncontrollable that happened to me.”
“You could have died.”
“I didn’t. I’m here.”
“One more minute could have saved you from heading into danger.”
“We don’t know that.”
“I wanted you. If I’d kept you with me, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt. I let you go because I knew Josh didn’t approve of me and I didn’t want to cross a line like that with you and end up proving him right.”