Page 31 of Offside Bride

I feel a bead of sweat trickle down my back. This woman is going to be the death of me.

“So,” I say, trying to change the subject. “I read online that Sunrise Foods is making the transition to all organic ingredients. That is definitely a brand I can stand behind.”

“We can talk business another time, my boy,” Robert says, holding up his drink. “I never mix gin with cereal.”

“That would not taste good at all,” exclaims Maggie.

“I had hoped we could discuss?—”

“Do you like cigars, young man?” Robert interrupts me.

“No, I don’t smoke.”

He moves to a console table and brings back a wooden box.

“Got these in Havana the last time we went.”

He opens the box, takes out a cigar, and sniffs. “You don’t get quality like this anywhere else.”

“Oh?”

“Here.” He takes it upon himself to fold back my suit jacket, slides the cigar in the interior pocket, and pats me on the chest for good measure. “Light that up when your first son is born.”

“I don’t think they allow smoking in hospitals anymore, dear,” says Patricia.

He waves off her comment and sits back down, dangling a cigar in his mouth without lighting it. I get the feeling he just likes the flavor?

After more stimulating conversation, we finally move to the dining room. Robert and Patricia lead the way, while Maggie and I trail a little behind. Maggie leans in close to me, her breath tickling my ear. “Having fun yet, Mr. Family Man?”

I grab her hand, squeezing it a little tighter than necessary. “Behave,” I whisper.

She gives me an innocent look. “Or what?”

“Or I will throw you over my knee right here and spank the sass right out of you. And before I’m done, you’ll be begging for more.”

She just throws me a witchy grin and picks up her gait, swaying her hips side to side with the sole purpose of taunting me.

“I hope you like wagyu beef,” Patricia says as we take our seats. “Our cook studied in Tokyo for a year, right after graduating from Cordon Bleu.”

“That’s amazing,” says Maggie. “It’s so hard to find good help these days, am I right? Sawyer hired our cook at Burger King. Went right up to the manager and said ‘I simply must have this man. Name your price.’”

Patricia looks scandalized.

“Joking!” I say. “My wife loves to kid. We don’t have a cook, because Maggie is a wiz in the kitchen.”

“Oh lovely,” Patricia says.

I rub Maggie’s back as I say, “She waits on me hand and foot, this wife of mine.”

“I like that quality in a woman,” Robert says. “Let’s toast to domestic women.”

“Hear, hear,” I say, raising a glass.

“I’ve done my share of cooking,” Patricia adds. “But nowadays I have so many social engagements. You’ll understand soon enough, Maggie.”

“Just like Emily Gilmore,” Maggie chirps, then polishes off her martini.

“Who?” Patricia blinks, then turns to her husband. “That name sounds familiar. Do I know her?”

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