Page 45 of Crime Lord's Paradise

“What does that mean?” When she didn’t answer, he shook her. “Talk to me, damn it!”

Her husband hadn’t grown up in the same world she had. He was born to fight and kill for what he wanted. She fell into a gray category he didn’t know how to deal with. She would never be sure that he could control himself when his emotions were roused.

“You want to know why?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said through clenched teeth.

“Then let me go.”

His large chest expanded to capacity. She expected him to roar or go for her throat again. She could see him fighting with himself. She waited, knowing the scales could tip either way. When he ripped himself from her and walked away, she slumped against the wall. She watched the muscles in his back shift with detached fascination as he tried to control himself.

She ran her hand over her tender throat. She knew he wouldn’t understand, which is why she hadn’t discussed it with him. She did what was best for her.

Knowing she had a limited time to state her case made her anxiety rise. A warm breeze drifted over the cold sweat on her skin. Fragmented thoughts sped through her mind. Her heart began to race, and her body went numb from a chill that came from her soul. She could feel the panic attack coming along with the memories that wanted to drag her under. She braced her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. She could still feel the impact of the shield as it connected with pliant flesh; the sound of snapping bone sounded sharp and delightful in her ears … She shook herself and tried to banish the sound of the crowd in the pit as they cheered her on.

“Lyla.”

She blinked several times before she was able to focus on Gavin who stood several feet away.

“I would do anything for you,” he said in a voice that gave away his thirst for violence. “And I expect the same in return.”

“I can’t get pregnant again because I’m not okay, Gavin, and neither are you.”

“We were fine until I found out you were lying to me.”

She straightened, arms crossed over her chest, as she whispered, “You weren’t there.”

“I wasn’t where?”

“You weren’t there when I found my dad standing over Nora and Carmen.”

“What?”

She paced in front of the open doors that led onto the terrace. She could feel his impatience from across the room and knew she was running out of time. She tried to assemble her words so she could make him understand.

“That night, it was me against them.Eightof them. No backup, no idea what I was doing.” She shuddered as an acrid taste filled her mouth. “I found Pat standing over them with a gun. He’s always been a shit, but I never thought he could … How could he? If I had opened the door two seconds later, if I had stayed outside, I would’ve lost them.” The thought chilled her to the core. “TheyhuntedNora. If I hadn’t killed those men, if Blade hadn’t come in time, if I hadn’t had another gun to give Carmen …” She could barely breathe past the terror. “We almost fucking lost her!”

“But we didn’t.”

“But we were so close to—”

“Vega and your fucking father aredead,so what the fuck are you talking about?”

“They’re dead, but other people like them are still out there!” she shouted. “Nora’s had a bounty on her head before she was born, and you want to bring more kids into that? I can’t protect her, and neither can you! When it came down to it, I had to hand her off to Carmen and tell her to run. I watched Manny die. I saw what they did to my mom. Do you know what they could do to a child?” The horror of such a thing made her lightheaded with terror. “Having more children is more ammunition against us, more ways to manipulate and exploit us. I can’t lose a child, Gavin. I wouldn’t survive—”

“You won’t.”

His quick, sure answer enraged her.

“How can you promise me that? Look at my mother! Everyone around us pays a price. Being in this life has taken a toll on me. I have waking nightmares, panic attacks, and my mood swings are insane. I hallucinate. I thought I saw Steven in the nursery one day, and I almost fired my gun. I could have hurt Nora; I could have hurt myself!” She hugged herself tight to stop herself from falling apart as she paced restlessly. “There are days, sometimes even weeks where I think I’m good, that I’m past it, but it always comes back.” She glared at him as a tear slipped down her cheek. “You think four months is long enough to move on? That I should be cured and ready to pop out more babies by now? I’m not. I’m not okay. And I don’t know if I ever will be.”

She swiped at her streaming eyes. She’d said her truth, and from the looks of it, he still didn’t get it. Well, how could he understand? He believed he was invincible. She knew for a fact that she wasn’t. That night at the safe house, she had done everything that was required of her, yet in the end, Nora’s life had been in Carmen’s hands. If Carmen hadn’t pulled the trigger …

“After my first kill in the pit, I couldn’t sleep for days.”

She stopped in her tracks and looked at him. His hands were clasped behind him, back ramrod straight. He didn’t continue; he just watched her with an intensity that made her want to back away.

“How old were you?” she asked.

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