Page 70 of Dreaming of Dawson

“That they weren’t in the same position. They were just colleagues. Neither of them was a head of department, like he was.”

“I see,” he says, nodding his head. “So he thought it was wrong to be dating someone who worked for him?”

“It seemed that way. Although that didn’t stop him. Or me.”

“Okay. So you carried on seeing each other?”

“Yes.”

“Just spending the weekends at his apartment?” he asks. “He never came to your place?”

“I was still living with my parents, so it wasn’t practical for him to spend the night there, but he met them. He spenttime with them. They liked him, and he said he liked them. He told me how refreshing it was to know there were parents who supported their children, and let them do what they wanted, instead of dictating to them. Obviously, I knew he was talking about his uncle, not his parents, and I felt sorry for him.”

Dawson stares at me for a moment, then lets out a sigh.

“I’m not sure he deserved your sympathy, Macy. Surely, he could have done something about his uncle, if he’d wanted to.”

“That’s what I said.” It’s actually a relief to hear him say that. “At the time, I wondered if I was going crazy, or maybe missing something. My parents were backing me up, agreeing with everything I said to James, but he didn’t wanna know. He just kept carping on about his uncle, and how he never got to decide anything for himself. To be honest, I was getting fed up with it. I didn’t mind listening to his problems. It was the fact that he wouldn’t do anything about it. He wouldn’t help himself.”

“So, what happened?”

“I’d brought a few books and things over to his place during our time together, but there wasn’t really anywhere to put them, and I said I’d have to take them back to my mum and dad’s, because we were falling over them. He didn’t like that. He said it made him feel like I was moving out… or moving on. So I suggested we could always get somewhere bigger… somewhere of our own.”

“What did he say to that?”

“I half expected him to say ‘no’, and come up with a list of reasons why we couldn’t. But he surprised me and said he wanted to. It seemed… It seemed like he was taking the first step away from his uncle, and finally breaking free. I’ll admit, it wasn’t just the clutter that was getting to me. I thought, if we could find a place of our own, one that had nothing to do with his uncle, then James might loosen up a little. And besides, Iwas fed up with only being his girlfriend for two days a week, and having to hide it for the rest of the time.”

“Did you love him?” Dawson asks.

I expected this question, although I still feel unprepared to answer it.

“I must have done, I suppose.”

“Did he love you?”

“He said he did, but that doesn’t make it true.”

He frowns and leans a little closer. “It does for some men. For some of us, saying those five little words means everything.”

“Five little words? Don’t you mean three?”

“No. Saying ‘I love you’ is okay on one level, but saying ‘I’m in love with you’ is something else entirely. It’s a whole other world of commitment.”

“A commitment James wasn’t willing to make,” I whisper.

“So, he never said he was in love with you?”

“No.”

“Then he was an idiot.”

“I think he thought saying ‘I love you’ was enough.”

Dawson moves his arm as I’m speaking, so it’s along the back of the couch, his fingers brushing against my neck, which makes me shudder. “Enough? For you?” he says, shaking his head. “There’s no such thing.” I smile and we stare at each other for a long moment, until he licks his lips and asks, “What did you do? About finding a place together, I mean?”

“We started looking. I thought he’d be okay with me moving in while we searched for somewhere of our own, but he didn’t want me to. He kept saying his place was too small, and he didn’t want us falling over each other. I wondered if that was an excuse, but he seemed just as keen as I was to find somewhere of our own, and I could kinda understand where he was coming from.”

“You could?”

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