Page 59 of Dreaming of Dawson

Maybe that was why I asked her to join me… not so I could reveal how much she means to me. I’m not sure that would be wise. Not yet. But it would be good to talk, and maybe to finish the conversation we started this morning.

That was cut short by the arrival of her cab, and I regretted that. I didn’t get the chance to thank her like I wanted… even though I hadn’t worked out exactly what I was going to say. Something needed to be said, though. Just like I needed to be told I was wallowing.

I thought about that after she’d gone. It wasn’t the first time I’d been told it, after all. But it was the first time I’d really heard the words… and paid attention.

Whether that was because I was sober, or because it was Macy talking to me, I still couldn’t be sure. And to be honest, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that I’d listened.

And when I sat down with my second cup of coffee – minus the bourbon – and thought through everything she’d said to me, I realized my future was in my hands. It was right in front of me, and for the first time in a very long time, it seemed worth grasping hold of… and never letting go.

It was a weird sensation, that made me more lightheaded than any amount of vodka ever could, and I regretted Macy’s departure more than ever, because I wanted to tell someone. I wanted to describe how good it felt not to be overshadowed by the burdens of the past, and while I was desperate to share that, there were other things I needed to explain, too… not to Macy, but to someone else.

So, I called Tanner.

He answered promptly, and I opened the conversation with an overdue apology.

“Why are you saying sorry?” he said, which was hardly a surprise. I hadn’t even bothered with a ‘hello’.

“Because…” I couldn’t think what to say. Words that had come easily with Macy were stuck in my throat, so I said the first thing that came into my head. “Because it’s not long until your wedding. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than talk to me at this time of the morning.”

“Not at all. The wedding’s pretty much set, thanks to Peony, and the shop isn’t exactly overloaded with customers either, thanks to the weather.”

“It’s bad, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but they’re saying we’re due for something warmer over the weekend.”

“I hadn’t heard that.”

Probably because I’ve had other things to think about.

“Anyway, you don’t need to apologize,” he said. “If anything, you’re doing me a favor. You’re saving me from paperwork.”

I knew how he felt, but I hadn’t called to shoot the breeze. Far from it. I’d called for a reason.

“Even so,” I said, swallowing down a gulp of coffee. “I owe you an apology.”

“What for?”

The time had come to stop skirting around the truth.

“For being an asshole.”

“When?”

“Since Stevie left. I’ve realized I’ve been wasting my life, when I should have been living it,” I said, practically quoting Macy’s words at him. “I’ve been a pain in the ass, to you, and just about everyone else I know… and I think I’d better practice saying sorry, and get good at it, because there are a lot of people out there who I need to say it to.”

“I’m not one of them,” he said. “You haven’t been that bad.”

“Yeah, I have.”

“Well… we’ve all been there.”

“Not like this.” I decided I might as well come clean. “I—I’ve been drinking.”

“We’ve all been there too,” he said with a chuckle. “Hell, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve staggered back from your place and barely made it to my bed.”

That comment was a little too close to home, but I sucked in a breath, needing to tell him how bad it had been, even if I couldn’t reveal the worst of my humiliation.

“This is different,” I said. “You’re talking about coming here on a Sunday night to drown your sorrows after you’ve taken Nash back to Sabrina’s place. I’m talking about my first drink of the day being the shot of bourbon in my morning coffee.”

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