Page 35 of Destroyed

“Classy bitch,” I mutter out loud. I almost laugh because, really, if I were classy, I wouldn’t be eating cheese and cracks alone on my couch while watching Friends for the 100th time. Before I can dwell more on that, something slams against my front door.

What in the fuck?

Then, the noise is more perceptible—a knock or an attempt at a knock. I would be scared, but I hear a voice on the other side, slurring as the knocking continues. It’s Xavier.

I pull open the door, and my mouth practically falls open. Xavier’s a fucking mess. From the outside, he’s decent, but his face gives it away. His eyes are glassy and sunken back. He looks higher than a kite, but not in the happy-go-lucky way.

“Hello, Flutterby,” he manages, then collapses through the door frame and into me.

“Fuck, Xavier,” I say, barely keeping him upright as I lead him into my hallway. “How much did you take?”

He looks up at me, but his eyes barely register my face. He tries to smile. “Ssss okkkk,” he slurs.

I navigate him to my bedroom, and he instantly heaves his large body on my bed. “My mom… she didn’t tell me.. “

“Xavier, we can talk about this later,” I say. I grab his hand.

“Is there an uncle or a dad?” he says, half laughing and groaning.

He’s upset. Tremendous dude with an even bigger ego. He won’t admit he has a fucking problem, let alone that he may have emotions contributing to this whole situation.

I watch him snoring as he sleeps peacefully on my bed. He can’t keep doing this to himself. I’ve watched him grab the bottle of pills from his pocket over the last few weeks, thinking he’s being discreet when it’s completely obvious to the rest of us that he’s using “medication” to dull his sensory and emotional response to the world around him, and the pain that comes with it.

“You have a problem,” I say to him. “I won’t let you kill yourself.” It’s stupid because there’s no way he hears me, but I need to say it out loud as a commitment to myself. I can’t watch him drown in this shit. I spend another minute watching his chest rise and fall, his breathing undisturbed, before walking back to my living room. I opt for the wine over the plate of food, now needing the lull of the alcohol to calm my nerves.

I don’t want to be upset about this, yet I am. I’m scared for him, and I’m afraid for me. The tears are rolling down my face before I can register the emotion. Then it’s a complete breakdown, the kind where you ugly cry and heave for breath. By the time it passes, I’m exhausted and bleary-eyed.

I wipe my face, refill my wine, which disappeared in the last half hour, and look at my phone on the kitchen counter. I have two text notifications and one call from my assistant. She would have called more than once if it were urgent, so I look at the texts.

Sam:Hey! I’ll be in your part of the city later.

Sam:C? Is it ok if I stop by?

Shit. How do I explain to Sam that things have changed for me? Before I can think more about it, there’s a knock at my door again, much softer this time. Shit.

I open the door and see Sam standing there; she’s beautiful andhappy.

“Hi,” she says and hands out a long-stemmed pink rose. “I didn’t want to show up empty-handed.”

She smiles, and then I see her expression change as she looks at me more closely.

“Corrine? Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“Oh,” I say, realizing I look like complete shit. “Yes, I’m okay.” I look behind me, seeing the plate of food I’d left behind and the wine glass on the table, and I deflate. “I think we need to talk.”

Sam nods, looking worried. I can tell she sees the evidence of my afternoon on the couch and asks, “I thought it would be okay for me to show up like this, but now I am kind of feeling like maybe it wasn’t?”

I feel… terrible. I take Sam’s hand, leading her inside. “Let’s go sit.”

“Is someone here?” she asks, for the first time realizing this could be why I’m acting so strangely.

“Yes,” I start, “and no. Someone is physically here, but he’s not mentally present.”

“Oh,” she says, barely allowing herself to rest on the edge of my couch. “Xavier’s back?”

I had told Sam about Xavier and me after some time together again. I felt I needed to explain why I’d disappeared as a friend and reappeared. Now, I feel like I need to explain to her why I’ve let this happen again.

“It’s just… Xavier is going through some things right now.”

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