Page 24 of Romancing the Reaper

Finally, I can’t take it any longer.

I stand, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and glower at him.

He meets my gaze in his solid, unflinching way. He doesn’t say a word and the tension seems to grow between us.

I don’twantto be like this. Doesn’t he know that something that had started as a way to take control over my life is now something that regularly overwhelms me? If I’m honest with myself, I lost control such a long time ago I have no idea how to get it back. I don’t want his help. I don’t want anyone’s help.

This is my mess to deal with. A problem that I’ve created and something that I have to fix.

Kieran reaches toward me, but I don’t want to be touched.

I square my shoulders and stare him down. I’m not going to be the one to break eye contact. I’m not going to back away first. Iam not going to move out of his way. He’s going to have to be the one to move. No matter how much larger than me he is.

“Stop staring at me!” It’s all I can do to keep from shoving him. He doesn’t even flinch as I shout at him. “Move! Haven’t you done enough?! I don’t want your pity!”

Kieran’s gaze softens, and I think that somehow that makes it just that much worse.

“I don’t want your help!” I say and try to shoulder past him, but he’s having none of it.

“Too fucking bad.” Kieran says finally.

“Excuse me?! Just because you kidnapped me you think that you get any say on how I live my life?”

“Yeah, actually I do. If you think I’m just going to let you waste away just because you have little fits-”

“Little fits?!” I shout, interrupting him. I do shove him then. “I didn’t ask for this! I tried to stop it! I tried to get help!”

“And yet you keep choosing to put yourself into triggering environments over and over again.” Kieran said flatly.

The truth of his statement hurts. It feels like a slap to the face.

“So I just shouldn’t do the job that I love because… because… because…” I flounder, losing steam as I try to summon a good reason for having to do things the way that I do them. “I didn’t make the industry like this!”

Kieran smirks, and that's almost too much for me to handle. He gets in my face, nearly nose to nose with me as he speaks. “And instead of doing anything to change the industry, you continue to hurt yourself over and over again.”

“You have no idea what it’s like! You have no idea what kind of pressure you’re under to be perfect all of the time! It doesn’t stop! You can’t stop. You can’t slip up. Not even a single mistake! If I didn’t conform then I would have been rendered irrelevant. Passed over for the next young pretty thing. Everybody makes sacrifices for their dreams, Kieran!”

“And when is it too much, princess? When you die? When you’ve destroyed your throat and they have to put in a feeding tube? Is that when it will be enough?” His head tilted curiously, as if I could possibly have an answer to a comment like that.

Right now, in this moment, I think that I hate him.

“You havenoidea what you’re talking about.” I say obstinately. I refuse to cry in front of him. How can I say out loud that I’ve thought the same things many times?

He’s just throwing my deepest fears and worries out there like they’re nothing. I don’t want to have to face those realities. I don’t want to because if I admit it, then I might have to take astep back and change my priorities and I don’t think I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I will ever be.

Kieran doesn’t say another word, but something about the soft way he looks at me, makes me feel like shit.

My head falls into his chest heavily, and all the emotions that I’ve been holding back all out in one swoop. All the rage and frustration, every time that I’ve pretended comments didn’t affect me. All of the hospital trips and the hiding from my friends and family. All of the sadness and everything else buckles my knees.

Kieran wraps his arms around me and sinks to the floor while holding me. He pulls me into his lap as I cry,

He’s right. I don’t want to admit it. But it’s been killing me for so long.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

KIERAN

I’m the sort of person who likes to plan things meticulously.

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