Page 47 of Acts of Contrition

He leans forward and does the last thing I’d expect: he kisses my forehead.

“I will return in the morning. I pray the Lord moves you to make the proper decision.”

I wake the next morning with my body still feeling vaguely gelatinous. Very sore on the inside, too. And a small part… wants more. It wasn’t just orgasm; it was Thomas controlling it. Controlling me. Sending me over the precipice time and time again until my body and mind felt shattered, yet not letting me die.

Elevating me. Putting my broken pieces together. They don’t fit the same, but they do fit. Maybe even better than they did before.

Hell, what am I thinking?

Thomas has:

Kidnapped me.

Drugged me.

Pissed on me.

Cum on me.

Beaten me in multiple ways.

Got hard from said beatings.

Wants me to live on this compound where we need permission to wear dark colors and go into town or have coffee.

Pretty sure he made me think I enjoy pain when I don’t (I don’t, right?).

Not to forget I still ache inside from that damn machine.

Why am I considering this? Why am I considering his offer?

Because,my conscience whispers,he saved you from the streets. Sure, he went about it the wrong way.

He feeds you and ensures you’re healthy.

He worries about your soul.

He hasn’t forced himself on you, or forced you to be with anyone else.

He killed Rick for you.

He’s protected you.

Wait. Wait. Since when did the little voice in my head encourage this? Didn’t she always try to stop me from thinking well about Thomas? My own conscience has gone nuts.

“I can free you, little dove. But you must willingly give yourself to me first.”

Closing my eyes, I lean back against the flat pillow, hearing Thomas’ words over and over again in my mind. If I say yes, if I give in, it’s forever. I have to choose now. He has made it clear what he seeks from me. How punishments would be conducted from here on out. How he’d use my pain and turn it to pleasure to the point where it becomes unbearable and I break over and over again.

Or I can remain down here.

Or I can die. Likely, my choice now is between life and death.

And revenge,my conscience reminds me.You will only be free when you get revenge, and Thomas has offered you that on a silver platter. You’re a fool not to take the offer, not to evolve and embrace what you’ve always known: you’re as evil as Thomas is, deep down.

Is it evil to kill the wicked? Is murder a sin when you are cleansing the world?

I finally understand how Thomas sees me, sees things in shades of gray. The things he did to me were horrible, but he did them to save me. The things he has done to others he did for the same reason. To cleanse the world. To use the blackness of evil to create the white light of good.

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