Page 30 of Christmas in Paradise

Because there’s a difference between the two. I mean, who doesn’t like the excitement of being pursued? Not by a predator, obviously. But by the kind of guy who makes you feel pretty and sexy, but also safe. Especially when you’re a woman who spends a lot of time wiping little mouths and bottoms, which is not sexyat all.

I love Charly with all my heart, and I’m grateful for her every day. But having a baby when I was still a teenager means I skipped right over those years I could have been dancing and dating, chasing and being chased. One of the main reasons I liked hanging out with Sebastian last summer is that I got to experience all of that. I got to be young and carefree. I got to be a typical twenty-one-year-old.

But I also enjoyed being with Sebastian because he’s a good guy. For all his swagger, he’s pretty sweet and thoughtful. At least he was with me. Opening doors, making sure I was comfortable, never crossing any boundaries I put up.

That’s not necessarily the Sebastian I saw tonight. He was sweet with his mom, and even with his sister, despite all the teasing between the two of them. But he expected to be waited on and taken care of. He didn’t offer to help. He didn’t even put his own coat and shoes away.

I don’t know if that’s because his mom dotes on him, or if his worldview is that a man is the king of his castle. No judgement if it is. I grew up in that kind of house.

But I’ve already got one person who requires a lot of care, and probably always will. If I’m ever going to add another person to our little family, I want it to be a partner, not someone else to take care of.

And Sebastian barely acknowledged Charly. As much as I might love the idea of him wanting to spend time with me, I don’t have that kind of time and he doesn’t seem to understand that.

Only the porch light is on when I pull into Evie’s driveway. She has the top floor of the old Victorian house that’s been turned into a condo. Adam has the bottom unit. Since he’s in the same band as Sebastian, and they’re performing at his restaurant, Evie is at the show too.

A part of me wishes I were too, especially when Charly’s cries grow louder as I carry her up the stairs to Evie’s.

She finally settles down after a bath and story time. By eight o’clock she’s asleep, and I have the whole night alone ahead of me.

I’m too restless to watch TV or read a book. Not even TikTok can hold my attention. So I finally do what I know I have to do if I’m going to keep my focus on what’s most important while I’m in Paradise.

I pull up Sebastian's number, unblock it, then send him the text I’ve been subconsciously composing for the last couple hours.

You’re a great guy, but you’re not ready for the responsibility that comes with being more than my friend. So let’s keep it at that, okay? Just friends.

My finger hovers over the send button for a few seconds before I finally press it.

Then I breathe a sigh of relief.

At least, I think it’s relief.

I don’t let myself think too hard about it. Instead, I take out my laptop and open my Yulefest spreadsheets and tabs.

This is why I’m here.

To pursue my dream job and take care of Charly. That’s all I have time for.

Even if I am checking my phone every couple minutes for a reply from Sebastian.

Chapter 9

Sebastian

During our ten-minute intermission, I stay on stage, drinking the beer Britta brings to me while scrolling through my phone. When I see Hope has sent me a text, my pulse skips.

I quickly scan it, then read it more closely.

Then I read it again.

And again.

I’ve never been sent to the friend zone, but I think this is it. Everything looks the same here—the Garden of Eatin’ is still the Garden; Evie is still the only person who can get Adam to smile without trying; Zach and Georgia are still so in love it’s gross.

But itfeelsdifferent here. Lonely, even though I’m surrounded by my favorite people. Less exciting, even in the middle of a performance—a thing that pumps me up like nothing else. Dark, even with a spotlight shining on me.

The thing that I admit to myself is I’ve spent the last five months not only looking forward to Hope coming back to Paradise, but also with the expectation that she’d fall for me all over again as easily as she did the first time. And maybe that would be my revenge for the way she left.

Now I wonder if I was the only one this summer who didn’t think our time together was just a casual thing. Maybe I misread the whole thing. Or worse, projected what I was feeling onto her.

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