Page 23 of Christmas in Paradise

“You can learn those things, just like you can learn to be a father even though you didn’t have one.” Mom unfolds her napkin and smooths it over her lap. “You had plenty of other examples. Your grandfather. Your Uncle Pete…” she waves away the rest of her thought and nods toward my food. “Now eat before everything gets cold.”

I take a bite of my food and chew over what Mom has said. I want to believe her, but her faith in me isn’t enough to cast away all the doubts I have about being a father.

She may be right that I could learn how to do it, but there’s no guarantee I wouldn’t end up leaving a family way too soon, just like my dad did.

That’s the thing I’m afraid of. Leaving a kid fatherless through no choice of my own.

And if a kid has already been fatherless once, it seems like a double whammy if it happens again.

So I try to push away any thoughts about Hope beyond the fact that I did a good thing making it possible for her to come back to Paradise. She’ll get the opportunity she deserves, and I’ll get the closure I need.

But what I can’t forget is… lightning struck the first time I laid eyes on Hope.

Chapter 6

Hope

The sun peeks its yellow rays over the wheat field stretched across the horizon as Dad and I wheel my suitcases outside. While we load the car, Charly clings to Mom, watching from the big picture window. Or maybe it’s the other way around: Mom clings to her.

“You want some help with those?” Derek asks, shifting only slightly but not moving from his comfortable position leaning against his truck.

“Nope,” Dad answers briskly.

“Thanks though.” I offer Derek a quick smile.

If he hadn’t shown up to say goodbye to the kid he’s only decided to acknowledge in the past year, I think Mom and Dad would both be fighting me more about leaving. They’ve never liked him. I don’t blame them, and I’m not happy he showed up either.

But aside from Mom and Dad being more willing to let me go so I don’t get sucked back into a relationship with Derek, this job with Carson has helped me see I can take care of Charly and myself. Even if it doesn’t work out long term, I can find something else that will. I don’t ever again have to think about Derek as an option to help me get out on my own.

What might be ideal is if this job works out in a way I can stay in Paradise. The further Charly and I are from Derek, the less likely he is to even think about us.

Dad and I walk back inside, and I wave for Derek to follow.

“Okay, Charly-girl! Time to go!” I say cheerfully, but it’s all a show. If I look at Mom, I’ll have tears to join hers.

I reach for Charly, but Mom holds her tighter. “I’ll buckle her in.”

“It’s pretty cold out there, Mom…”

She’s already on her way out the door, turning her back to Derek as he reaches to tickle Charly’s leg. I follow behind her, right back into the cold I just left behind.

“Did you get the snacks I packed for her?” Mom asks. “She likes the little cereal boxes of Fruit Loops best. Right out of the box. Not in a Tupperware.”

“I know, Mom.” I don’t let Charly have Fruit Loops—too much sugar—but I appreciate that Mom wants to keep her happy.

And to be honest, I’ll probably let Charly have them. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us. Over fourteen hours, if we don’t stop. Which is impossible with a toddler, so we’ll be staying the night in a cheap motel outside of Denver.

An awkward silence falls over us when we reach the car. It’s too cold for long goodbyes, but everyone’s too sad to make our farewell quick.

“It’s not too late to change your mind about leaving her,” Mom blurts when I open the back door where Charly’s seat is. “You’ll be able to work better without her, and she’s going to be with babysitters all day anyway.”

“She’s going to be with one sitter who’s also trained in the kind of occupational therapy Charly needs.” My voice is too stern, but I’m repeating what Mom already knows as much for me as for her.

I’ve questioned my decision to take Charly with me as many times as Mom has. It makes more sense to leave her with the doctors and therapists who know her so well and the grandma who loves her more than anything. I feel selfish taking her away from all of that.

But I’m her mom, and my mom-instincts are telling me that Charly needs to be with me as much as I need to be with her.

“Can I tell her goodbye, Hope?” Derek holds out his arms for Charly, and Mom reluctantly passes her to him.

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