Page 38 of Sinful Desires

“You’re still awake?”

The last thing I’d expected was to hear Aria’s soft, sleepy voice beside me. “You aren’t asleep?” I countered in surprise.

“Not right now.” She yawned, somehow managing to make it look adorable, rubbing a fist over her eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Go back to sleep.” I sat up, reaching for the foot of the bed and the duvet bunched up there. I shook it out, then spread it over her. “It seems I have a lot on my mind.”

“You know, you can talk to me about it.” She rolled onto her side, yawning but determined to stay awake. “I could tell you were deep in thought earlier at the party. You don’t have to hold everything inside.”

If only it were that simple—a matter of getting over my male pride and the stoicism that seemed to be bred in many of us. “Things have been busy with work. Nothing you need to worry about. I shouldn’t let it get to me while I’m in the company of others.”

“You’re only human,” she murmured. “It’s okay. And sometimes, my family can be a little overwhelming. Everybody has this long history and a million inside jokes. They all talk over each other, they bust balls. It’s a lot to take in.”

“It had nothing to do with that.” I wished it had. I could handle ballbusting. “I envy you that. Your family. That history. No one…”

What the fuck was I doing? I hadn’t intended to go down this winding, twisting path. She didn’t need to know, and I doubt she wanted to know about me. No one ever had.

“Go on,” she whispered. Her hand touched my chest, resting before she began tracing the outline of the lion’s head. “What made you get this?”

If anything, I was glad for the sudden change in subject. “It’s a symbol of strength. The king of the beasts.”

“That’s how you see yourself?” There was soft laughter in her voice and something else. Sexy, flirtatious. It stirred something in me and left me wanting to pull her close. For her to cling to me so I could hold her closer. What the hell was happening in my head? A simple party and I was untethered, uncertain of myself.

“That’s what I am,” I replied with a grin I didn’t feel.

“So what were you going to say before you cut yourself off?” She propped herself up on her elbow, her hair spilling over my shoulder while she gazed down at me. I had accused her of running away once. Now, that was all I wanted to do. To hide from her. It would have been too easy to confess everything. And that was all I longed to do.

All my life, I’d never had anyone to confide in. None of the close friendships Aria had known. The friendships her parents knew. I’d been isolated, if not consciously on my part, then as the result, being different from everyone else. Poor, hungry, and sometimes in dirty clothes until I was old enough to collect spare change from our apartment to pay for the laundromat.

I wanted to tell her. The words were there on the tip of my tongue, ready to spill over my lips. So many years. So much shame. Nobody understood that kind of shame. Not her, that I was certain. Being ashamed of something there was no control over. It wasn’t my fault Mom’s life turned out the way it had or that we had no money. There’d been no way for me to control any of it. Yet I had grown up feeling the need to apologize for being who I was or how I was—friendless, poor, no siblings, and a mother absent most of the time. She barely made ends meet even with all the work and the hours she’d spent away from me.

“It must’ve been nice for you,” I mused, stroking a strand of her hair and staring at it to avoid having to look at her and be seen. “Having all these people who cared about you. Knowing there was… a net. Something to catch you if you fell.”

“You didn’t have that?”

I shook my head. “Nowhere near it. You were right about it being overwhelming, but not for the reason you thought. They seem like good people.” For the most part. They weren’t what I’d expected, that was for certain. Aside from Magnus and Evelyn, I have lately found myself wishing I could be part of them—sitting back, having drinks, bullshitting about work and life, and creating memories together like we had in Vermont.

I would never be part of this because there was no scenario where this ends happily. It couldn’t. I had come too far.

She pressed her lips to my shoulder, lingering there for a long time before she kissed my cheek. “Why don’t we go to sleep now?” she whispered in my ear, running a hand through my hair.

“Right. We should.” I draped an arm around her, pulling her close. Her head rested on my shoulder, the sweet scent of her hair lingering in the air as I closed my eyes and reminded myself where all this had started. I’d come too far to turn back now.There were other women for me to turn to once this was over. I would build a life as soon as I’d avenged my mother’s.

If only I could make the timeline work. I went over it again, staring at the ceiling long after Aria fell asleep.

She could afford to sleep well. She would never understand what it meant to lie awake at night and question what she’d once believed was a fundamental truth.

But if I were wrong, that would mean my mother lied to me, fed me poison all my life, and turned me against the very people I was raised to despise. My whole world would be a lie.

17

ARIA

He was pulling away.

By Friday night, I could feel it after spending an entire day without a single word from him. Not that he’d sent more than a couple of texts on Thursday complaining about being busy. I was losing him, watching him slip through my fingers with no explanation.

Ridiculous. He never belonged to you.It didn’t matter how many times I’d told myself that in the last few days leading up to the gala. Granted, Mom kept me busy working with the event coordinator, double checking a few late RSVPs, confirming allergy requirements with the catering staff at the Saint Regis. It wasn’t as if I had a ton of time to spend with Miles or that I should have been spending time with him, anyway.

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