Page 45 of Westin

My heart pounds, but stronger is the shame.

Why?

Why do I feel so ashamed when someone else hurts me? I should be burning with rage. Instead, I’m trying to figure out how I can conceal what David did.

I swallow past the lump in my throat.

No one can know. I hate when my pain is exposed. It feels like rolling over and showing my belly to the world. I need it to be secret so I can lick my wounds in peace.

Downstairs, boots sound in the hall. The trucks start up again and fade away. I wash myself in the sink and dab the blood until it stops. Then, I cover it with a bandage and brush my hair over it.

My eyes are swollen, but otherwise, I look alright.

This complicates everything. I’ll have to conceal this from Westin, because if he sees a bruise on me, put there by David… Well, I don’t know what he’ll do. The darkness I hear in his voice sometimes promises he’s capable of violence.

I’m caught between two awful choices. I can tell Westin and accept whatever he decides to do, or I can make the responsible choice to hide this and help David save the farm from being bulldozed and paved over.

My heart aches.

I’ve never met anyone like Westin. Since Nana died, I’ve spent my life rusting away at Carter Farms. At first, I thought he was my way out, but after knowing him longer, I think what I feel is more complex and serious than I expected.

Yes, he could be my freedom. He could also be the first and last man I fall for.

I have to choose, but I’m not ready to.

Responsibility, or Westin?

Miserable, I go to the window and lean my forehead against the glass. Outside, the fields stretch out in a sea of gold. I grew up in this room. I know every knot and chip on the floorboards. I know exactly how the clouds form over the hills before a storm and how they form when they’re just rolling through.

I know the farm belongs to David legally, but I always saw myself raising my family here. I saw myself being carried over the front door by my husband. I saw years of breakfasts at the kitchen table and dinners on the back porch, faceless children running in the fields. A faceless man kisses me, smelling like sunshine and horses.

I’m dying to live like that—in charge of my own destiny. I want a home filled with only people I love. I want to sit at my own table come dinnertime.

But there’s no hope of that if we lose Carter Farms. It will be pavement, and no one will ever know how much I wanted to be happy here. All the love I want so badly will be just an echo, never brought to life.

There’s more hope if I do as David says.

That night, I lay on my side and let the tears flow until they soak my pillow. I hate everything, everything except Westin, and that makes me cry harder. In the dark, I decide I’m going to wait until I’m not bruised anymore and tell him about the access road. Maybe, by some miracle, he’ll pull a blank check out of his wallet.

There has to be a hope.

If I don’t have hope, I have nothing.

But I’ll wait until he can’t see what David did. He might be Westin, but he’s still a man. I don’t want to see what kind of violence he’s capable of.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

WESTIN

The pastures are rotated. The cattle and horses rest in the lower fields, surrounded by shade with access to the river. Everything is just maintenance until we start branding in the fall.

I’m restless because every time I go to see Diane; she has every excuse in the world as to why she can’t let me inside. Her face is worried all the time now, but she won’t tell me what’s going on.

It’s killing me.

Finally, one day when I know all the Garrisons and David Carter have gone to West Lancaster, I leave Sovereign Mountain. I’ve been patient with Diane, and I’ve never had much patience to start with.

Time to go get what’s mine.

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