I tried to think of all the court cases I used to watch on Judge Judy back when I was a kid and I was home sick from school. Could I ask the judge to recuse himself from my case on the grounds that he was already prejudiced against me since my lust-filled pear tarts had caused him to screw a knothole and get a splinter in his privates? I didn’t know and I was afraid that if I made a motion like that and it was denied, Grand Wizard Henkelman would get even angrier at me.
The elderly warlock went to the base of the extremely tall podium that dominated the room and began to climb. After a few minutes of audible huffing and puffing, he arrived at last at the top and settled himself on the judge’s bench. He reached into his long black judge’s robe and pulled out a tiny silver gavel which he tapped lightly on the podium.
It must have been magical because instead of the softtink-tink-tinkI expected, a loudBOOM! BOOM! BOOM!rang out across the shadowy courtroom.
“Now then, this court will come to order!” Grand Wizard Henkelman shouted, as though everyone was yelling instead of just standing quietly, watching him. “Bailiff—will you please state the case and read the charges?” he added.
“This is the case of the Ogre, Guglor Goremouth, who is suing the witch, Celia Hatch, for the unlawful theft of his property,” the loud, disembodied voice which had announced the judge in the first place said.
“I see. Yes, yes.” Grand Wizard Henkelman nodded importantly. “Well, attorneys—let’s hear the facts of the case! Councilor Heketate, you may speak first,” he added, looking down at the Ogre’s lawyer. “Please step forward and tell me what happened.”
“Thank you, Your Honor.” The Harpy stepped forward and shook out her wings with a rustle. “Here are the facts of the case. Yesterday, on the twenty-second day of September, the year of our Goddess two thousand and twenty four, this witch, Celia Hatch, trespassed on my client’s property?—”
“I didn’t trespass!” I exclaimed.
Grand Wizard Henkelman tapped his silver gavel again, which resulted in a loudBOOM-BOOM!and glared down at me.
“That will be quite enough of that! You may speak when you’re spoken to—not before!”
“But she’s lying!” I said desperately. “I never trespassed on anyone’s property—I was on a path that runs behind my house.”
“Enough!” Grand Wizard Henkelman pointed one long crooked finger at me. “I already know what a troublemaker you are, witch! You’ll get your turn to state your case. For now, be silent or I’ll charge you with Contempt of Court!”
I wasn’t sure what the penalty was for Contempt of Court in a magical court and I didn’t want to find out. Unhappily, I nodded and murmured,
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Good. Now maybe we can continue. Councilor Heketate?” he said, turning back to the Harpy lawyer.
“Thank you, Your Honor,” she said, fluffing her wings. “As I was saying, the witch, Celia Hatch, trespassed on my client’s property and proceeded to steal dozens of valuable and magical Golden-Skinned Warbler pears which she took from the tree that grows in his yard and made into tarts which she then sold for profit. My client is asking for fair compensation for the theft.”
“I see. What a heinous act!” Grand Wizard Henkelman declared, staring sternly at me. “Especiallysince we know she used those pears to make lust-filled tarts that forced unsuspecting persons into copulation with inanimate objects which resulted in great personal pain in their private areas!”
I wanted to groan—great, just great. So hehadgotten a splinter in his sausage. And it was clear he was going to hold it against me, even though it had been an accident.
“Please, Your Honor—” I began.
“Silence!” Grand Wizard Henkelman roared. “I’m ready to rule!”
“What? But you haven’t even heard my part yet!” I protested.
“All right—what have you to say for yourself, witch?” he demanded.
“What I said before—that the pears I took were on branches that hung over the path where I was walking,” I said. “I never climbed over the hedge and went onto Mr. er, Goremouth’s property. Also, I’ve been picking these pears for five years now and I’ve never even seen him around before—I thought the house he’s apparently living in was empty and deserted!”
I was hoping my explanation would clear my name but the head of The Council of Wisdom only glared harder.
“So, you not only admit to stealing the pears this year, you admit that you’ve been stealing them for the pastfiveyears as well?” he demanded. “This isoutrageous!”
Uh-oh—clearly I had just made things worse for myself. What could I do to save this situation? Nothing, apparently, because Grand Wizard Henkelman tapped with his gavel again—BOOM-BOOM!—and declared,
“I’ve heard enough! I’m ready to rule. Since the plaintiff has admitted to her guilt?—”
“Wait!” I exclaimed desperately.
“Howdareyou interrupt me in the middle of sentencing?” Henkelman shouted.
“Because…because…” I looked around the shadowy courtroom desperately and my eyes fastened on the Harpy lawyer. “Because I don’t have an attorney to speak for me!” I exclaimed, hoping against hope that this would work. “It’s not fair that the Ogre—Mr. Goremouth—has a lawyer and I don’t!”