Page 21 of Monsters of Desire and Nightmares of Passion

It’s dark outside and Ivy’s shift will start soon. I know her habits. I have fun playing with Powder. He sees me and hisses at me. Cats are weird little creatures. They live between the worlds and can see us, only sometimes they choose not to see us at all.

A part of me expects Draw to show up and explain how wrong I am and that I lack faith. Then it hit me. Draw rejected me. He and I will never have another argument, will never fight, and will never disagree. I’m all alone in all known dimensions.

Just as I was about to throw this epic potty party for myself my new charge moved in her sleep and her hand laid on one of my tendrils, and if I would have a heart, it would have melted, the trust she showed me, made me want to shield her again and again.

I miss Ivy. Now that I’ve fed and gotten my way, and now that my mind is not tormented by hunger, I can feel it. I miss her. I miss the way she looked at us. The dam broke and pain flowed over me like an avalanche. This is one of those moments when I wish I could cry, but I can’t. All I can feel is rage. Rage against them for taking Ivy away, for trying to kill her after they killed her entire family.

Mrez

I’m silent. I lost my ability to speak the moment Ivy forgot about us. But that doesn’t make me feel any less. Quite the contrary. I’m hit hard by the pain of separation. Draw did what he believed was best. However, I suffer for Khal. He’s part of me, of us, and I’ll be damned if I can’t find a way to fix this.

Draw fell into the hibernation we all succumb to when we don’t have an anchor. He does his best to conserve the little power he still has left. And me? I’m the youngest and need little energy to feed. Over the years, I learned to find ways to sip the energy I need from people here and there. Not much. Not enough to hurt them or allow me to achieve a bodily shape, just enough to keep going.

We’re shadows, the opposite of light. But we’re needed. It’s all part of the universe, of a larger plan, of bigger things that happen in our existence.

I must believe Ivy will return to us, even after what The Church of Light did.

If Draw heard me, he’d be ravenous. I’m the only one ready to acknowledge that we failed. We had to train Ivy, but we failed. They used magic on us, a spell that prevented us from telling Ivy certain words. All we could do was watch Ivy be afraid of her best friends. Her lovers. Her true family.

Ivy calls out to Draw, but he’s too far gone to hear her. I’m there, ready to do whatever it takes. I want to show myself to Ivy but losing Khal has weakened me so much I’m having a hard time staying lucid. My darkness sticks to Ivy and I float close to her, walking with her to the hospital like I have done so many times before. She is loved, even if the men who love her are not men but shadows, and monsters. What makes monstrous love less worthy than human love?

Why are my feelings for Ivy less valid?

I’ve been with Ivy since she was five. I’ve watched over each of her steps. I’m her best friend. I want to go back to that moment in time again.

Her scent drives me wild. I wish I could press her against the wall the way I used to, wrap her wrist into my dark tendrils, pin her arms over her head, and kiss her slowly. She loves to kiss. I’m the only one with a human mouth, even in true form.

I’m weaker than Draw and Khal, but does that make me less?

I don’t love Ivy any less. There’s nothing as horrible as the excruciating pain I experience looking into my love’s eyes and seeing she doesn’t recognize me. The spell The Church of Light cast on her did a thorough job. Maybe it was all the blood and distraction she witnessed. Maybe her mind refused to play and shut down.

I bit my lip, wishing Ivy would instead. I need pain, even if I’m not able to provoke it.

Ivy walks into the elevator. A man enters with her. He smiles and talks to her, but there is something wrong with him. He’s not right. He has a scent about him. I try to calm down and listen to what they say.

“I’m so glad to see you,” the man says.

“Hi, Dr. Martin.”

I’ve seen him before. My sole focus has always been on Ivy, and I ignored the doctor who worked there.

“I was worried about you. Isn’t it horrible about those young women getting killed so close to our hospital? I just talked to the police about it.”

My instinct told me that there was something so very wrong with him.

“Are the police asking questions?” asked Ivy.

“Yes. They’re in HR. They want to talk to you, too. Come on. I’ll walk you there.”

“Sure.” Ivy smiles. She trusts him. Sure, she trusts him. She has no idea what he is. How is it possible that a member of The Church of Light has been under our nose all the time, keeping an eye on Ivy? I want to scream. I want to wrap my hands around his neck and press the life out of him, but that’s impossible.

I’m only a shadow until my anchor believes in me again.

“Draw.” I yell with all the power I have left. Like a match that falls inside a deep well, nothing comes back. No reply. Nothing.

The man keeps talking to Ivy. I’m too weak to listen to the conversation and try to summon Draw again. My mind runs in circles. Smoke builds around it. I’m fucking useless.

The man smiles and, just for a second, I see the green eyes flicker with deception as he looks at her.

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