Page 115 of Johnathan

“He died in front of me. He died.”

“They got him back, Abby.” Her mom shuffled a deck of cards in her hands, smiling when three fell out on the table in front of her.

“Mom. You heard what the doctor said. Just because they brought him back doesn’t mean there won’t be complications. John did CPR, but we don’t know if he was deprived of oxygen for too long, or if there was permanent damage to his heart. Just because they got his heart back doesn’t mean he’s coming home with us soon. If at all. And for the love of God, please put those stupid cards away!”

Embarrassment burned Abby’s cheeks. John had called his parents on the ride up, and they’d gotten into their car and made the trip to be with her mom, too. It was so sweet of them, but now she was wishing they hadn’t. Her mom was too eccentric, especially during stressful situations. Abby found it surprising that her mother didn’t hysterically laugh or try to pull Nellie and Tom into a tarot reading of their own.

“The cards are telling me he’s going to be okay.”

“Why didn’t they tell you this was going to happen? Why didn’t they show you he needed to see a specialist because of what happened to Dad like I’ve been begging him to do for months? Can you please just be normal for this one moment?” Her voice was louder than she meant for it to be and several faces in the waiting room turned towards her.

“So like your father,” she whispered. “Abby, I’m sorry you don’t like this part of me. But this is who I am. It’s taken fifty-six years to be comfortable with myself, and I will not change now because I don’t conform to your ideas of how a mom should be. I love you so much, but I also love myself. It’s all going to be okay.”

“Your hippie-dippy bullshit doesn’t know that Sam’s going to be okay. My brother is in there, probably dying, and you don’t care! He’s worked himself into the ground to keep Dad’s legacygoing and what have you done? Planted a vegetable garden and consulted your crystals?”

“I care?—”

“Let’s take a walk.” John pressed his hand into the small of Abby’s back, breaking the rage bubbling up in her stomach. She felt awful as she watched Nellie sit next to her mom and hold her hand as they walked away.

She couldn’t say anything. Out in the hallway, John stopped and pulled her into a hug.

“We need to get something to eat,” he said after they’d taken a few breaths together.

“I can’t eat. I feel sick.” She rubbed at her temples, the dull ache growing more prominent with each passing moment.

“Then let’s get you some ginger ale and maybe some crackers. You can’t stop taking care of yourself. The last thing you need on top of all this is for a migraine to start.”

“I know you’re right. And I know I’m being a bitch. I just don’t understand why she’s not upset. How the hell did she stay so calm on the ride up here? It’s like she doesn’t understand what really happened. Why is she in there thinking some stupid paper cards are actually telling her the fate of her son!”

“They aren’t stupid cards to her, Abby. She’s finding comfort in something during probably the most stressful time in her life. Losing your father was terrible, but Sam is her child. The pain from that… I can’t imagine I’d be coping at all. You could give her just a little more grace.”

Abby batted away the tear that was filling her vision. “You should go be with Katy. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t even thinking. Did you call Jackson?”

“I called them when you and your mom were getting the first update. Katy is fine, and she’s excited about spending the night there. I’m not going anywhere, Abby, except to get you that soda and some crackers.”

“I want to go with you, but I don’t want to in case…”

“In case the doctor comes to give an update?”

“Right.”

“Okay. I’ll go to the cafeteria. Maybe it’s better if you sit out here and wait for me to come back. It’ll give you a little time to cool down from your mom.”

Abby sank down into the chair. “You’re right. I know I’m being ridiculous, I just… I haven’t been in a hospital since…”

John dropped onto his haunches, placing his hands on Abby’s hips. “Baby, I didn’t even think of that. Of course, being here is going to be upsetting for more than just what’s going on with Sam. That’s why you didn’t want to go to the hospital with your migraine? Or after the night at the bar?”

She nodded, hating herself for being so weak.

“I should have realized you were struggling with that. And now, on top of everything that happened with Sam. If you need a break, if you need to get out of here, just tell me and we’ll go.”

“I’m really fine. I don’t know why it’s all hitting me right now. I just remember the way the room smelled when I woke up. Antiseptic and overwhelmingly clean. I smell it now.”

“That’s why you’re nauseous.” It wasn’t a question. He understood.

Her adrenaline was wearing off. That familiar sensation of her stomach flipping, paired with the watering in her mouth, told her she was about to be sick. She pulled his hand off her leg, immediately missing the soothing effect his touch had on her.

“Excuse me.” Abby got up from her chair, her eyes frantically searching for a bathroom sign or a trash can. She spotted the illuminated sign two seconds later, and not a moment too soon as she began gagging.

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