I'm just terrified of what will happen when he finds out who I am and that I kept the truth from him - that I believe he is the father of my son. Secrets always come out in the end.
And, I can't hide the fact that I've got a son forever. He will find out.
Damion is running towards me with a proud grin on his face. He made friends with the goose, and you can see he is now the happiest little boy on the planet.
I stand up and scoop him into my arms as he reaches me, and he squeals with delight.
"The big duck my friend." He shouts and I spin him around tickling him.
"Does this big boy want a hot dog? The man over there is selling them and they smell fantastic? We can put mustard on it. Do you remember mustard, the yellow sauce that you like?"
"Mm. Popcorn please, Mommy." He replies with a serious expression.
"Damion, popcorn is not a lunch food. It will not give you any vitamins and minerals. It's not healthy. Do you remember we chatted about this already? You can choose a hotdog, or a burger, or…"
"Burga." He shouts and I breathe a sigh of relief. He can be a bit of a picky eater sometimes and when he gets a certain food in his head, it's hard to get him to want something else.
The last time I let him eat popcorn for lunch he wanted to eat it for breakfast lunch and dinner for a week straight. That was when he discovered chicken nuggets and we moved off the popcorn craze. I am not in the mood to kick it off again.
"Burgers it is." I sling him over my shoulder and start walking towards the food trucks.
I've been avoiding texting or calling Dan since our night in the mountains. I really want to talk to him. I just I need to atleast try to back off - a little. To calm my heart. Slow things down.
Because it's scary how much I am thinking about him and scary how much I am craving him.
I am on dangerous grounds with that man.
"Can we get two burgers please - one with no garnish?" I say to the man inside the food truck and Damion leans forward in my arms to see what is going on inside. I pull him back and hold him tight.
"Of course, here you go; you can swipe or pay cash."
I tap my card against the machine, then step back to wait for our order.
Damion is relaxed in my arms, tired after a fun morning.
I sigh. My thoughts drift back to Dan while we wait.
I'm also really worried about how many times I have to avoid answering his questions. I feel so guilty the entire time I am around him because I know I am not being honest with him and it's not fair.
That's why I should. If I was a decent person, I would choose to either stay away from him - or tell him the truth - at least about his son.
If I tell him about his son, then I have to tell him about why I left when I found out I was pregnant and why I've been scared to let him find out the truth.
Damn it. I can't tell him anything without telling him everything.
I've really gotten myself into some trouble here.
"Ma'am—" the man in the food truck bellows at me. I turn towards him. "Were you daydreaming?" He asks with a chuckle, handing me the burgers.
"Yes, sorry, I didn't hear you calling me at all."
Damion and I head over to the bench again where I unwrap his burger for him and he sits eating it, watching the ducks again.
I pick at mine, chewing slowly. I yawn, exhausted just from my thoughts.
That evening I am pacing around my apartment like an animal trapped in a cage. Damion is fast asleep, and I told myself I was going to just stay home - not go play cards - and not contact Dan. But I can't sit still, and I can't stop pacing and I am driving myself crazy.
So, I give in and call Clarissa. I am going to go to the casino - spend a little time playing cards - enough to clear my mind. Otherwise, I will get no sleep, and I will keep driving myself crazy.