Page 32 of The Pilot & the Athlete

“I had to focus on the party and greeting everybody, but I chased Darian down after. He was ticked at me, threw a couple wild punches. I let one connect to help him diffuse. He yelled at me that I was no friend of his and to leave him alone.” His jaw worked. He massaged it. “I left, hoping he could calm down and we’d talk later. Carrie was waiting at my house when I got home.”

“What? I thought Darian tried to chase her down at the park and she took off on a mountain bike.”

He nodded. “She biked on some of the trails and then went to my parents’ house.”

“The trail she died on was east of your parents’.”

“Yeah.” He blew out a breath. “She begged me to love her. I told her I didn’t; told her she shouldn’t break Darian’s heart. She promised she’d dump Darian to be with me. I told her we’d never be together, that I had no feelings for her, and if she dumped Darian it would be a huge mistake. She took off on the mountain bike. She was sobbing and a mess.” He hung his head. “I tried to call Darian, but he’d blocked my number. I should’ve followed her or tracked Darian down and told him where she was. I did nothing. I went inside and ate dinner with my family. I heard later that night that they found her body.” He passed a hand over his face. “I’ve blamed myself ever since.”

Shay’s stomach churned. She was trying to wrap her mind around this twist in the story and Paul’s part in it. “Why didn’t you tell anybody that you had a relationship with Carrie? That she came to your house and you rejected her? That you knew she was on a bike by herself and a crying mess, headed up a difficult trail at dusk?”

Paul shook his head, his dark eyes miserable. “I don’t know. I wish I could change all of it. I was embarrassed and confused. I didn’t want to ruin my friendship with Darian, but I did anyway. It was all a mess. I spent time with my family and then headed back to base. Should I have made a public announcement that we’d emailed and she threw herself at me and her death was ultimately my fault?” Paul didn’t ask in an upset way; he was honestly asking her take on the situation.

“You never told Darian any of this?”

He shook his head.

“You should’ve told him everything. Before you left.”

“I should have tracked him down, but I kept second guessing if it would have helped Darian to know the truth or made him more livid.”

Shay didn’t know. Would Darian be more angry that Carrie and Paul had emailed every day for a year, and that Paul knew she’d gone into the mountains by herself sobbing and a mess? Would it help her brother heal or just stir up more anger and blame at Paul? She honestly didn’t know.

“Later on, I told the sheriff, my parents, and two differentpastors about my involvement. They all told me it wasn’t my fault.” He shook his head. “I’ve tried to believe them. I’ve prayed for forgiveness and how to help Darian heal. Darian has blocked my phone and email address. If I ever get the chance to talk to him, I have a feeling it’ll make things worse, not better.”

An uneasy silence fell between them. Shay didn’t know what to do, what to think.

“I’m sorry, Shay,” Paul said. “I never wanted to hurt Darian, or Carrie for that matter.”

“I know,” she said, but it still didn’t take the anguish away. “Is this why you were trying to keep your distance from me?”

He nodded shortly. “It didn’t work. I want you to be my future, Shay, but I have no idea what that will look like. I don’t want to drive a wedge between you and Darian, and I don’t know if either of you can forgive me for what I did and for not sharing everything eleven years ago.”

Shay wanted to tell him he was her future too, but she was upset and needed some time to process. Darian’s entire life had been knocked off track by those events. She drew in a breath. “I need some time.”

It sounded lame.

“I understand,” Paul said. “I pray you can forgive me and I can make this right.”

She edged away from the couch and to the stairs. “Goodnight,” she murmured, not having any clue what else to say.

“Night.” Paul didn’t move. He watched her go with tortured eyes.

Shay turned and fled up the stairs. Tears wet her face. For Darian. For Carrie. For Paul. She’d always known her brother’s lost love was a tragedy, but it felt even worse now. If Paul hadn’t fostered such a deep relationship with Carrie … If he would’ve followed her on the mountain bike or told Darian where she’d gone, Carrie might have lived. Even if Darian and Carrie hadn’t married, it would still be a different world for everyone involved.

They couldn’t change the past, but sadly the past could still ruin the future.

Chapter

Twelve

Paul spent an absolutely miserable night.He finally tried to lay down and rest but was up before his alarm. He paced the loft area, waiting for Shay to wake up, anxious to see her and talk to her but worried she wouldn’t want to see or talk to him. He felt like a defendant awaiting the judge’s sentencing.

All the guilt had been dredged up again last night. It was worse seeing the shock and pain on Shay’s face. What he wouldn’t give to go back and never respond to Carrie’s emails and even more importantly change that day and stop her from leaving on the mountain bike or get word to Darian somehow to follow her. But he couldn’t. Nobody but his parents, the sheriff, his pastors, and now Shay knew about his regrets. Should he have told the entire town, forced Darian to listen to him? Taken all the blame and humiliation publicly? Would that have helped Darian or been more embarrassing for his former friend? Paul didn’t know.

He did know that he’d found reasons to not get into serious relationships in the past to avoid having the conversation he’d had last night. Paul wasn’t certain what it meant that the time he finally opened up was to Shay, Darian’s sister. Some would say it was karma or fate. It felt like the nightmare had come full circle. Maybe he, Darian, and Shay could move past it and heal. At the same time, any other woman he dated would’ve had an easier time dealing with such a confession.

He hung his head. He’d dated many impressive women, but nobody had broken through his barriers like Shay had easily done. He’d laid himself bare for her and he had no idea if she could love him with this standing between them. Darian wouldn’t accept him, and it could tear their family apart.

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