Page 90 of Ex Marks the Spot

“I thought we established that one as a negative.”

She breaks her hold long enough to press a finger to my lips. “Stay with me here.”

I lift my brows as if to say,Proceed.

“He became paralyzed, and I stayed home. Then I got stuck in a job I never wanted but couldn’t get out of and I went stir-crazy. I desperately needed to do something for me, so I went for the biggest, wildest thing I could find and auditioned for this show. Which means...”

She pauses to let me fill in the rest.

“Without that accident, none of this would be happening.”

CHAPTER 19

HARTLEY

Day 18—Netherlands

Standings after leg 9, Montenegro

1. Bombshells (Gianna and Alexis)

2. Wise Guys (DeAngelo and Big Mike)

3. Old Bay (Haylee and Kadeeja)

4. Us

5. Kick Asspen (Treva and Boyd)

If you’ve ever wondered how it feels to be in the team challenge for the semi-finals of the biggest international reality television show, try wearing uncomfortable suits, perfecting specific techniques for holding trays, and remembering eight sets of measurements.

Oh, and listening to the Wise Asses talk about Big Mike’s current bout of diarrhea and the travesty of their inability to find a McDonald’s in the last two legs. I can’t decide if I hope the editors keep that footage in to embarrass them or edit it out because literally no one needs or wants to hear about it.

Today’s challenge took us to a butler academy in the Netherlands. I’d never heard of such a thing, and after today, I hope never to hear of it again. Ibet in four months when this episode airs, I’ll still be having nightmares where everyone keeps shouting, “Head up! Back straight! Don’t forget to smile!”

“Wait, I think that one is supposed to be four centimeters,” I tell Court.

“But isn’t everything else two?”

“Except the dessert cutlery. I think.” I frown at the place setting as I try to picture the example down the hallway. And when I say down the hallway, I mean the hallway of a 135-room mansion that’s built like a square with a courtyard in the middle.

On its face, our challenge didn’t seem that bad: go to the butler academy, do an obstacle course with crystal stemware on a silver tray, and replicate a place setting for two.

In reality, crystal stemware has a unique relationship with gravity and would rather be in small pieces on the floor. And the example place setting, the dining room, and the storage room of dinnerware are at three separate corners of the mansion. One team member is the place setter while the other acts as the runner to retrieve items from the storage room.

I felt more comfortable being the runner just in case Court’s ankle decided to act up. I’ve probably run about two miles so far thanks to the other added challenge from our sadistic producers—the designs on the dinner plates are nearly identical and we can only bring out one design at a time.

As Court and I adjust the cutlery measurement, Big Mike sprints in from a bathroom-break-slash-storage-room run.

“How much you wanna bet he’s not washing his hands?” I mutter to Court.

“I guarantee he’s not.”

“Maybe I can accidentally trip and spill a bottle of hand sanitizer on him.”

“I’ll give you bonus points if you get it in his eye while you’re at it.”

I snort a laugh and lift my hand for the instructor. “Check, please!”

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