Page 79 of Before You Say Goodbye

They sat up talking until the sun had fully risen. Bowie only asked her one question about her transgression, and that was if his impotence had played any part in her infidelity. She lied and told him it hadn’t. He didn’t believe her, and he apologised. She begged him to stop. There was no cause at all for his apology, she said.

* * *

They were up before everyone else. Autumn hoped a cold shower might reduce the swelling in her face, but it didn’t. She’d have to come up with an excuse as to why she had quite clearly been crying.

“Tell them I was poorly all night?” Bowie suggested. He was eating cornflakes at the kitchen table and treating her as though nothing had happened, but she noticed that his eyes kept straying to the sofa. The carpet around it was still littered with the empty bottles of alcohol she and Marley had consumed between the two of them. It wasn’t hard for him to guess where their betrayal had taken place. She shook her head, telling him she felt uncomfortable blaming him for anything, in any way.

Autumn had hoped that Marley might stay in bed, out of the way, until the rest of the family was up and about, but he was thefirst to appear. Bowie and Autumn had discussed what he might say to his brother, but not in any great depth.

“I’d rather he never found out that I knew,” he’d said at the break of dawn. “He won’t be able to live with himself.”

“I don’t think I can be around him and pretend we have this ugly secret when we don’t.” Autumn winced.

“You do what you have to do.” He shrugged. “But you can tell him that if he comes to speak to me about it, I’m going to tell him exactly what I told you. I don’t want to talk about it. I want to pretend it never happened.”

Marley greeted Bowie with an affectionate pat on the back as he passed.

“Hey, bro,” he said casually. Autumn saw Bowie’s muscles tense.

“Bro,” he replied, in an even tone of voice.

Marley put the kettle on and grabbed a bowl from beside the sink. He sat down at the table and poured himself some cereal. He looked everywhere but at Autumn.

She’d barely been able to recall any of their encounter, but now that she was looking at him, she could remember it all: the strength of his erection in her hand, the pressure of his mouth against hers, the great sense of overwhelming release she’d felt when he’d entered her. She could see his face hovering above hers, his lips slightly parted, his eyes wide with lust and fear. She remembered the texture of his hair and the urgency with which he had complied when she had grabbed it and begged him to take her harder. How his deliciously strong frame had pounded her slight hips against the sofa cushions. She could hear the sound of ecstasy he’d made as he’d come inside her. She remembered how panicked she’d felt by the potential consequences of their desperation. Heartbreak and pregnancy. She didn’t know which was worse. She felt disgusted by the sight of him. She shut her eyes tight and focused on keeping her coffeedown. Marley looked questioningly at them both, breaking the silence.

“So, what are your plans for the day?”

Marley’s question was abrupt. Harsh. Unusual. If Bowie hadn’t already known, it would certainly have alerted him to something.

“Nothing much,” Bowie said. “I’m not feeling so good. I’ll probably need to sleep.”

“Oh.” Marley nodded. His eyes crawled over his brother’s face, then in Autumn’s direction and away again just as quickly. “How about you, Autumn?” he asked.

It was a valiant attempt at normality and she was grateful to him for trying. She tried to speak, but no response came. She cleared her throat.

“Writing,” she managed to say. It was a lie. There was no way she’d be able to focus on any work today. Luckily, she didn’t have much to do. She’d spent so many hours writing her manuscript while Bowie had been sleeping away the summer months that it was almost ready for submission.

“Cool,” he said, nodding and turning back to his breakfast. Bowie abandoned his cereal and excused himself to head back to bed. Autumn tried to follow but he asked her, gently, to leave him alone. As soon as he was gone, Marley dropped his spoon into his bowl with a clatter, hissing at her across the table.

“You’re making it totally obvious,” he whispered.

“He knows,” she told him.

* * *

“What the fuck, Autumn?” He screamed at her, hitting his hand against the trunk of a tree. Autumn jumped, impulsively stepping away from him, though she knew how he was feeling. She was so angry at herself and at Marley she wanted to rip the tree from the ground with her bare hands. She’d knownwhen he’d raised his voice in the kitchen and she’d dragged him outside to talk there instead that this was going to be a tense conversation. They’d stomped their way wordlessly through the field, straight to the spot where they’d happily rehearsed their medley together for so many hours.

“He knew,” Autumn said now. “He knew as soon as I said I’d been up with you.”

“Why didn’t you tell him he was wrong?” he said incredulously.

“I couldn’t lie to him,” she replied. He punched the bark again, then hid his face in his hands. Autumn wanted to ask him to stop hitting things. She wanted to tell him he was making her nervous. She knew no matter how angry he was he would be ashamed if she told him the physical manifestation of his anger was frightening her, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Perhaps it was because she knew this was half her fault. Maybe it was because she knew how hard she was having to work to stop herself from taking out her frustration on the things around her.

“You’ve ruined everything,” Marley said from behind his fingers. Autumn felt anger bubble up.

“I’veruined everything? I’m pretty sure there were two of us there.”

He shook his head and paced back and forth.

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