Page 64 of Before You Say Goodbye

“Me too,” said Pip.

That evening, they made a point of dragging their duvets and pillows into a corner of the lounge to prove they meant it. At around three in the morning, disturbed by their children’s raucous laughter, Emma and Ben joined them. Nobody slept. They stayed up talking until dawn broke and then went to bed and slept until noon.

“Maddie isn’t spoiled,” Autumn said now, putting her menu down and gesturing to the sweeter of the two Whittle sisters. Maddie acknowledged her remark with a grateful nod in her direction. Autumn, in turn, was glad to see that she was able to accept compliments now and then. She meant what she’d said. Maddie was one of the humblest, most honourable people Autumn had ever met. Having to accept her parents’ financial support was driving Maddie mad. She’d had nothing set aside when she’d handed in her notice to spend more time with Bowie because her salary would not allow her to save money as well as cover her costs of living. Autumn knew it was causing Maddie great discomfort to rely on Emma and Ben, and the allowance that they gave her. Most of it she kept set aside in a jar, swearing she would use it for something meaningful and life-changing instead of frittering it away like Marley and Bluebell did.

“I know how lucky I am,” she’d told Autumn one evening over a glass of wine. “Both in terms of the money we have but also how much our parents love us. Just because theycouldmake it possible for us not to work and spend time with Bowie, it doesn’t mean theyhadto. Do you know how many people die ontheir own in hospital because the people who love them can’t get time off work?”

Now, Maddie called the waitress over to them and ordered two portions of fries and another bottle of wine in an attempt to deflect attention away from herself.

“It’s true. Maddie is perfect.” Bluebell nodded, without the slightest hint of sarcasm. Bluebell and Maddie were about as different as sisters could be, but they loved each other very much.

“Nobody’s perfect.” Maddie blushed.

“You are,” Autumn said. “Perfect daughter. Perfect sister. Perfect friend.” Bowie, Autumn knew, had a special place for Maddie in his heart and was eternally thankful to have her. He was aware there weren’t many people who would do for him what she had tried to do the night he’d almost died. He often said she was the bravest and most selfless person in the Whittle family, and perhaps the most valiant person he’d ever met.

“Well, I think you’re all pretty impressive, to be honest.” Emma rescued her embarrassed daughter. “Autumn, the way you’ve loved my son these last few months has been really quite extraordinary.”

“I can’t help it.” Autumn poured herself more wine and avoided looking at any of them, blushing nonetheless. Aside from that night on the swing with Bluebell, Autumn and Bowie had never revealed verbally to any of them their love for one another, but it was pretty clear that the whole family knew how they felt and it made Autumn feel happy and uncomfortable all at once.

“He’s incredible.” She smiled shyly.

“Don’t do that.” Bluebell shook her head. “Don’t deflect from yourself. Mum is absolutely right. I can’t imagine how we would’ve got through this if you hadn’t been here for Bowie. And for us. You’ve made these last few months worth living for him.”

“It was a consequence of falling in love with him,” Autumn said, revealing her feelings only because she felt it was the only way to stop them insisting she’d done something special. “I’m not being a martyr.”

“That’s what makes it so incredible though,” Maddie said. “I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who would have allowed themselves to fall in love with someone facing what Bowie’s facing.”

Autumn shrugged off their words. She felt uncomfortable being the focus of their admiration but knew that the best way to get them to stop was to silently accept it. Protesting would only make them more insistent.

“And, Bluebell—” Emma reached out to touch her eldest daughter, but Bluebell snatched her hand away and shook her head.

“Don’t, Mum.”

Her words were defensive and thick with warning. There was suddenly an atmosphere again.

“No, I need to. We need to, darling, I’m sorry,” Emma said. Out of the corner of her eye, Autumn saw Maddie wince.

“I knew this was why you were doing all of this.” Bluebell put her head in her hands.

Emma sighed. “We can’t let Autumn go to that ball on Saturday night without telling her.”

“Do you really think Bowie is going to let anyone near her?” Bluebell spoke through her fingers. “He’d kill them first.”

“Bowie’s ill,” Emma replied.

“Marley isn’t, though,” Bluebell said hopefully. “He’s just as protective of her.”

Autumn switched her gaze back and forth between the two of them as they argued, willing Maddie to join forces with Bluebell and tell Emma it really wasn’t necessary for them to reveal to her whatever it was they were hiding, but Maddie stayed quietand that told Autumn everything she needed to know. Whatever it was, it was clearly important Autumn heard it, so she reached for her friend’s hand and squeezed. Bluebell stared down at the table, but her face softened a little at Autumn’s touch. She nodded slowly, then looked back up at her mum.

“Do you want me to do the talking?” Emma asked.

“Yes,” Bluebell said. Her voice sounded meek and afraid, and Autumn could feel Bluebell’s hands shaking in hers.

“OK, then,” Emma said gravely. She readied herself by smoothing her jumper with both hands and wore an expression that told Autumn she was about to share something it required her whole strength to say. Autumn had learned to feel afraid at the sight of this expression. It only ever came out when Bowie’s condition worsened, when her children argued and, most recently, when they’d told her that Miranda the chicken had died. Autumn braced herself for what was to come.

“Autumn, my love, our Bluebell is a survivor of sexual assault and grooming.”

It took everything Autumn had not to react instantly. She sat still, her eyes wide, and waited for Emma to continue to explain. She was unbearably enraged, but she knew Bluebell was crying beside her and that her anger wouldn’t be helpful.

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