Page 53 of Before You Say Goodbye

Autumn had not yet acknowledged that Bluebell’s lack of involvement that evening had not been panic or frozen trauma, but an attempt to protect Bowie’s wishes. Suddenly she knew why her friend had been unable to sit in his hospital room and listen to their family berate her sister for trying to do what Bowie had asked of them by letting him die. The words they’d hurled at Maddie might as well have been meant for Bluebell, too. Bowie nodded again, then looked at his mother. She was trying hard not to meet anyone’s eye.

“Mum?” She folded and unfolded her arms, swallowing anxiously and nervously shaking her head. Bowie sighed. “I need you to say it, Mum. I can’t stand the idea that they’ll be wrestling you off me. You have to accept that this is what I want. Please. Let me go.”

He stopped and stared up at the ceiling. He was blinking back frustrated tears. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again. I thought you were better than this.”

“Why can’t you just fight a little longer for us?” Emma whispered.

Bowie spoke through gritted teeth. “Because I don’t want to. And it’s my choice.”

“Bowie . . .” Ben said. Bowie waved his father’s warning away irritably, but relaxed his jaw.

“You have Autumn now,” Emma said. “Why can’t you fight for more time with her?”

Before Autumn could react, before she could tell them that Bowie in pain for longer on her behalf wasn’t what she wanted, Bowie protectively pulled her closer to him.

“That has nothing to do with anything,” he said. “I’ve had enough, Mum. I woke up in the night, knew what was coming, and locked myself in that bathroom, away from Autumn and everyone else, because I wanted to die. You must have known that, when you had to break down the door? I’m sick of being in pain. I’m tired of waiting for the next horrible thing I have to go through. Do you know what that’s like? Can you imagine how it feels to be constantly waiting for something traumatic to happen to you? You know it’s coming but you don’t know when, and there’s nothing you can do but hope it isn’t that really awful terrible thing you’d been dreading, that it’s something else instead. I was lying on that floor for what felt like hours and I was hurting everywhere but I was still relieved. I thought it was all about to be over. Now, because of you, I’m going to have to go through something horrendous again. I’m terrified all the time. I’m all on my own in this. None of you can go through it with me. At the end of the day, every time something happens, I’m the only one who really feels it. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

Emma lowered her head into her hands and sobbed. Marley and Ben wrapped their arms around her. Bowie gave them a minute for her to calm down. He let his head fall against Autumn, closing his eyes. Autumn thought he might fall asleep, but he rested there until he heard his mother’s cries quieten, and then he spoke again. This time, his voice was much softer.

“I want us to go back to the way things were between us when I thought you all knew how I feel and would do what I want when the time comes. I can only do that if I know everyone understands this time.” He opened his eyes and looked directly at Marley. “I need you to really, actually, understand — not just try to make me feel better.”

Marley nodded gravely. Autumn’s heart broke. She still felt as though Marley should be excused. His love for Bowie ran deeper than an ordinary sibling bond. Standing by and watching Bowie die would always be too much for him to cope with. It was too much to ask of him and she knew he would never be able to control himself when it came to Bowie. Autumn could tell that he truly believed it when he said he would let Bowie go, but she didn’t think it was true. Not for a second.

“OK,” Emma whispered, looking Bowie right in the eye. Tears were running off her jaw and into her lap, but she ignored them, her full attention on her oldest son. “Next time something happens, I swear, I’ll let you go, Bowie. I’ll let you go.”

* * *

Unlike other families, when the Whittles agreed to put something behind them, they really did put it behind them. The atmosphere got better almost immediately. Ben poured more wine for those who wanted it and the living room erupted into conversation. Marley and Emma moved to sit with Bowie, perching themselves on an arm each of his chair. Autumn got up to give them the space they needed. They both kissed him andstroked their hands over him as though they hadn’t seen him in months.

Autumn stepped out of the front door by herself, leaving him to his family. It was July and warm enough — even at nighttime — that she didn’t need to put on shoes or a jacket. She took herself to sit on the double swing at the bottom of the garden and rocked back and forth for close to an hour, staring absently at the discarded towel she’d thrown on the lawn earlier. She felt cool, but her skin was hot to the touch, anxiety bubbling beneath the surface. She was still a nervous wreck.

She heard the door open and shut and recognised Bluebell’s delicate form on the porch, her pretty eyes peering out into the dark, searching for her. Autumn waved.

“I bet you regret the day you ever met me,” Bluebell said, sitting down beside her. Autumn laughed. She would have said the same if she were her.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” she said. It was all so hard, but so worth it. Bluebell held her hand out to Autumn, and the two friends, so different than they had been just a few months ago, worlds away from the party girls who had fallen into platonic love, interlaced their fingers, resting their foreheads together. They had barely spoken for weeks. Autumn had missed her.

“You’re my family,” she murmured.

“We are.” Bluebell smiled. “I don’t know how you’re doing this. I don’t even know how we’re doing it and we’re tied to him.”

“I love him,” Autumn said.

“Naw, now that’s a loser thing to say,” Bluebell said teasingly. Autumn laughed again. It felt good to admit her feelings to her friend. She and Bowie had not said those words to one another since the first time over breakfast in the café, but how Autumn felt about him had not changed. If anything, they’d become even closer throughout his ordeal. She loved himmore now than ever. Bowie was her darling, her sweetheart, her whole heart, he was everything to her. She stopped short of revealing quite that much detail to Bluebell, though. There were some things a sister didn’t need to know. A comfortable silence fell between the two of them. They rocked the swing together. Apart from the tiny squeak it made each time it reached the top, the garden was silent. Autumn felt the sweet call of slumber and nodded off for a moment.

“You don’t hate my mum, do you?” Bluebell asked Autumn, shattering her peace and making her gasp.

“Why on earth would you ever think that?”

“I don’t. She does. Mum’s worried that you’re upset because of what they did to Bowie.”

Autumn pondered. She was upset with them all, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t see why they’d done what they had. She certainly didn’t hate them for it. Perhaps she’d been a little preoccupied and detached from them these past couple of weeks. She could see how that might look.

“I have been cold, haven’t I?” she asked. Bluebell nodded. “I’m sorry. I’ll make it right.”

“It’s difficult, isn’t it?” Bluebell said. “Because what they actually did was save his life. That’s usually a good thing.”

“Apart from the fact that he doesn’t want to live anymore,” Autumn said. Her words sounded sterner than she’d meant them to, and she realised she was disappointed that Bluebell was defending their parents. She had hoped they agreed on this. It had given her relief.

---