Page 49 of Before You Say Goodbye

Emma was sitting across from her, holding Bowie’s other hand lovingly to her face. The others were all there: Ben, sittingwith his back against the wall beside Pip, who was asleep on his father’s shoulder. Maddie, who was staring out of the window, and Bluebell, who was dozing in the foetal position on an ugly blue sofa. Marley was sitting at the end of the bed. Autumn was sure he hadn’t taken his eyes off Bowie since they’d all been allowed into his room a few hours earlier. The medical team had stabilised his condition but — with no idea how long he’d been lying on the bathroom floor — they couldn’t be sure when he would wake up, or what sort of state he might be in when he did.

Autumn reached across the bed to touch Emma’s wrist. She was crying quietly, her tears dripping onto the palm of Bowie’s hand.

“He squeezed my hand earlier,” she said.

At the sound of their mother’s voice, Bluebell and Pip opened their eyes. They searched Autumn’s face for any hint of a change in Bowie’s condition. Marley answered for her with a shake of his head. There had been none. Despite Emma’s insistence that her son had moved, Bowie was still unconscious. He was covered in deep purple bruises and was being closely monitored for signs of internal bleeding, a significant risk for someone with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. The CPR he had been given in an attempt to save him could in fact kill him. It was an instance of irony Autumn did not want to consider too carefully.

“You need to get some sleep, Mum,” Bluebell said. Autumn looked at the clock. It was midday.

“I’m not going anywhere until he wakes up,” Emma retorted.

“Ifhe wakes up,” Maddie muttered.

Emma’s gaze was suddenly steely. She homed in on her daughter. “Maddie, Bowie doesn’t need your negative attitude. What he needs is positivity and love from us now.”

“He needs us all to do what he asked us to do,” Maddie said, her voice cracking under the weight of Emma’s glare.

Marley stood up, stepping in between them.

“What do you want us to do, Maddie? Rip his fucking breathing tube out?”

Maddie’s eyes darted to her poorly brother. She started to cry.

“Now isn’t the time, sweetheart.” Ben pulled her into a hug. She sobbed into his chest.

“I love him just as much as you do,” she said. “But what you’ve done here is wrong.”

“So why are you here,” Marley hissed. “If you want him to die?”

“I don’t want him to fucking die.” Maddie raged at her brother. “I want you to respect his wishes as a human being who knows his own mind.”

Emma’s eyes were back on Bowie.

“Stop it. You’ll upset him.”

“He’sdead, Mum.” Maddie sobbed.

Pip raised his hands to his ears to block out his sister’s words. “Shut up, Maddie, for fuck’s sake!”

“You need to come to terms with it . . .”

Marley moved in his sister’s direction in such a way Autumn felt compelled to hold him back. She wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but the last thing they needed was to be kicked out of the hospital. Bowie would be frightened if he woke up on his own. If he woke up at all. Autumn watched Maddie for a moment. She was already mourning him, Autumn knew.

“Calm down,” she whispered to Marley. She felt him soften beneath her grip. He was still staring at his sister.

Maddie tore her gaze from his and spoke again.

“This is uncomfortable for everyone, but he’s been in pain for years. He’s tired of it all. And I haven’t said this to him, or to any of you, but I do think the lymphoma is spreading to his brain. I’m sorry, but I do. His head is getting more and more fuzzy. His headaches are getting worse, he’s forgetting words.If he wakes up, you’ve confined him to an existence he never wanted for himself.”

“Stop.” Marley pleaded with his sister. “I can’t stand it, Maddie. I’ll jump out of the fucking window, I swear.”

Bluebell stood up and left the room. There was no sense of urgency. She opened the door and walked out without a word, as though she were getting up off the sofa at home to get a drink from the kitchen. She looked almost catatonic. Autumn thought about following her, but couldn’t bear to leave Bowie.

“I can’t just let him die,” Emma whispered, placing the palm of his hand on her cheek again, as though he were cupping her face the way he sometimes did. She closed her eyes and laid her head on Bowie’s shoulder, crying silent tears.

* * *

When Bowie woke up two days later, Autumn saw the exact moment he realised — to his horror — he was still alive. She saw the pain in his eyes when he registered his family had gone against his wishes. She didn’t know whether to be devastated for him or relieved his reaction was an encouraging sign of his cognitive function. He accused his family — one by one — with his stony gaze. When he met his mother’s watchful eyes, a tear ran down his face. Emma brushed it away.

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