Page 45 of Before You Say Goodbye

“Sure.”

“Do you promise not to think I’m neurotic?”

“Promise.”

“When we first met, you told me you’d never slept with a woman like me before. You said I was flawless or something like that. I really liked you, so I don’t think I’ve ever felt so good about myself in all my life. Now I’ve met Clara, it feels as though you lied to me. She’s perfect. Stunningly beautiful. Suddenly, I don’t feel so confident that I’m the most beautiful woman you’ve ever been with. That would have been fine if you’d never implied it, but you did. I’m afraid that you flattered me to get me into bed.”

Autumn became suddenly tearful. Bowie looked close to tears himself. He moved his chair alongside hers and put his arm around her shoulders. She waited for him to answer, but he didn’t. She knew he was thinking carefully about whatever it was he wanted to say to her, but she couldn’t bear the silence.

“I know that this all sounds ridiculous and I hate myself for feeling this way, but you’re the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, Bowie. You were this wonderful surprise. I never expected it. But we haven’t known each other for very long. For all I know, you could really be the type of man who punches walls and talks shit to get women to sleep with you. It frightens me.”

“That isn’t who I am, Autumn.” He rested his forehead against hers. He was panicking, she could tell. Every feeling she’d associated with Bowie until now had been warm and fuzzy. Bowie liked that. He loved that she loved the type of man he was. She knew he’d be afraid his reputation with her might be in jeopardy, but she had to get it off her chest. She wanted to know he really was who he said he was. He stared straight into her face.

“When I said I’d never slept with a woman like you before, I didn’t only mean that you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen — which you are, by the way — but that I’d never been with anyone like you in any way. I’d never been with anyone with a mind that works like yours, or who makes me laugh the way you do, or any of the other countless things I loved about you that night. And still love about you. You were smart and funny and kind and curious in bed, and totally in control of yourself. I was totally overwhelmed by your appearance in my life and the consequences of your timing. You marched into my world and blew it up completely. I was afraid to do or say anything that might make you go away. That’s why I stopped to tell you about my scar. I was telling you the truth about that too, by the way. I usually do keep my top on when I have sex. You can ask Clara if you like, although she may think it’s a little weird. But with you, I felt completely at ease. Like we’d done that before, or something. Like you wouldn’t be frightened away by them because you’d already seen them, I guess. Like you were already a part of me,of this. I’m not as good with spoken words as you are — I can’t describe it properly. I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I was inexperienced. I’m a straight man who works in theatre. There’s no shortage of attractive women looking for men like me. I like sex, that’s the ugly truth of it. I’ve slept with lots of women, enough of them to know you’re the only one I’ve ever been able to reveal myself to completely, physically and emotionally.”

She was ashamed she’d chalked the depth of his comment that night down to her appearance only. She felt like she should apologise, but didn’t know how to apologise in the middle of an apology.

“I think you’re pretty good with words,” she said instead.

He tilted her chin up to look at him and wiped away her tears with his thumb. She smiled and saw his features flood with relief. He stared deep into her eyes.

“I could tell you I’m in love with you,” he murmured. “But I’ve never said that to anyone before and I certainly didn’t want to say it to you for the first time as the crescendo to a conversation like this. I had other plans. More romantic ones. But I do. I love you. So, can I say it, then can we pretend this isn’t the first time I’ve told you? Save the real declaration for a happier day?”

She smiled, nodding her head.

“I love you, Autumn,” he said.

She kissed him.

“I love you, too,” she said.

Chapter 9

The theatre was empty when they arrived. Autumn dialled Marley’s number, but his mobile phone rang out from underneath their seats. He’d obviously dropped it the evening before. They picked it up. He had thirteen text messages, mostly from women in his contact list. When he finally arrived, he was with Hannah. She was holding his hand. Bowie rolled his eyes, but waited until Hannah excused herself to go to the toilet before he scolded his brother.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” he said.

“Why?” Marley asked defensively. “She knows there’s no strings.”

“You told her that before.”

“She knows this time,” Marley said.

The cast and crew piled in shortly afterwards. Autumn was thrilled when both Phil and Clara greeted her with warm hugs. She liked them. They were open and friendly, and they really cared about Bowie. They were constantly asking him if he needed a break or if they could get anything for him. Autumn was glad to know he had people out there besides his family keen to take care of him.

She offered to pick up coffee and pastries so they could get started straight away. Bowie was anxious, and she figured satiating the cast and therefore hurrying the process was the best thing she could do to help. She knew why he was nervous. He and Marley had written new parts for almost every cast member, and some of the actors were looking more enthusiastic about learning the number than others. Bowie tried to encourage them with gentle and inspiring words. He sat front and centre on the stage, watching closely to see what wasn’t working so well and making corrections with good-natured encouragement. Marley moved from seat to seat around thetheatre, watching each performance from the perspective of the audience. For quite some time, the whole thing was in total disarray. By mid-afternoon, the twins were almost hoarse from shouting.

“Sing the right fucking words!” Marley yelled, over and over again.

At times, it was painful to watch. There was a very obvious difference in the level of enthusiasm being shown by the members of the cast who were throwing themselves into it wholeheartedly and those that weren’t. Bowie and Marley pleaded repeatedly with three unenthused actors to give it all they had, but they did not want to get on board. At first, Autumn couldn’t work out why, but their attitudes towards Marley made it obvious eventually. They didn’t like him. Marley seemed to know.

“Maybe they’ll pull together when Marley isn’t here?” Larry said to Bowie.

“Sack them,” Marley hissed. “They’re supposed to be professionals, here to do a job. They’re dragging everyone down.”

“I preview tomorrow,” Larry said.

“You only need to replace the ringleader.” Marley pointed at a tall man with curly hair.

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