Page 36 of Before You Say Goodbye

“I mean, within certain limits, obviously. But, basically, her reasoning is that those who are crying for help should besignposted to the right support, but someone who really wants to end it should have the freedom to choose for themselves. Even helped, in some situations.”

“What situations?” Autumn asked, wishing, instantly, that she hadn’t.

“Mine, I guess,” Bowie said.

Autumn considered his words before responding.

“I support euthanasia for the terminally ill, but what about people with manic depression? I don’t think you can ever really know that someone wouldn’t recover with the right support.”

“I’d like the opportunity to decide when I’ve had enough. I hate begging people to kill me. It’s very undignified.”

She winced. She’d spent a lot of time dreading the day Bowie might ask her to do the unthinkable, ever since Emma had mentioned it on the night she’d met his family for the first time. She’d found out later that had happened because Bowie had been experiencing extremely bad bone pain for several days and — in an exhausted, confused and dehydrated state — had convinced himself cancer had spread to his brain and had panicked. He seemed to sense her concern.

“If I asked her to, I know Maddie would help me,” he said.

Autumn reeled. “She could get in serious trouble for that.”

“I’d have to be one hundred percent sure that wouldn’t happen before I’d allow it,” he said.

Autumn didn’t have to ask about expensive clinics in Switzerland. The Whittles would never give him their blessing to go and he would never cause them the pain that would come with sneaking away, or put them through the inevitable desperation they would feel to chase and stop him.

“What about Marley?” Autumn asked, instead. “Will Maddie help him kill himself when you’re gone?”

Bowie dragged sadly from his cigarette and sighed. Despite lengthy conversations about trivial things and existentialmatters, she and Bowie had never spoken about Marley’s intention to take his own life. The entire family seemed to think ignoring the issue was the best way to deal with it. Autumn felt like someone should be talking to Marley about it, but every time she mentioned it to any of the others they politely shrugged her off, and she didn’t feel she knew Marley well enough to broach the topic directly with him herself.

“Probably. I don’t know. I think these things are easy to say but, when it comes to it, I think it would be harder than she imagines. Helping me is different. I’m dying anyway. But Marley . . .”

Autumn was irritated by his flippancy. She wanted him to be distraught. She cut him off. “Marley will get over you,” she said.

Bowie shook his head.

“Hewill, Bowie. Things won’t ever be the same for him, I know. But given the right time and the right support, Marley will get through it.”

“Iwould never, ever get over it, if Marley died. Never. I can’t imagine my life without him. There is no life without him.”

“You would,” Autumn said insistently. He stared at her.

“Marley is more than just my brother and my best friend, he’s the other half of me. Long before I was diagnosed with cancer, when we were kids, we used to talk about what we would do if anything happened to either of us all the time, because we were absolutely terrified about one of us dying and leaving the other. We’ve never wanted to live without each other.”

“But he has so much to live for.”

“It doesn’t matter what he has.” Bowie shook his head. “You know how much I love the rest of my family, but how I feel about them doesn’t even come close to how I feel about Marley. I would sacrifice any one of them to protect my brother. That might be an ugly thing to say, but it’s true. I can’t explain it. Icould cope with anything, absolutely anything life has to throw at me, but not losing Marley.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Autumn shook her head, exasperated. “I don’t know how you can . . .”

“You don’t know because you’re not us.” She was stung by his suddenly harsh tone, but he did have a point. She had no real right to tell him what he and Marley could and couldn’t cope with. She watched his face flood with remorse. “I’m sorry.” He sighed.

“It’s all right,” she said.

“No, it’s not.” He shook his head. “The others don’t bother anymore because they already know all of this, but you don’t. How could you? You’re brand new here. It feels like I’ve known you so long that I forget that sometimes.”

She knew he was trying to end the conversation. She knew he expected her to stop. But she couldn’t. Words were Autumn’s way of working out the world and she needed to know more.

“What if Bluebell told you she was going to kill herself when you were gone?” she asked.

“I’d get on my knees and beg her not to do it.”

“Have you done the same to Marley?”

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