Page 27 of Before You Say Goodbye

“Don’t start!” Emma held a hand up to each of them. They ignored her and braced for battle, squaring their shoulders towards each other.

“Get over yourself.” Maddie glared at Marley. “Just because you shared a womb at the same time you think Bowie can do no wrong?”

Bowie tried to interject. “Maddie—”

“You have no idea what we’re going through.” Marley shook his head at their sister.

Bowie tried again. “Marley—”

“This isn’t happening toyou.” Maddie stood. Marley followed.

“Exactly.” He threw his hands in the air. “It’s happening to Bowie. So shut up and let him live his life.”

“You think you’re the only one who loves him,” Maddie said, incredulous.

“I love him more than you do.”

“What a load of shit—”

“Stop it right now!” Ben stood, glaring between his children.

Autumn had covered her mouth with her hand. Her eyes searched for Bluebell’s. Her friend smiled sadly at her and Autumn knew then that these kinds of arguments over Bowie and what was best for him were common in the Whittle household.

Bluebell addressed her mum and dad.

“As much as it pains me to ever agree with Marley, I’m going to stick up for the twins. Bowie has been miserable for such a long time. Autumn could make him happy. She’s strong and smart, and she knows that this isn’t going to be easy. She isn’t someone who will go along with anything she isn’t comfortable with. If it gets too much, she’ll be the first to say, won’t you, Autumn? If she can give Bowie some happiness, isn’t that all that should matter?”

Pip began to applaud his sister, but stopped abruptly when Ben and Emma glared in his direction. His eyes darted purposefully and comedically left and right. Bowie and Marley smirked at each other, and the tension was broken. Autumn had to fight hard to stop herself laughing out loud. Composing herself, she asked if she could speak. Emma nodded, smiling weakly. She was already defeated, and she knew it.

“I don’t want to be rude, but Bowie and I are both adults. We’ve made this decision together and, to be honest, I can’t see why it should involve any of you.”

Whatever it was they’d expected her to say, it clearly hadn’t been that. Autumn had surprised herself, in fact. She’d intended to make a declaration of her commitment to Bowie, even though she couldn’t quite see the point. She wanted to be with him, and he with her. A family fallout about it was a waste of time that they didn’t have the luxury of. She hoped that they would find her audacity endearing. Ben certainly seemed to. He raised an eyebrow at Bowie, a smile twitching at the corners of his lips. Emma cleared her throat, turning to Autumn.

“Well, young lady. It has been a long time since my children brought an individual with your dauntlessness to meet us. You’re right. You’re fully grown adults. There is nothing I can do to stop you if you want to be with my son and he wants to be with you. But, I warn you, the next few months are going to be horrendous. We’ve fought for years to keep Bowie alive. It’s incomprehensible to us that he isn’t going to survive this.”

Emma stopped talking and grabbed Ben’s hand. Maddie’s eyes filled with tears. She excused herself to Autumn, brushing away the comforting hands of Bluebell and Pip as she left the room, wiping tears from her face as she went. Marley watched her go, his face fraught with guilt. So far they’d seemed to be coping so well, but their heartbreak was palpable now. Autumn moved to speak, to apologise, but Bowie shook his head. Eventually, Emma continued, her voice cracking.

“I don’t imagine anyone you love has ever asked you to kill them, have they, Autumn?”

Autumn murmured a no. Bowie rubbed his hand nervously across his face.

“We sat around Bowie’s bed three weeks ago during a particularly bad pain episode and argued about fulfilling his wish and putting him out of his misery. That’s what we’re dealing with. If you want to be with him while we face this, we’ll need you to be part of those conversations without feeling like there’s a stranger in the room. You are going to need to throw yourself wholeheartedly into this family as though you’ve always been here. You’ll need to be honest with us about your feelings and your thoughts, even when you know we won’t want to hear what you have to say. That’s the only way we’ll be able to include you in what we’re facing. If you think you can do that, I’ll accept you as one of our own, because if you are going to go through this with us, that’s how we’ll need it to be.”

Bowie held her hand tighter beneath the table. Autumn knew he was unafraid to hear her answer. Her feelings for him were entirely beyond her control. There was no way that she could conceive of him — or Bluebell — facing this without her.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she said.

* * *

They accepted her words and, at Bowie’s request, moved the conversation on. Marley left the table to find Maddie and came back into the room a moment later holding her hand. She mouthed an apology to Autumn across the table. Autumn waved it away. Nobody managed to finish their lunch, but Emma made sure they knew they’d find it in the fridge when they got peckish later on.

“And you will be eating later,” she told Bowie sternly.

The living room, with its ivory gold wallpaper and hardwood floors, took Autumn’s breath away. Colourful throws, textured rugs and soft cushions were scattered artfully and invitingly, and the floor-to-ceiling window overlooked the city from a breathtaking height.

“Your home is beautiful,” Autumn told Emma.

“Thank you. We don’t like it so much, actually. It’s so impersonal. It belongs to a friend of ours. We’re just staying here while we’re in New York. We prefer our own home.”

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