Page 104 of Before You Say Goodbye

“He had no idea how it would happen, I suppose,” Ben said. “But I’d say he achieved his objective, even if it wasn’t in the way he’d intended.”

“That’s the most fucked-up thing I think I’ve ever heard,” Marley said.

Autumn could barely believe her ears. She’d known Bowie had died believing she’d fallen in love with Marley, but she could never have guessed he’d wanted them to be together with such single-minded and selfless conviction. That was why he’d been able to forgive their betrayal of him so readily. He’d felt responsible, in part, for orchestrating a sequence of events that had contributed to it happening. Autumn found herself sobbing uncontrollably. Marley put his arm around her, kissing her on her head.

“I have something to add to that,” said Bluebell, her voice meek with shame. Autumn couldn’t bring herself to look at her friend, but she felt Marley move to give his sister his attention. “He said the same to me.”

“And me,” Maddie added. All eyes turned to Pip. He nodded, swallowing hard.

“So, who are we to rage against something Bowie wanted for you both?” Ben said. “How can we go against what he asked of us, when he’s the only victim here, and he wanted it for you more than anyone else?”

Autumn felt sadder for Bowie than she ever had. She wished she could’ve been his more devotedly. He’d deserved more from her than she had given him. Even now, even in this circumstance, she knew Bowie’s heart was so incredibly pure, and his love for her and Marley so endlessly deep, he’d be happy they’d created a little person they loved so much.

“Well . . .” Marley paused. “God, I don’t know what to say.”

“None of this excuses what you’ve done,” Pip said. “You should have kept your dick in your pants, Marley.”

“I know that.” Marley nodded.

“You didn’t deserve Bowie,” Pip continued. “Either of you.”

“None of us did,” Maddie said. “He was the best of us.”

They sat in contemplative silence, crying with varying degrees of violence. Autumn held on to Marley and allowed herself, for the first time in a while, to pretend he was Bowie. He rocked her backwards and forwards, the way Bowie used to, and she was fairly sure he knew what he was doing. She let him comfort her, despite the watchful eyes of his disappointed family. She didn’t care what they thought anymore. She knew what Bowie had thought and that was all that mattered to her.

* * *

They agreed to stay, though Autumn was quite sure they didn’t want her there anymore. She retired to her bedroom early and let them talk as a family, trying not to pine for Marley by distracting herself with some reading. It was after midnightbefore he came to bed. He forfeited his own mattress without invitation, throwing himself on hers instead.

“Hey,” he said softly.

“Hello.” She smiled sadly.

“Are you OK?”

“Not really. Are you?”

“Not really.” He shook his head. “They’ve calmed down, but they’ll never look at either of us in the same way again.”

“We knew it would be ugly.”

“I know.” He sighed. “How’s Benjamin?”

“He’s just had a feed.” She closed her eyes. “He’s apparently oblivious.”

“Good.” Marley sighed again. “Do you want to talk?”

“About this?” she asked. “Not really, but I will if you want to.”

“Let’s do it another day?”

Autumn nodded. She knew what he wanted to talk about and she didn’t know what to say. Things had been weird between them for a while and Emma’s revelation of Bowie’s wishes had confused her further. Bowie had been gone for fourteen months and Autumn had not shared a single sexual experience with anyone since her unsatisfying and unpleasant encounter with the coffee barista in her apartment a month after Bowie’s death. Recently, she’d found herself beginning to feel things she was uncomfortable feeling whenever she was lonely and longed for someone’s touch. Marley was featuring in her fantasies more often than he was not. Her feelings for him left Autumn confused and bewildered. She couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell anyone.

“I think I should move out,” she said into the silence. Marley, who had been snoring softly, snapped to attention.

“What? Why?”

“Because they’ll never forgive me,” she said. “Or you, if I’m here reminding them of what we did every single day.”

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