Page 98 of Before You Say Goodbye

“It isn’t.” He shook his head. “I can feel it.”

* * *

Autumn’s baby boy decided to arrive a month early. Nobody was surprised by his prematurity. He’d already shown them that he had a real attitude problem by giving her endless complications. At times, it had felt as though he hadn’t been sure that coming into the world was what he wanted to do after all. That had been sheer torture for Autumn. From the moment she’d made the decision to keep him in that dingy hospital canteen that night, she’d wanted him with a ferocity that was terrifying. She was already so overprotective and irrationally cautious that she’d spent the last six months of her pregnancy traipsing to and from the hospital, sometimes because there was blood in her knickers, sometimes because he’d not made a single movement for more than twenty-four hours, sometimes because she just ‘had a feeling’. Everything had always checked out fine. Still, she’d wondered if she might deserve to lose him. What if the universe was against his existence? What if he too was taken from her now? She’d chewed herself up about it every single day. Luckily, Marley had become her main source of strength. He’d worked tirelessly to help her to keep calm, though he had later dared to admit, once the baby was swaddled safely in his arms, that he’d been seized by the same fears.

Labour was nothing like she’d thought it would be. She’d expected everybody to jump into action the second she told them she had a contraction, but they hadn’t believed her. For an entire afternoon, she’d felt like the lead character in a horror movie as she tried desperately to alert everyone to a lurking danger, but nobody would listen. It was too early, they’d said, sure that overcautious Autumn was overreacting after so many false alarms. With more than four weeks until she was due, everyone seemed adamant that this was just another mini drama.

It was Maddie who believed her in the end. She implored her family across the dinner table to pay attention to Autumn, who was plainly terrified and had been struggling through labour pains all day. Emma told Autumn she was sorry she hadn’t listened to her earlier, and bundled her and Marley into her car. The others all wanted to wait at the hospital, but Autumn asked them not to come. They were all disappointed, but Ben, in particular, was noticeably crestfallen.

Autumn and Ben had grown even closer than before. She felt as though he was pouring all of the love he had for Bowie into Autumn and her unborn baby. The depth of his fatherly love was helping Autumn to heal. The little things he did mattered the most to her, things her own father had never considered important. Knowing how old she was without having to check, asking her how her writing was coming along, and talking to her about articles he’d read that he knew would interest her. She had never been sure what it was she was yearning for when it came to her own father because he had never really given her anything much at all, but now she realised that all she’d ever wanted was for him to take an interest in her as a person. That would have been enough. Ben had promised her more than once that she would never want for fatherly affection or support again. He had adopted her into his heart, in the same way he’d adopted Bowie, Marley and Bluebell.

None of that meant she wanted him to be there when she pushed a baby out of her vagina. Emma would be there, but that was different; she was a woman and she’d been through this. Autumn needed her. She wasn’t particularly thrilled about Marley being there, but as he might well be the father of her child, she told herself he should be, even though his presence made her feel self-conscious.

“I need a bra,” she told Emma as they rushed through hospital corridors. Her heavy breasts flapped uncomfortably as they hurried and she was anxious about being topless in labour because of Marley.

“Let’s have the baby first, Autumn,” Emma said.

“I’m going to need one though,” Autumn said. “I can’t do this without one. Please.”

“Marley, can you go home and get Autumn a bra?” Emma asked her son. He looked mortified by his mother’s suggestion. “Or maybe you could nip to the twenty-four-hour supermarket and buy her one? It’s just along the road.”

“Um, OK . . . What size?”

“30C,” Autumn said curtly.

“If I say that to someone that works there, are they going to be able to sort it out?” he asked nervously.

“Yes!” they said together, with growing exasperation.

“Will they think I’m weird?”

“Probably!” Emma said. “Go on, go!”

“Any particular colour?”

Autumn sighed irritably. “Marley, go and get me a fucking bra.”

* * *

He bore the brunt of her anger throughout that evening. She screamed, scratched and bit her way through the first hour of pushing as though she were possessed. She dug hernails into his hand as he held hers and told him, irrationally but in no uncertain terms, to leave her alone whenever she caught him looking at her. Eventually, he moved away from her vicious despair to stand by the window, calling out supportive comments to her as and when he judged them welcome. This had been a happy compromise for both of them, until the midwife gave her a status update she hadn’t been expecting.

“I can see the crown of your baby’s head now, Autumn,” she said encouragingly. Autumn had stopped pushing, her face furious.

“Only its fucking head? I can’t do this.” She collapsed back onto the pile of pillows.

“You can do it,” Marley said. Autumn grabbed his sleeve and dragged him closer to the bed.

“Almost there now, darling girl,” Emma said. “Just a few more big pushes.”

“I’ve changed my mind.” Autumn whimpered, looking desperately at Emma in reply. “I don’t want it anymore.”

“Come on, Autumn.” Marley stroked her hair back from her face lovingly. “You can do this. I know you can. You’re the strongest woman I’ve ever known.”

She braced herself and bore down, feeling more movement now. The midwife, presumably of the belief that Marley was her baby’s father, motioned for him to stand beside her, but he pretended not to notice.

“You can watch — if you want to.” Autumn gasped in a breath.

“Are you sure?” he asked. She nodded and he moved to stand at the bottom of the bed. Autumn was pushing again.

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