Page 57 of Before You Say Goodbye

“Don’t apologise,” he said. “It isn’t your fault. It’s mine. This is all my fault.”

“I’ve never had a panic attack before,” she said.

“Well, you looked like a pro,” he said jokingly.

She laughed and he winked at her, nudging her affectionately with his elbow.

“I have them all the time,” he said. “Eventually you learn to see them coming.”

“How?” she asked. She didn’t really care — she never planned on having one again — but his voice was a distraction from the humiliation she knew she’d soon come to feel. Had she put her hands on his neck? She cringed.

“I turn into a complete bitch.” He sighed. “Ring any bells?”

“I’m so sorry,” she said again. She’d been truly terrible to him these past few days. She was lucky he was still speaking to her at all.

“It’s OK,” he said. “When it happens to me, I take all my frustration out on Bowie. How bad is that? As if he doesn’t have enough to deal with.”

Autumn winced, feeling guilty.

“Youhave enough to deal with, too,” she said. “Without your brother’s girlfriend treating you like crap.”

“My brother’s girlfriend?” He feigned indignation. “We’ve spent a beautiful summer together and that’s all you think you are to me now.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Is that all I am to you?” he asked. “Your boyfriend’s brother?”

“No.” She shook her head. “You’re my friend, too.”

“Good,” he said. “Case closed, then.”

She supposed he was right. Friends forgave one another.

“Be honest—” he interrupted what she thought might be a moment of comfortable silence — “do you think it’s because of the tribute?”

She nodded. It was definitely that.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to put pressure on you like that.”

Autumn shrugged. He hadn’t meant to do her any harm, she knew that. She wished she had the energy to tell him properly that it was all right, but she felt battered. She watched the raindrops fall, instead. Rain had always been her favourite weather. There was something incredibly magical about it. A wall of raindrops could make you feel as though you were all that existed in the entire world. She had always been able to see why rainstorms were the backdrop to so many kisses in books and movies. There was something inexplicably lovely about the idea of two people caught out in the rain.

All of a sudden, things felt inappropriate. She wasn’t sure what had changed, but something had. Being close to Marley had never made her feel this way before. She was disappointed, but the feeling was undeniable, so she pulled her coat tighter around herself and shuffled a little way away from him. He watched her.

“There are cigarettes in my coat pocket,” he said. Grateful for the distraction, she took out the packet and a lighter, passing them to him. He lit them a cigarette each, inhaling sharply from his own. The silence between them had become uncomfortable. She willed him to speak.

“You know, for someone with so much confidence, you don’t actually have much at all,” he said eventually.

“What does that mean?” she asked.

“Nothing bad, Autumn, I promise. Just, back when Bowie first met you, he told me you were the most confident woman he’d ever met, but I don’t see that in you. You’re happy doing things you know you’re good at, you know, like writing brilliant stuff, but if you have to do anything you’re not used to excelling in, you’re terrible at hiding how much you hate it.”

He stopped to tap his cigarette. Autumn did the same, holding her breath.

“Like with Bowie,” he continued. “You love him so much that it makes you feel uncomfortable.”

Autumn didn’t respond. He was right thus far. Shedidfind being in love with Bowie difficult at times. She found the monotony of their lives challenging to cope with and some days she was driven half mad with boredom. She missed her freedom and longed for the simplicity of not caring, that synonymous ease that came with her capacity to shut her heart down and shunt her attention onto something else — or someone else — when anything caused her pain. Her silence was tacit confirmation of Marley’s words, she knew.

“I know how much you love him,” he told her again. “But you’ve found each other at such a bizarre time. If I’m honest, I think it’s only working because you know it isn’t going to be for ever.”

---