Page 50 of Before You Say Goodbye

“It’ll be OK,” she said.

“Everywhere hurts, Mum,” he whispered.

“It’ll get better,” she said.

“You don’t know that.” He started sobbing, wincing through the pain his own anguish exacerbated.

“I do.” She wiped away his tears with her sleeve.

Bowie cried and cried. He was full of rage and wouldn’t talk to anybody. Autumn knew he wasn’t angry with her. She’d had no idea what his full wishes had been. That felt wrong to hernow, but this was not the time to ask why nobody, not even Bowie, had bothered to tell her what he wanted.

Autumn didn’t want to talk to his family either, not now Maddie had told her the whole story. Bowie had made it clear six months before — after he’d been warned by his oncologist that anthracycline-based chemotherapy treatment could have damaged his heart and that could be why he was experiencing chest pains — that he did not want to be resuscitated should he collapse. He didn’t think he’d have the physical strength he’d need to recover. Overwhelmed and petrified by the enormity of the thought that he might be debilitated until the end of his days, Bowie had told them, expressly, that if this happened they were to allow him to die, trusting them not to ignore his wishes. Autumn couldn’t begin to imagine why he hadn’t told her. Perhaps he hadn’t wanted to upset her, or maybe he had really believed his family would honour his request the way they should have, so there would be no need for her to know. He certainly hadn’t expected something like this to happen so soon, she knew that, so it was entirely possible he’d been building up to telling her.

Autumn did have some sympathy with his family’s decision. She knew why they couldn’t let him go. They loved him. Still, she wanted to believe she’d have had the courage to stand in the way of Ben and Marley and stop them from trying to save Bowie if she’d known what he wanted. Letting him die would have been the hardest thing she’d ever had to do, but she would have done it if he’d told her to.

Autumn had growing admiration for Maddie, the only one who’d even tried to uphold his request. That must have been an incredibly difficult thing to do, especially when everyone you loved was against it.

Autumn would never say it, but she was beyond relieved Bowie had survived. She hadn’t yet had the six months withhim she’d been promised and she wasn’t ready to lose him. She needed more time and was glad to have it.

She’d never dare tell him that, though.

* * *

“Rule Number Four.”

The first time they were left alone, Bowie spoke. Autumn smiled, leaning into him and running her fingers through his hair.

“If that happens again, make sure that they let me die.”

Autumn had been holding it together pretty well, but she let herself break down now. Bowie had barely said a word in the four days since he’d regained consciousness. It was good to hear his voice again.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“Why are you saying sorry?” He wiped her tears away with his fingers. “You didn’t know. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

She shook her head sadly. “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. And that they didn’t listen. I’m sorry I didn’t hear you get out of bed and that you were all alone in that bathroom. I’m just so sorry for all of it.”

He hushed her gently, stroking her hair this time. She leaned her cheek against the palm of his hand.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said.

“Thanks.” She sniffed uncouthly to make him laugh. It worked. “Maddie tried to stop them,” she added.

“I knew she would,” he said. “What about the others?”

“Bluebell didn’t really do anything wrong. She called the ambulance, but only because I told her she should. I think she thought you were already dead. Pip just screamed at everyone.”

“And Marley?”

Autumn didn’t want to cause trouble between the twins. As far as she was concerned, Marley could be excused. Nobody could ever expect him to let Bowie die. The very concept of losing his brother was enough for him to threaten suicide. How could he be expected to control himself? Autumn shuddered at the memory of Marley pounding on Bowie’s chest. She wasn’t sure that she would ever forget it.

Bowie shook his head in response to her silence. She felt defensiveness rise up inside her. He hadn’t witnessed the extent of Marley’s distress that night.

“Go easy on him, Bowie,” she said.

“No! He promised to let me go when the time came. Iknewhe’d back out.”

“He loves you,” Autumn said.

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