Page 47 of Before You Say Goodbye

Autumn squeezed his arm. He offered her another cigarette. Autumn knew by now that this probably meant that he had moreto say. She took one and lit it, leaning back against the cold brick wall.

“Larry’s hosting his annual summer ball in a few weeks’ time. He’s trying to get us to sing a tribute to Bowie at it,” he said.

“‘Us’ as in ‘the family’?” Autumn asked.

“No, ‘us’ as in me . . . and you,” he said nonchalantly.

To say she was surprised was an understatement. She didn’t sing, not really. Larry had no idea if she could sing. True, she’d been cast in a couple of musical productions at school when she was younger, but she’d never done anything like it since. Nor did she plan to. She liked music, but it wasn’t in her to perform the way she’d seen the cast perform today.

“I was listening to your voice when we all sang the finale together. You can hold a tune. You can handle what I’m planning.”

“I-I’m not sure . . .” Autumn stammered.

“There’ll only be a couple of hundred people there. It’s a medley of the songs Bowie’s written for the stage. It would mean so much to him if we did it together and he definitely wouldn’t be expecting you to be a part of it, so it would make it a massive surprise for him. I don’t think you’d need more than three or four rehearsals and . . .”

“Acouple of hundredpeople?”

She felt sick at the very thought of so many people looking at her. Marley put one hand on each of her shoulders, smiling down at her with affection.

“I’m not going to force you, but, please, think about it, Autumn. He would fucking love to see us up there together — I know he would.”

Autumn couldn’t argue with that. Bowie loved that Autumn and Marley got on so well. He was often pointing out their similarities and the qualities they shared, despite the fact itwas already obvious to everybody. They were both largely unashamed of anything they said or did, unquenchably curious, stubbornly impatient and frustratingly provocative. Bowie was grateful they were able to find so much common ground. He was the first to say how important it was to him that his two best friends liked each other so much.

“I’ll think about it,” she said.

There was one last drunken rendition of the finale in the green room before Autumn, Bowie and Marley jumped into a taxi together with Hannah, who had barely left Marley’s side all afternoon. She wasn’t the first woman Marley had taken home with him this week, but that wasn’t unusual. Autumn and Bowie would often hear him throw Pip out of the bedroom they shared to sleep on the sofa, and then they’d try valiantly to ignore everything they could hear through the ceiling. Sometimes, if it went on for hours, they’d laugh together, making jokes about his stamina and how shameless Marley was when it came to sex. The women had usually left by the time she and Bowie got up in the morning. If anyone else heard it, and Autumn suspected that they did, nobody seemed to confront Marley about it.

Still, Autumn knew Bowie suspected there was a more disturbing aspect to Marley’s sexual libertinism. His brother had always enjoyed the company of women, but his seemingly obsessive need for sex had increased as Bowie’s cancer had progressed.

“He’s a man, he likes sex, of course he does. It’s just that he’s never chased it in the way he seems to now. I think it’s a way of trying to forget how he feels about losing me. It all seems a bit empty to me. Like, he’s not actually enjoying what he’s doing, beyond the obvious need for physical release. It’s as though he’s just trying to find some way to escape the mess we’re all in for a while.”

Autumn was not concerned about sleeping through Marley and Hannah’s lovemaking tonight. Bowie slept all the way home in the car — despite an animated debate between Autumn, Marley, Hannah and their taxi driver about whether or not the Beatles were overrated — and nobody slept like Autumn slept when she’d had a few too many. It had been a long and busy day, and she couldn’t wait to crawl into bed beside the man who’d told her he loved her.

Bowie was so exhausted he was barely able to walk unaided, so she and Marley drunkenly helped him into the house and undressed him. Once he was nestled comfortably beneath the duvet, she shooed Marley out of their bedroom into the arms of Hannah, who was waiting for him in the hallway. Autumn climbed into bed and kissed Bowie on the cheek. He groaned in his sleep, clasping her hand.

“I love you,” she whispered drunkenly into the dark.

* * *

Autumn woke up with a start. She never woke in the night, especially not when she’d been drinking. Something felt wrong.

Bowie was gone.

She sat up, her eyes searching the darkness, but she could tell the room was empty. The door to the hallway was ajar. Autumn panicked. Bowie never left the room during the night without rousing her to tell her where he was going. He didn’t want her to worry. She leaped out of bed and raced into the living room, hoping she might find him dozing on the sofa, but there was no one there. Autumn’s heart fluttered with panic.

She ran to the nearest bathroom, the one next to the kitchen. They’d had a lot of gin so perhaps he’d had a sudden urge to be sick and not had time to tell her. Even as she was thinking it, she knew she was wrong. Bowie always shook her awake. Always. She grabbed the doorknob and tried to twist it, but it was locked.The knot in her stomach dissolved into panic and she heard herself make a noise, something between a scream and a shout. She banged her fist on the door, yelling Bowie’s name as loud as she could, knowing it would wake the others.

“Bowie!”

There was no answer. She rattled the handle as hard as she could, hitting the door again and again when it didn’t budge.

Marley reached her first. He launched himself at the door with a power that would have impressed her if she hadn’t been so terrified. The wooden door cracked a little, but didn’t break open. He threw himself at it again. Ben was suddenly behind him, pulling Marley away.

“Move!”

He rammed a knife he was holding into the lock.

“What’s happening?” Emma’s hands were in her hair. Bluebell, Maddie and Pip were close behind her, the two girls clinging to each other desperately. They stood watching Ben struggle with the handle. Autumn was hoping against hope she’d made a stupid mistake. That her lover might appear, drowsy and confused, from somewhere.

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