Page 100 of Before You Say Goodbye

“Oh my . . .” Ben cleared his throat. “Well . . . Oh my goodness.”

“I think it’s a great idea.” Maddie nodded. “A really beautiful sentiment.”

“Me too,” said Pip. “Bowie would love it.”

“He does look like a Ben.” Emma kissed her teary husband on the cheek.

“I still think he looks like an Astro.” Bluebell smiled playfully. “But Ben? OK. I think I’ll allow it.”

Chapter 18

“Please, Autumn, let’s wait a bit longer?” Marley clamped his mouth shut stubbornly. Ben was six months old and adored by absolutely everyone, including Katherine and Lilly, who had visited Autumn and Ben at the Whittle’s home several times. Lilly adored her nephew. His existence had brought her and Autumn closer together. Katherine and Autumn were still not close, but were both eager to set aside their differences so Ben could know his northern grandmother. Katherine spoiled him rotten with her time. When she wasn’t at the house spending precious hours with him she was researching the best educational toys, the best schools in the area and ‘how to be the favourite grandparent’. Autumn — who cared only about giving her little boy as much love as she possibly could — had not been expecting such enthusiasm from her side of the family and was thrilled. Her son was the centre of everyone’s universe. Everything they did they did with him in mind, especially Marley, who had become her coparent before she’d known what was happening and had time to stop it.

Now, six months to the day since Benjamin had been born, Autumn was chasing the two of them around Bowie’s old bedroom. They’d eventually mustered up the courage to sleep there again because it gave the three of them the space they needed and shielded Benjamin’s midnight meltdowns from the rest of the house. Autumn was trying, albeit without much success, to get Marley to let her swab inside his cheek with a tool she’d received in the post from a DNA-testing company. Marley was not happy. “Please, Autumn, don’t make me do this yet.”

“I have to,” she said determinedly. “I need to know, Marley. For my son.”

It was also for Marley’s own good. He was completely besotted with Ben. She was concerned that he had already begunto raise her baby as if he were his own. She didn’t feel it was right to let that continue if he weren’t. She cornered him, but he folded his lips in on themselves and shook his head, not giving in. She poked playfully at his face with the swab. Reluctantly, he opened his mouth, eyeballing her resentfully as she scraped it around his mouth.

She faltered as she bagged up the equipment to send off, giving her head a little shake. She’d put this off far longer than she’d intended to by allowing Marley to successfully convince her she needed time to settle into motherhood. She’d given herself long enough. She needed to know. Marley needed to know. And, one day, Benjamin would need to know. That was the most important part of all of this.

Benjamin had become her everything. Just looking at him made her emotional. She couldn’t stand to be separated from him, missing him terribly, even when he was only sleeping. She’d loved Bowie, loved his family now too, but could never have imagined that she would love anyone as much as she loved this baby. She could stare at him for hours. His cries were enough to send her into a frenzy. It was as if he consumed her whole heart. She felt she might never need anyone else again as long as she had him. He was a generally calm, patient and good-natured baby. Emma insisted that his temperament was exactly how baby Bowie’s had been.

Autumn tried not to think about Bowie too much because it made her feel so incredibly sad. He couldn’t have had any idea of the adventure they would embark on in his absence. Emma had convinced herself that he’d have changed his mind if he’d known about the baby coming, that he’d have worked harder to somehow keep going. That was an incredibly painful potential truth for Autumn to come to terms with. His mother was particularly fond of telling Autumn how Bowie would have loved Benjamin with all his heart. Autumn couldn’t bear to let herselfdwell on how terribly tragic it all was, not with a newborn to look after. Her therapist advised her not to, at least for now, and Autumn reminded Emma of that whenever she tried to strike up a conversation with her about the son she missed so horribly.

* * *

By the time the test results arrived, Autumn had begun to wonder if it might be better for everyone if Marley was his father. He had kept his promise to her. They slept together in their separate beds and when the baby cried in the night, Marley walked him up and down without a word of complaint. He changed his nappies, mopped up his sick and cooed him into fits of giggles constantly. Benjamin was as easily soothed by the touch and smell of Marley’s skin as he was her own. His eyes lit up at the sight of the man they all called ‘Uncle Marley’ and Autumn was quite sure Marley loved her son with the same intensity as she did. It scared her. If Ben wasn’t his, he’d be devastated.

Emma tossed the results envelope absent-mindedly at Autumn one morning at the breakfast table, turning immediately away to fuss over her grandson. Marley’s eyes searched for Autumn’s over his cereal bowl. She gave him the slightest nod and swept the envelope off the table with as much subtlety as she could. Despite Marley’s protests in private throughout the day, she insisted they wait until everyone else had gone to bed before reading its contents. The consequences of these flimsy sheets of paper were potentially calamitous and she didn’t want to risk anyone witnessing the aftermath by accident.

At midnight, she picked up her sleeping son from Marley’s chest and put him in his crib. Then, together, they sat side by side, on the end of Marley’s bed. He had once told her that baby Benjamin got to win, whatever happened, but that didn’t feeltrue to her anymore. The results would either break her dear friend’s heart, or they would open the most immense can of worms. They allowed themselves a few more moments of blissful ignorance and then Marley ripped open the envelope.

He stared at the results in shocked silence for a moment and Autumn concluded Benjamin was Bowie’s. She knew that hadn’t been what he was expecting, that it wasn’t what he wanted, but she was relieved.

“Marley—” She reached to touch him.

“He’s mine,” Marley whispered. “Shit. Autumn. He’s mine.”

Autumn shook her head. No. It couldn’t be. She’d had sex with Bowie twice and Marley only once around the time Benjamin was conceived, she’d been reminding herself of that the whole time. Autumn’s eyes darted to her sleeping baby. Marley’s did the same.

“He’s my son,” he gasped out. “I have a son.”

Autumn took the papers from him. He was telling the truth. He’d read it right. He was Benjamin’s father. They sat, motionless and emotionally charged, watching their baby in his crib. Neither said anything for the longest time.

“I feel like we’ve lost him again,” Marley said eventually. Autumn knew what he meant. Benjamin had been their last hope at keeping a little bit of Bowie. Now, that was gone. There was nothing left of the man she had loved, not even a little bit of him. She realised she was crying. Marley was, too.

“He’d be devastated.” Autumn spoke her mind.

“He’s not here,” Marley said. “He’s gone, Autumn.”

Autumn nodded, swallowing her sobs. Marley put his arm around her, pulling her into his chest. She held him. Marley. The father of her child. She was sure she’d never get used to that.

“I thought I’d be happy, but I’m not,” he said.

“Me either,” Autumn whispered.

“It’s better for Benjamin.”

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