Page 48 of Forever Mr Black

“I’m not the same guy who went to the club or who went to therapy. Back then, I was cold and detached. It was how I coped with everything that was going on at the time. I hated the way I was. That’s why I’ve held back. I don’t want you seeing that side of me. When I said what I did at the club is so far from what we have, I meant it. When we’re together … when we make love and we’re one …”

I look at him, willing him to continue.

He smiles and links his fingers through mine. “I feel complete. I’ve never felt that before.”

My heart turns over. I curl my hand around the back of his neck and kiss him. “I know. I know you’re not the person you were back then, but I hate the thought that she’s seen a part of you that I haven’t,” I admit, resting my forehead against his.

“You know me. Better than anyone else.”

“I want to know all of you. The darkness and the light.”

He frowns in confusion. “What are you saying?

There are things we still need to talk about, like the wedding-venue thing, but right now, I need to do this. I need him to do this—with me.

“I want you to show me … I want you to show me what it’s like to be with the Art that went to the club. I want you to control me in the way he would. No holding back. No going easy.”

The crease in his brow deepens. He pulls away, out of my grasp. His face twists with concern, and he drags his gaze to the window. “We should go inside. You’re freezing. And you need to understand why that’s a terrible fucking idea.”

The door to the apartment slams closed. Art heads for the living room. He hasn’t spoken since we left the car, and I’m still waiting for an explanation.

“So?” I demand.

He stops in his tracks.

“Are you going to tell me why it’s 'a terrible fucking idea'?”

He turns to face me. “You don’t understand what you’re asking.”

“Of course I do. I want you to show me your past. I want to step into that world for a night.”

“You don’t. You haven’t seen that side of me before. I was a total bastard.”

The look of concern in his eyes is almost enough to put me off. Almost.

“You know everything about me, the good and the bad. You know what my favourite memories are and my most painful. And you’re there to kiss away the nightmares and make it all better. Let me do that for you. Show me all of you because I want to love every part.”

“Sophie.” His voice falters.

“And if I do think you’re a bastard, we can stop, can’t we?”

My attempt to lighten the mood falls flat.

He walks up to me. “Of course. If we were going to do this, but we’re not.”

His jaw works as he stares deep into my eyes. And then I see it. The real reason why he’s holding back.

“What are you afraid of?

“The same thing I’ll always be afraid of … losing you.”

“You won’t lose me.” I lift my finger and waggle my engagement ring. “I’m here for the long haul. That’s why I want to know every part of you. The good and the bad. Let me in. Let me in completely.”

He shakes his head and fixes me with a firm look. “When you go to a club like Savage, there are contracts you sign. You have to be clear what your own limits are and the limits of the person you’re with, so you don’t overstep the mark. There’s no softness and warmth about any of it. I’m not sure whether I can be like that with you.”

He’s not scaring me off that easily.

“I have a safe word. I know what I’m asking. We can stop at any time. I want to experience this with you. I trust you. I’m asking you to show me.”

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