Page 79 of Dangerous Play

And worst of all, I had to look for alternative running trails to make sure I didn’t run into him or his team during my runs. But it gave me time and focus to train for a full marathon that I impulsively signed up for in the summer and incorporate longer runs into my daily life to keep my schedule packed. Running for two hours a day really limited the free time I had.

Plus, I excelled in my classes, which wasn’t a bad thing.

There were a whole bunch of positives to my new life, but I couldn’t help but focus on those little negative things.

Like missing Maximilian Aarons.

Wrapped up in a black sweater under my wind jacket, I warmed my hands on a takeaway cup I picked up from a coffee truck on my walk back from my long run. The warmth of the drink felt good on both my insides and on my freezing hands as I took a deep breath of the chilly December weather.

“You’re impossible to find!” Someone grabbed my shoulder and I turned, plucking my earbuds out.

“Came to deliver your threat?” I asked Nova, the familiarity of her face making me ache for those days when we watched the game together and I thought we might become friends.

“No.” Nova grimaced and shook her long dark hair. “I came to check in on a friend.”

The way she said friend made my eyes tear up.

“I guessed you could use one,” she offered a soft smile. “Now, I know I’m not choice number one, which deeply wounds me, but Rosie is on Derek duty, which she’s been enjoying quite a lot. If you buy me a coffee, I can catch you up on all the gossip.”

I almost cracked a smile hearing her upbeat, melodic voice and I turned toward the coffee truck. “What’s your drink? All black like your soul?”

“I don’t actually drink coffee. I’ll take a hot chocolate with lots of cream on top.”

“How are you so hyper without coffee?”

“Can you imagine if I drank it?” she asked, her smile contagious. “Everyone always gets surprised, but I don’t like anything that gets me addicted. Other than sex. Sex is healthy.”

“Really?” I arched a brow. “How so?”

“Did you know that it eases cramps when you’re on your period? Regulates your mood. Helps you fall asleep,” she listed the reasons until it was our turn. Then she flashed her beautiful smile at the guy and ordered her hot chocolate with extra cream. The way she said extra cream got the poor teenager blushing and he even gave her the drink for free. “I just saved you money,” she informed me as she bounced away from the coffee truck and I couldn’t help but laugh.

I wanted to be Nova just for a day. Her brain was full of rainbows and butterflies.

“So, how are you doing?” she asked, sipping on her drink. “For real, not the bullshit excuse.”

She was the first person who asked me that, other than my father who gave me a quick call after Thanksgiving when potentially Daisy broke the news that Max and I were never really an item.

I shrugged. “Heartbroken, which is ridiculous.”

“Your feelings are valid,” Nova encouraged me to keep going. “You’ve been through a lot as well.”

“I feel guilty and sad,” I continued, staring at the close by park. The one Max and I spent countless afternoons at, kissing, discussing school and life. It felt like a lifetime ago. Yet, the memories didn’t fade.

Instead, the places that used to remind me of Ander, the thing that would trigger me into relieving some bad memories, they turned positive. It felt like all the thorns that I gained from my previous relationship helped bloom the roses I saw now. All I saw was happiness and love.

And it hurt more than remembering all the bad things.

“I feel hurt. I confessed it to him. And he just... let me go.” Tears choked me and my words came out quieter than anticipated. “I’m fucking hurt and broken, Nova. I have no one in my life I can turn to. I don’t blame him. Fuck, I understand him. I ruined his career. I ruined Derek’s chance of winning the final with his team. All I brought was pain in his life. I really am Poison Ivy. I feel so guilty and lost and angry and sad. But above all... I’m just heartbroken for how it all ended. I thought I knew what heartbreak was when Ander cheated on me with Daisy, but this feels hundred times worst. This pain feels like someone reached out into my chest and carved my heart out. Like they ripped it out from me, but I didn’t die. I’m just slowly bleeding out one day at a time, waiting for the end that never seems to arrive. It’s just constant agony and pain. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, I see him, feel him. There is no getting away from him. I see him in the flowers that grow despite thecold weather. I see him every time I catch a glance of the ocean. I see him when I walk past the park and when I drink my coffee. There is not a single thing in my life that doesn’t remind me of him. I gave him my all heart and soul during these short months. And now I’m left here all empty.”

It was word vomit that ended with me bawling my eyes out and sniffing. I just broke down from the honesty that rippled through me. From all the emotions I didn’t address. From everything I tried to hold in as I focused on moving on.

But I couldn’t move on. Not without stopping and acknowledging everything that happened.

She wrapped her arm around me and asked, “Do you need a tissue?”

I snorted. “Yeah.”

I blew my nose and dried my eyes, taking deep breaths.

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