Page 49 of The Sky Between Us

“I knew,” he whispered into my palm, before lifting his gaze to meet mine. “I mean… I didn’t know, know. But I suspected, still hearing it out loud is…”

“Different,” I offered a word and he shrugged.

“I don’t know what to say, Hazel,” he continued, his eyes leaving me and moving around the room. “There is so much I don’t understand about it all, but I want to know. If you will tell me.”

A loud exhale left me and all the air released from my lungs. This was progress, he wanted to know, but it wasn’t a guarantee. Telling someone the whole truth from beginning to end had its risk. There was a possibility he would walk away and share my story with everyone. Knowing a fact and understanding the story behind it were two different things. If I tell him the story, he will have the full timeline and the whole, naked truth.

But I was ready to risk this for him. Because the fact that he might walk away, taking my secret scared me, but I realized that he would be taking my heart with him too. And I couldn’t let that happen, because it didn’t belong solely to him. There was someone else who had a part of my heart forever.

My little boy.

Sky.

“It’s a long story,” I warned him. “It’s not a pretty one but it will answer all your questions about me.”

Aiden slid closer, crumpling the comforter, and wrapping his arms around me. Sinking into his embrace, I pushed him to the bed and snuggled to his side. For several seconds, we remained there, entangled just enjoying each other’s company.

Sky giggled from the room next door, bringing a piece of reality into our stillness, asking for another bedtime story, which my dad obeyed happily. He might seem tough on the field, but Sky melted his heart like no one else. Guess it’s true what they say about grandchildren.

Aiden’s fingers played with my hair and the heavy movement of his chest indicated he was just as anxious as I was. “Whenever you are ready, baby.”

I took a deep breath through my nose, shutting out the voices coming in and looked at the soccer player laying with me before I launched into my story.

“I was fourteen when I met Jake in high school. He was this cute guy with dimples who had a mean kick on the field. My dad loved him from the first practice and saw a bright future ahead of him. We were both part of the popular crowd and used to hang out all the time. Jake liked to joke around the fact that I was the coach’s daughter as all the players got told to stay away from me, and I liked to play with fire.” I chuckled at the memory of how naïve and stupid I was, but my ego needed all the stroking back then. Aiden continued to play with my hair in a calming motion. “I was horrible back then, too entitled, snobby and egoistic. I thought I was the best. So, when Jake was made soccer captain Sophomore year and invited me to Homecoming, of course I said yes. We started dating right after that. Sneaking out at nights to meet him, kissing in empty classrooms and showing off became a norm. I loved his attention, and everyone’s attention as I was the first one to have a boyfriend from our group of friends. The girls envied me and all the guys wanted to be with me. I thought I was on top of the world. Jake was nice and sweet and I liked kissing him. Around Valentine’s Day, he started bringing up having sex. I had just recently gotten my period then, all those hormones and things were new to me, and I had no clue if I even wanted to have sex with him yet, so I kept asking him to wait. He was patient, but at the same time, started making small jokes over the upcoming few months. Nothing harmful, just little comments that went unnoticed for others, but were burning deep in the back of my mind. I was making him wait too long.”

Pausing for a second, I tried to catch my breath. I’ve never shared this story with anyone out loud, only internalized every second of our relationship looking only to find red flag after red flag. They were all staring me in the face.

“It’s okay,” Aiden muttered, his attentive gaze sliding across his face as his arms tightened their hold on me. “I’m here, it’s fine.”

Emotions clogged my throat making it hard to speak. “There was a party for one of our friend’s sixteenth birthdays. The parents were gone and some of the boys thought it was an excellent idea to start drinking. Jake convinced me to take a few shots as I hated the smell of beer. We took it with orange and cinnamon, the golden tequila and it tasted fine. After a few, I got very hot and dizzy so naturally, I looked for Jake to take me home.”

Aiden’s hand froze on my back and the muscle in his arm pumped from sudden anger. Looking up at him, his jaw tightened, but his eyes remained kind. He didn’t say a word and I appreciated it.

I’ve spent years rewinding that night in my mind to figure out what has happened, but it still remained blank.

“I woke up in his car, with a huge hangover and throbbing pain between my legs. We were cuddled up on the back seat and once he woke up, he told me we had sex.” A small, pathetic laughter left me. “I convinced myself it was perfect, despite me not remembering it and our relationship was thriving. He became even nicer, if that was even possible.”

Another pause was needed for me to gather my thoughts together and not go into a full-on monologue about how I was a dancer, I should have known my body better.

“Time passed and my life really did seem perfect until I started getting sick. Walking into the cafeteria and all the smells made me vomit, I couldn’t keep my food down and there were days I couldn’t even drink water. Rumors started that I was bulimic as I was getting ready for the Dance Awards.” I rolled my eyes. “I kept telling everyone I was fine. I really thought it was the new vitamin my mom made me take. Eventually as it happens in schools, my dad caught wind of this gossip and he forced me to go to a doctor who asked me basic things like when was your last period. I remember my mind going blank and saying ‘I don’t remember’. The doctor said it could be because of my diet or that I was growing and I was stupid enough to agree. I assumed I was somehow undereating which was strange because my parents were very strict with food. After the appointment, they were even worse as they thought I lied to them and was secretly doing something to lose weight. The irony of it… no one even questioned me if I was being intimate with a boy or anything else. They assumed, as I had a bad relationship with food, it had to be an eating disorder.”

A sad smile spread on my face and I flipped onto my back to stare at the ceiling.

“Last day of sophomore year I passed out during History and they took me to the hospital. The nurse took some blood, they ran some tests and within an hour they told me I was pregnant.” An unhappy chuckle left me and I glanced at Aiden. “I was in such denial that all I said was: just take it out then.”

Aiden chewed on his lower lip and studied me tentatively. He already knew the end of the story, but getting there was a completely different one.

“Obviously it was too late, and the doctor explained to me how I was already three months pregnant, just not showing. What I assumed was me being fat, wasn’t actually fat… anyway, my teenage brain was still not processing information too clearly at this point because I told my parents I wanted to talk to Jake.” I scoffed and picked up the pillow from behind me, I buried my face in it. Embarrassment burnt on my cheeks for my stupid little teenage self. “I called him and told him what happened and he asked me what I was thinking of doing. I explained to him how it’s too late to deal with it and we should consider alternative options and I asked what he wanted. His request was simple: for me to leave him alone and never bring this up again. He said his soccer career was on the line, he was committed to his current university since Sophomore year. He had his future lined up. It was my mistake, and I had to carry the consequences. Alone.”

Aiden waited until I finished talking, before gently wrapping his fingers around mine and removing the pillow from my face. “Baby…”

“It’s fine, he did turn out to have an amazing career and I would never want to take that away from him. I just thought… I don’t know that he loved me and we could be together and have this family together. I was so stupid. I cried for him for months. How can one person be that naïve?” Tears burned my eyes and I let them fall. Talking about this brought back all those emotions. All this mess was still hanging over me, as I’ve never dealt with it. Maybe I should have seen a therapist when my parents offered.

“Eventually I began showing and we went for a vacation to my mom’s hometown in New Jersey. The plan was to give him up for adoption and start school a bit later. But… things got complicated. My body wasn’t too developed, my hips weren’t wide enough and after many painful hours when the birth started, they realized the baby somehow turned around and the cord wrapped around his neck. When the doctor said this, it all clicked. For the first time, I thought of him as a human being and I cared if he was going to be okay. They did an emergency C-section and saved him.” I laced my fingers with Aiden’s and pulled them to the lower end of my stomach. “The reason why I could never get fully naked in front of you.”

“You have a scar.”

I nodded with a sad smile. “It’s not that visible, but it does spark a conversation and kind of ruins the mood.”

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