Page 154 of Let's Pretend I'm Okay

She runs in front of me and blocks me. “You can’t leave—”

“Everyone leaves!” My voice cracks, and my hands shake at my sides. Tears roll down my face again. “Get used to it now, Olive. Everyone leaves.”

She grimaces. “No. That’s not true.” She puts her hands on me. “You don’t have to leave.”

She doesn’t understand. I shake my head and push heraway. I march down the sidewalk and just keep walking. I don’t know where I’m going, but I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere.

Everything reminds me of Margo, and I need the pain to stop. I can’t handle it anymore. I want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright, but there’s no one around.

I walk for miles. I walk until I find myself at her grave. It’s too early for a headstone yet, but they’ve placed a temporary marker with her picture on it. I bend down to touch her cheek, and my shoulders shake.

“I’m all alone, Margo,” I say. My tears drench my face. I can taste the salt from them on my lips. I know she wanted me to find where I belong, but I didn’t. I’m more lost than ever. I thought I could handle loving Margo, but it’s more painful than I expected it to be. How could someone I knew for such a short period of time leave me feeling raw and torn apart?

“I miss you,” I sob. My lip quivers, and anger builds in my chest. “Why did you have to love me?” If she had left me alone, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have someone care about me. I wouldn’t know what I was missing. It would be easier.

“You weren’t supposed to die!” She was perfect. She wanted to travel the world, and she deserved to. We should be running through the mountains in Europe or swimming in the ocean together. We should be planning our futures. She shouldn’t be gone. She was too young to die.

My arms should be wrapped around her. She was my missing puzzle piece. Now there’s a gash where she used to fit, and I won’t ever heal. I can’t be happy without her.

Drops of rain hit my head, but I don’t care. I lie down byher grave marker because it’s the closest to her I can be. I close my eyes and picture her smile. I want to drown in her memory. I replay the first moment I saw her, the way she ran behind me in bright orange overalls. The first time I saw her beautiful brown eyes. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t waste time running from her. I’d surrender to her right away. If I could go back in time, I’d kiss her sooner, I’d hug her tighter, I’d love her longer.

Despite the rain I drift to sleep, and I imagine Margo standing in our field of flowers. She wears her denim overalls and watermelon earrings. She waves at me, and I rush toward her. I take her in my arms, trying to hold on to her tight enough that I can take her with me when I wake up.

“Don’t leave me,” I whisper into her hair.

She pats my back. “You’re going to be okay.”

I shake my head. “No. I won’t be. I need you.”

Margo pulls back, and I reach for her, heart speeding up.

“The world is beautiful,” she says. “You’ll see.”

In a blink of an eye, we’re standing in front of the school at the bus stop. She bends down next to the weed we argued over months ago, but it’s different now. At the top of the plant is a small blue flower.

“It’s not a weed,” Margo says. “It’s a flower. It just took time to bloom. It’s growing somewhere it shouldn’t.” She stands up and puts her hand on my cheek. “Despite the odds it managed to find a crack in the concrete and bloom. That’s pretty cool if you ask me.”

I cover her hand. There are warm tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. “I’m not a flower.”

She smiles softly, looking into my eyes. “Maybe not, but I know you’re going to do great things.”

“I won’t,” I cry.

She presses her forehead against mine. “You will. I promise.” Then she starts to fade.

“Don’t go.” I reach for her, but it doesn’t do any good.

“Daniel, wake up,” she says.

“No.” I’d rather stay in my dreams with her.

“Wake up,” she says so clearly I almost think it’s real.

My eyes open, and Laura is kneeling next to me in the graveyard. She’s wearing a raincoat, and her hair is tucked into her hood. She touches my cheek. “You’re so cold.”

I jerk away. “What are you doing here?”

“You’re going to make yourself sick out here.” Laura unzips her coat and starts to take it off.

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