Page 97 of Let's Pretend I'm Okay

“I did think about it, and I think I’d rather be at home,” she says.

“Come on, Mama. Your face lit up when you were back there. Nursing makes you happy.”

Mama’s smile disappears. “I don’t think I can go back.”

“Why not?”

She grips the steering wheel tighter. “Because I can’t welcome new babies into this world when my own baby isn’t around. It makes me angry just thinking about how unfair it is. And then I get upset with myself for being angry. It’s better if I stay away.”

“But you used to love it so much,” I say.

“That doesn’t mean I love it now.”

My stomach turns. Maybe I’ve been going about this the wrong way. Maybe Annie was right when she said that I always push people to do things because I think I know what’s best when I don’t. I thought Mama was so focused on me that she forgot about how much she used to enjoy her old job, but that isn’t the case. She’s avoiding it because she’s scared of facing that environment when I’m gone. I thought if I pushed her hard enough to go back, she’d automatically remember the joy it brought her, and things would magically go back to the way they used to be.

Now, I’m starting to realize maybe I can’t fix her problems, because I can’t control leaving. I can’t make it easier for her togo back to the hospital. I thought if she went back to work, she’d have something else to focus on besides grief later, but maybe it’ll only make it worse.

For someone who prides themselves on fixing the world around them, I’ve been striking out a lot. It’s like no matter how hard I want to make everyone’s lives better, I make them worse.

I almost want to give up on my list.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

DANIEL

The morning sun seeps into my room. I shut off my alarm and stagger out of bed. Margo is still ignoring me, and I need to figure out how to get her to talk to me. If I’m stubborn enough, maybe I’ll win this time. After throwing my clothes on and brushing my teeth, I grab my things, ready to run out the door.

“Daniel?” Laura says.

I crane my neck to follow the direction of her voice. She’s sitting at the table with Rob and Olive. There’s a stack of waffles on the table next to syrup, strawberries, and whipped cream. This is odd. In all my time here, we’ve never sat down for breakfast at the table. Laura usually makes a simple breakfast to hand off to everyone as they run out the door.

My skin crawls because this is definitely not normal.

“Could you come sit down for a minute? We have something we need to discuss with the two of you.”

I inch closer, looking to Olive for answers.

She shrugs, as clueless as me.

“Do you want a waffle?” Laura asks, tilting the platetoward me.

“I’m good,” I say, eager to leave.

Laura takes Rob’s hand and looks at him with a smile. “We have some important news to share.”

Olive groans. “Please tell me you aren’t getting a divorce.”

“Olive!” Laura and Rob say at once.

“Okay...” She raises her eyebrows. “Then what is it?”

Laura takes a deep breath. “We’re having a baby.”

Olive gasps. “How?” She shakes her head and waves her hands in front of her. “No, don’t tell me that. But aren’t you a little too...” She doesn’t finish.

“Too what? Too old?”

Olive’s eyes dart away. “You said it. Not me.”

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