Page 25 of Let's Pretend I'm Okay

I scoff as I walk down the porch. The bus stop isn’t far, but it’s strange. I’ve never taken the city bus to school before living here. I always rode one of the ugly yellow ones, so I’m still getting used to using the city bus instead.

The bus comes barreling down the road and stops next to me. The doors open, but my attention is elsewhere. Olive is still a good thirty feet away.

“Getting on?” the bus driver asks.

I turn back toward the bus and climb in, and a part of me doesn’t want to say anything. But as I scan the back of my card, I say, “My cousin is still coming. She’ll be here in just a second.”

The bus driver looks in their mirror and nods.

I walk toward the back of the bus and sit down on one of the hard blue seats. Olive comes in and immediately the bus begins to roll again. I watch as she passes all the front seats even though it’s hard to stay balanced walking to the back.

She sits next to me, and I shift closer to the wall.

“You know,” she says, pausing, “if I wanted to take the bus, I’d leave on time.”

“What?”

“Don’t tell the driver to wait for me. I’d rather miss it and have Mom drive me.”

She can’t be serious.

“I’d way rather have heated seats and music.” She sighs.Then, I follow her gaze to my bagel. She grabs it, taking a big bite out of the side even though we’re not supposed to eat on the bus.

I stare at her, wordless.

“Sorry,” she mumbles through the mouthful. “Do you want the rest?”

Is she really asking me if I want my half-eaten bagel back?

I shake my head. “No. I’m good.”

“Your loss,” she says.

“Does Josh bother you a lot?” I ask, remembering how Josh put his arms around her. I wanted to ask her sooner, but hadn’t had the chance to yet.

“I can handle Josh. He’s not that bad.”

“What does that mean?”

“Forget it. I’m pretty sure you scared him off anyway.”

I don’t know whether or not to believe her, but I’m too tired to keep asking questions. I stare out the window to clear my head.

My first period class is physics, and it’s my least favorite. I can’t help but drift off to sleep every time the teacher starts talking. When am I ever going to get a job where I need to know how light waves bend around objects? I’m not one of those people with a long list of ambitions. I don’t even plan on going to college. Just give me my diploma, and I’ll work at a gas station in the middle of nowhere for all I care.

Today is no different. There’s a high probability I’m wrong, but Ithinkwe’re talking about something to do with kinetic energy. Again, I’m probably wrong considering I haven’t paid attention since the moment I first walked in.

My head is buried in my arms as I lean on the desk. My eyes are heavy, and I lose myself in my dreams, or nightmares... if I’m being honest.

It’s always the same day, the day Grandma wandered off. There had been other times when she couldn’t remember where she was going or went looking for Mom even though Mom was dead, but this was the first time I couldn’t fix it. She left while I was at school, and I came home to an empty home. At first I thought she had gone out to buy groceries even though I had begged her not to leave the house without me, but her wallet and phone were on the counter.

I went out searching for her, calling her name at the top of my lungs, but I couldn’t find her. After two hours of looking for her, I came home and saw a cop car parked in front of our house. Grandma was getting out of the back.

“Grandma!” I called, wiping any trace of tears away from my face. I collapsed into her, squeezing her tight. “Where were you?”

“I went on a walk. Everyone is overreacting,” she said.

The police officer’s gaze drifted to our house. “Ma’am, is there anyone else I can talk to at home?”

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