Page 170 of If Ever

Tom's left for work. He only has two performances remaining and then he'll be off for a few weeks. I can't imagine anyone playing the lead in Crossing Lines other than him. His news of the movie and new musical are great, but it has me on edge. I seem to struggle with change whether it's good or bad. I just can't seem to go with the flow.

Then he texts that the movie is indeed in Vancouver and will shoot for two months unless filming goes over. The new Broadway show is about the same amount of time and he's excited because there's a chance he might be able to do both. This means that he'll be gone twice as long. We'll be apart for months at a time. He'll be surrounded by new people, and I might not seem that interesting any more.

I'm starting to panic, so I call Anna.

"But Chelsea, that's all great news."

"If it's so great, why do I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe? It's good for Tom, but it isn't good for me. He's going to leave me again."

"Calm down Drama Queen. He isn't breaking up with you, he's taking a job. And it sounds like some really good ones."

I pace the apartment going out of my mind. She's right. Theoretically, I know that, but that doesn't alleviate the taste of panic. The idea of him packing his suitcase and walking out that front door time and time again, well, it rings too much like the story of my life.

"Here's the thing. I know I should be strong and grown up and deal with all this. But you know what it makes me think of? My Mom going to the hospital to die, Gramps going to hospice to die, my dad abandoning me."

"This is nothing like that."

"Isn't it? Everyone I know leaves. Everyone." The last person to leave was my college boyfriend. It's been nearly a year, so I guess I'm due again. It's a pattern that continues to repeat itself, and I realize that sometimes I bring this on myself."

"I'm still here," she says, which is true and I love her for it, but this is different.

"I had shitty role models. I don't have the skills to be in a relationship long term."

"Don't say that."

"And Tom is starting this whole new chapter of his life. A movie! Can you imagine? He's the second lead. That's big time. He'll be too busy for me. He'll outgrow me."

"Chelsea, stop! You're acting totally irrational."

"Am I? I'm not so sure." I shouldn't have fallen for an actor. He's charming and handsome. Who wouldn't love him? And he's British. Every woman he meets falls under his spell.

"Let him know you're nervous about this. Give him a chance."

"He'll just say what he already has, that we'll work it out."

"And you will," Anna insists.

"Until we don't." I imagine us struggling to make things work, the tears, me trying, but my inability to cope and ruining everything.

"And if it doesn't work, then he was never the right guy to begin with."

I stare out the window at the street below. A woman hops into a cab and races away. "Or maybe put myself out of my misery now. Why go through all this, just to end up alone in the end?"

"Seriously, Chelsea. You need to get a grip. I wish I could keep talking this through, but I've got a work dinner I have to get to."

I force myself away from the window. "I'm sorry. I've taken up too much of your time."

"You know I don't mind. But promise me you won't freak out and run off on him. He deserves better."

And why am I tempted to do just that? What's wrong with me? I never used to act like this. I think it's because I haven't loved someone as fiercely as I love Tom in very long time. He's become everything to me, and the reality that we're moving into a new part of our relationship, and he'll be living on the other side of the continent with new people, terrifies me.

"I won't," I finally say, partly because I promised Tom that I'd never bolt again. I'd talk to him first.

I spend the evening thinking through every scenario of how things could go down for Tom and I. What if his movie is a hit and he gets more movies and has to be gone all the time? How many more Broadway shows will be out of town for months at a time? Even if we get through this time, can we make it through the next? And how am I supposed to hold myself together each time that door closes behind him? A hurricane of emotion battles my heart. I can't figure out how to do this without becoming a psychotic mess.

When he arrives home, I'm in bed because I'm afraid to face him in the light. "How was the show?" I ask as though it's any other night.

"Good. You know, now that I'm down to the last couple, I savor each one. I can't believe I'm actually leaving. This one is gonna hurt."

"I know." I answer, cupping his sweet face. I want him to know how bad I feel, but I don't know how to put it into words.

We make love, gently at first. I watch how his body moves with each breath he takes. Our eyes meet. His lids are heavy and his pupils dark with desire. He presses his hips to mine in a circular motion that nearly ruins me. And then our lovemaking turns urgent and desperate. I cling to him, my fingers digging into his back. Our passion is both heaven and hell as my mind wreaks havoc on our future.

I can't be the girl he deserves. I'm broken and damaged and unable to hang on to love. After we cry out our release, I roll away to hide my tears.

Tom is right there caressing my hair. "What's wrong?"

"I guess I'm really emotional today. Lots of changes. I'll be fine." I try to keep the pain out of my voice. Our time together has gone so fast, and like a dream, it could never last.

"I love you." He kisses my temple. "There's a lot going on right now, but it's all good." He settles his arms around me and falls asleep as tears silently dampen my pillow.

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