Page 128 of If Ever

28

Iowa City

I’m drinking hot chocolate from my UI Hawkeyes mug thinking about Tom. I touch the beautiful necklace he gave me and smile as I look at a stuffed unicorn on my shelf that I’ve kept since childhood. He is incredibly thoughtful, but being apart for the past two days has been torture and reignited all my self-doubt about he and I. Now that he’s literally across the world, it would be so easy for him to move on. That whole out-of-sight, out-of-mind saying seems particularly meaningful right now, and after a week apart will he even want me to come back to New York?

My phone pings a message. I check the screen.

Are you there?

It’s Tom and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I text back. Yes!

I turn down The Santa Clause movie, my all time favorite, and stare at my phone waiting for it to ring. A few seconds later I jump when it does.

“Happy Christmas,” Tom says.

I grin. “Happy Christmas. How was the party at your grandmother’s?”

“Absolutely brilliant. So many cousins and family I haven’t seen in a long time.” He slurs his words.

“Are you drunk?”

“Little bit. Okay, I’m totally pissed. You can blame my brother for that too. I’m such a lightweight these days. I can’t begin to keep up with those sots.”

I laugh. His English accent is much stronger. I suppose it’s due to the alcohol and being surrounded by his family. He tells me about his relatives, and the challenges of being a stage actor in shows that most of them will never see.

“I’m an oddity to the rest of them with their desk jobs and Monday through Friday schedule,” he says. I could be one of those people soon too. In fact, now that I’m back at my apartment, I’m forced to think more about my own job future and the need to get back in the game.

“Did you get out with your friends today?” he asks.

I’m glad he can’t see me because I hate to lie, but I also don’t want him to feel bad that I’m on my own this Christmas. It’s happened before, and while it’s a drag, I’ll get through it.

“Yeah.” And then I change the subject. “You wouldn’t believe how weird it is coming home after nearly four months away. I’m going through drawers and my closet. I don’t know why I even have half the stuff I’ve accumulated.”

We talk for another ten minutes about the craziness of watching his niece and nephew and how much it means to him to see his grandmother again.

“It’s great to be home, but I miss you,” he says in a drowsy, inebriated slur.

My lonely heart aches. “I miss you too.”

“I better hang up before I fall asleep. We’ll Skype at 10 a.m. your time tomorrow?”

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I love you,” he says softly.

“I love you too.”

Christmas morning I wake to a quiet apartment and light snow. I stretch out and smile. Every kid in the city will be thrilled. At the allotted time, my computer screen flashes and suddenly Tom appears from thousands of miles away. He’s holding the most adorable baby. She has giant blue eyes that dominate her sweet face and spiky dark hair that sticks up. I giggle. “Oh my God! She’s adorable!”

“I know, right? Bella here is in a constant state of surprise.” He runs his hand over the top of her hair. It moves like feathers and bounces back.

“She is seriously the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”

Tom kisses her cheek. “Hear that, Hannah,” he yells to someone off screen. “Chelsea says Bella’s ugly!”

“Don’t say that.” But I hear laughter in the background, so I guess it’s all right.

Bella reaches for his mouth, but he evades her. “This kid’s got an iron grip. Last night she had my ear in a death hold. I couldn’t get her off until Hannah bribed her with a biscuit.” He looks at the little cutie with such love, and then sniffs. He wrinkles his nose in disgust. “Hannah, Bella filled her nappy again.”

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