Page 171 of If Ever

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We're picking up a few groceries at the market. Tom holds up a package of sushi. I wrinkle my nose and go back to pretending to read the back of a paperback. No reason to buy the large package for only one person to eat. This is turning out to be the longest day of my life.

Tom takes the basket to check out. He's been so stressed trying to figure out his job offers that he hasn't noticed my turmoil, which is a relief. The checker scans the items while I wait quietly.

"Is everything okay?" He asks.

I try to smile, but it comes off as pained.

His brow furrows. "What is it?"

"Not here," I say as the clerk finishes.

He frowns and collects one bag by the cloth handle and I take the other. We step outside into the brisk air and leaden sky. He watches me closely, wondering what I'm thinking. I'm going to have to tell him sooner than planned. As we walk back to his place, I try to find the right words, but can't, so I remain silent.

"Please, Chelsea. You've got to talk to me."

I nod.

We reach a stoplight and pause for the walk sign. He holds my gaze, worried and waiting for an answer.

"I don't want to upset you before your show." I stare at the pavement.

He goes still. "Are you leaving me?"

I blink. The light changes and the people around us walk, but Tom is anchored in place.

I sigh with guilty resignation.

His expression is disbelief and then anger. "You were going to evaporate into thin air again?" He storms across the street.

I rush to catch up. "I was going to tell you first!"

"Well, that's just smashing!" He continues down the block than turns abruptly and stops. "Why?" He implores. "I thought we were good. No, I thought we were great."

I swallow, my mouth gone dry. He searches my tortured face for answers I don't want to give. Finally I breathe the words in a whisper, "You'll be leaving. You'll always be leaving."

He takes my arm. "I'm not leaving you. I'm leaving for work, and I will always come back."

"But we don't know that for certain. Things could change and you’ll move on.”

He shakes his head, as if he doesn’t understand.

“Don’t you see? I'm a train wreck. I'm scarred. It's better if I end it now because you deserve so much better," I say.

"I deserve you."

I disagree, but it makes no difference. He'd be better off without me. We walk again. And my heart is breaking even though I know this is for the best.

“There's got to be more going on here. Do you want me to quit acting? Is that it?"

I'm horrified. "God, no! I would never forgive myself if you quit."

He seems relieved to hear that. "But you can't be with me if I don't?"

"I, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. These past months have been the best of my life, but I don't know how to cope in a relationship where the person I love is constantly leaving me. It's like living a nightmare on repeat. And I've always been bad at relationships. This is nothing new."

"That's total bullshit and you know it."

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