Page 43 of Healing Bonds

The day went by smoothly. The people inside were all from work, and Ryan introduced me to those I didn’t know. We ate burgers and then sang for the most precious girl who was always smiling. Her eyes twinkled with innocence, and I fell in love with the beautiful child, the hole in my heart closing slightly.

Celine was cleaning up the kitchen as the angel pulled herself up to stand on one of her toys, attempting to take a step withoutholding onto anything. I watched as her chubby legs wobbled, and just as she started fall, I reached for her and pulled my niece up into my arms.

I cradled her in my arms. Her head fit perfectly in the crook of my elbow, and the world stilled around me as I looked into her eyes. She was sleepy, her eyelids heavy as she blinked slowly, and then, she shoved her thumb into her mouth.

Ryan was at my back, his hand there, and he was whispering something to me, but I couldn’t hear him. I couldn’t hear anything over the blood rushing through my ears. My heart beat loudly like a constant, throbbing pulse.

Why was my baby taken from me?

“I can take her.” Celine was right next to me, worry in her tone.

“I’m okay,” I whispered, eyes transfixed on the little girl cradled in my arms. “I’m okay, I promise,” I repeated when she continued to stand there, ready to take Summer from me. Celine moved away and continued to clean, but Ryan stayed, hands on my waist as he looked over my shoulder.

“We’ll be parents one day, baby. I promise you,” he whispered, kissing the shell of my ear.

“And if we aren’t, I’ll be okay.” It hurt to say it, to even think it, but I knew I would be. I watched as Summer fell asleep, tired from the long day. “Can I take her up to bed?” I asked Celine, who was watching me from the kitchen counter.

“Let’s go together,” she said, setting her dish towel down before showing me the way to Summer’s room. She let me put Summer in the crib, and we snuck out like two girls trying to escape their parents. I fought laughter at the rush of excitement.

“Thank you. I really needed that.” We paused outside the room, and she nodded, then wrapped her arms around me. I closed my eyes and hugged her back, relishing in her warmth.

“I’ve been so worried about you,” she confessed. I swallowed thickly. “Ryan told me not to come and visit, that you weren’t ready to see me or Summer. I can’t understand what you went through because I didn’t have to hold my dead babies, but I do know what it feels like to miscarry. Please don’t feel like you can’t talk to me. I’m here for you.” I held her a little tighter at the confession.

“I know,” I croaked, my throat tight, “and I couldn’t see past my own grief to understand that. I’m sorry.”

“Miracles can happen,” she softly reminded me. “Summer was a miracle. Never forget that.”

We were among the last to leave, sitting in the lounge with Celine, Ace, and Ryan’s parents, sipping on coffee as we reflected on the day.

“Ace and I want to make a small announcement.” Celine had been sipping on an herbal tea, which she put down to hold Ace’s hand. “It’s early to be telling you this. I’ve gone to the doctor, and I was advised to keep this to myself for a few weeks with my track record. But I just can’t.” She beamed up at her husband for a moment. “We’re pregnant.” Her gaze turned to me, and I fought hard to keep the bitterness out of my expression.

I couldn’t handle this.

Ryan shifted uncomfortably, his hand on my knee. I couldn’t breathe. Why did she have to do this today? It was hard enough to deal with seeing Summer. I’d done so good. Couldn’t she have just fucking waited?

“Congratulations!” her mother erupted into cheers and hugged her daughter, but I couldn’t move.

“Ames, I’m sorry. I know it’s hard, but I wanted to tell everyone while we were all together, and I didn’t know when it would happen again,” Celine apologized. I shook my head, trying to think of the right words to say, but I couldn’t find them.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

“Congratulations, guys,” Ryan filled in for me, his arm wrapping around my shocked body and pulling me into him.

“Oh, God! Her face is turning purple! She’s not breathing, Ryan!” Celine exclaimed, her blue eyes widening.

Ryan turned my body to his, those blue eyes almost identical to his sister’s scanning my face. His lips were moving, but I didn’t know what he was saying.

He moved his mouth slower, and I saw the wordbreathe, and so, I sucked in a large breath of air, then spluttered as the world crashed into me.

“Fuck, Amber, don’t stress me out like that.” Celine held a hand over her heart, and anger flooded my veins.

“Don’t stress you out?” I whispered angrily, fucking seething, every bit of my hurt and pain gathering into a ball of rage. “How could you do this to me?!” I screamed, feeling that lump grow in my throat. “You just told me you understood upstairs, but youdon’t. If you did, you would have waited to tell me!”

“Waited for what, Ames? Waited for my best friend to get her shit together so that I can tell her I’m fucking pregnant? I did wait… I miscarried more than once! Stop being so selfish!”

“Watch your fucking mouth,” Ryan snapped at her as he pulled me up with him. He palmed my lower back, gently pushing me toward the door. “We’re going to go. But she’s right, Celine. You knew today was hard, and while I know you’re excited, you know what it’s like to lose a baby and see everyone else so excited about being pregnant. Your announcement was a bit selfish.”

Ryan urged me out the door before I could say anything to Celine to make this day worse. I heard Ace speaking softly to her, then he followed us, talking quietly to Ryan. But I couldn’t hear what was being said.

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